so i guess sometimes i feel like just settling. sure i have offers for random hookup sex from guys but i do not want to take it. or i could date someone that may be nice but i am not into. i just think doing that is mean for the other person if i am not into them. but i am really lonely and just thinking about settling. sometimes i think well maybe i am not good enough for the guys that i like or that if i looked better or was younger (i am attracted to masculine guys 30+), maybe they would like me or if i had a better body. i am usually ok with rejection but i get shot down by guys i am attracted too but BEAUTIFUL women can't get enough of me. i work out and although in my late 30 people usually think i am 10 years younger. i am not dating women. it's hard. because sometimes i think, "if these girls that look like models want me, why am i so repulsive to guys that i like or why dont any of them seem to care that i am around?" sometimes i just feel like i'm not good enough for these guys but i know i am a great catch and i am constantly asked why i am alone. i am not picky. i have been attracted to all types but when i see a really great looking guy that i think is great and nice, i think to myself, "oh wow, that's the kinda guy i would like to date" and then i find that whenver i get really excited about someone, it doesn't work out. however, when i could care less, the person wont leave me alone. i am not doing anything wrong, it just doesnt seem to be a connection. effeminate men also seem to like me a lot and i'm just not into it. lately i have just been thinking, maybe i should just give up hope. it gets really discouraging and my self esteem is really in the toilet. i can pull attention from attractive guys but the ones that are into me just want me for sex. i do not want that. sometimes i wonder if i made the right decision to explore being gay because i do not think its wrong to want someone you're excited about but for me it seems like i am always rejected by the guys i really am excited about. its just so hard because i just feel like sometimes its off-limits to me to be able to find someone i really like and that i am really attracted to. im not all about the looks and people that i think are attractive others may not but i guess since i'm getting older, i just feel like now just take whatever i can get and just forget the dream and hope of the feeling that you get when you can't believe this persons likes you as much as you like them. i want to be in a relationship and date but i dont want to lead people on as well. i have tried going out with guys that are not my type, or fem guys, or guys that i know aren't in the same age range but it just never works out and i'm just never really interested. i'm started to worry that i will be alone forever since my straight friends are married now and have kids and i'm not anywhere near dating someone special. i think maybe i should just settle and then i will see that guy or the kinda guy i like and i know that settling would be stupid. to come all this way from being straight to bi or gay and to end up with someone i dont even want to be with, well that would be stupid. but i'm very lonely and not sure what to do anymore.
Whatever you do, don't settle! I did that when I thought I was straight with my ex-husband, and even if I had been straight and into men, it still would not have been good. The only thing we have in common is we both are attracted to women. If you settle, you'll notice more and more that it was probably not a good idea, but then you'll be stuck with this person, still be lonely and miserable, and in a worse position than you are now (at least you are free). Not only with my ex-husband, but I have always settled with someone who was close enough to what I wanted or many times not close at all just so I wouldn't be alone. Even if I'd realized then I was a lesbian, I would have done the same with women. I learned my lesson. After the experience of settling, I have realized I would rather be alone for the rest of my life with friends and living the way I want than to ever do that again. You will lose yourself, and be in a different sort of closet. I don't know if that makes sense. I never had difficulty attracting men, but I know what they like, I know how to act. It's different with women, and for you, I'm sure it's different for men than it is for women. It's a learning process that we are going through, and a lot of trial and error. Have you become friends with any of these people you are not attracted to, they may have friends that would be perfect for you and provide opportunities for their friends to get to know you to see how great you are. I am determined not to settle this time. I have used online dating sites, and through that I made one very good friend, and tried to connect with others who seemed to be what I was looking for, but not successful. I have met this one person who has completely taken me by surprise, so far she has every quality I have wanted in one person, and she's beautiful to top it off. Haven't actually met in person, and I don't know if I want to and ruin my illusion But the more I talk to her, the more I learn about her and the more I see that she's the type of person I want, and would not be settling if she is the same in person. You need to find people who are willing to get to know you rather than making an instant judgement the first time they see you. For me, if we don't have chemistry in person, well, I learned that there are people out there who do have qualities I am looking for and I will wait until I find them. Make new friends, and get involved in the community. Settling does not do you justice, it means you are cheating yourself, so be good to yourself and hold off until you find someone who is right for you. It's lonely, I completely agree, but it's even more lonely with someone you don't connect with.
Hey I'm in the same position. I seem to only attract dudes but I can't seem to stop wanting to date women. I'm sure the problem isn't you. The dating pool is small for gay men, even smaller over the age of 30. Have you tried looking for guys farther away on dating sites? Who live the next city, or even the next state, over? Also maybe join some LGBT groups that relate to your interests; if you're doing something you love maybe you'll loosen up a bit around the other guys and at the very least expand your network and spend time having fun. You dont need to read every interaction as a dating opportunity. You're right, settling is dumb after you've come all this way.
wow, thanks so much from my lesbian sisters in the community. i am male but your advice is great. you're right. settling is stupid and to have come all this way and have all this pain just to run back in the closet with a girlfriend or to settle for some guy that honestly i know i am not into, just makes no sense. can i be honest here? i feel like a total wuss for saying this but here it goes. sometimes i feel like i do not deserve to have someone that i think is awesome. sometimes i feel like the reason i keep getting the same types of guys interested in me is some type of sign or punishment from God or "the universe" telling me that "see, you should not be into guys in the first place and the reason it never works out with the guys you are attracted to is because not only do you not deserve them, you're not supposed to be with them." i know that sounds silly but i wonder about it alot. i wonder why am i passing up on all these great women just to have guys treat me like i'm crap or the dirt on their shoe. then i start to think....maybe i should just be with women. maybe this was a mistake. then i'll be at the mall or gym or anywhere and i'll see a guy and think "gee if only that kinda guy were into me, gosh, i'd be so excited inside". and then when i get up enough gumption to approach a guy or make a friend it just seems as though it never works out or i always seem to pick the "straight" guy. i realize that most of these things have absolutely nothign to do with you or what you're doing wrong...the person could be in a relationship, the person could be battling with their own sexuality, the person may not find you attractive and may be attracted to a totally different type.... you just never know. but can i be honest...? after ever rejection, i cry a little bit inside. not on the outside, but on the inside i feel a little less confident about myself and feel like i'm not good enough to deserve the guy that i think is amazing and maybe guys like that are reserved for guys that look better than me or have better bodies etc etc. i work out a lot to try and stay in shape and i like the progress i have made and people comment on my body and they seem to like it. but it's like the guys i like just dont seem to like me. it kinda hurts a lot. sometimes i feel like the "hot guy" to the less attractive guys and the "dog" to the guys that are attractive. trust me, i'm not all about looks but we're humans and we should be attracted to who we are with, right? what's the point of having gone through all of this just to be with a guy im not really into. i have tried to be friends with the guys that i am not attracted to but instead of just being ok with being friends, unfortunately a lot of them feel angry toward me because they feel they were rejected. so they lash out at me sometimes and say mean things. i know they are just hurting in a similar way i am too. but i dont try and lash out at people that dont want me. i went to a party with a guy that we were just going to be friends. he said it would be a good way for me to meet other gay guys. i was excited but when i went, it felt really weird. the guys were really gay. i mean, everything they talked about had to do with something gay and that's fine. i guess it would just be nice to be a guy and meet another guy that just so happens to like guys. i always feel alone and isolated when i am around gays because being gay is just a part of me. i just happen to like guys and find them cute, but i do not want to buy into all the gay culture stuff. nothing wrong with it. just not me. just seems so hard to find a matching pair for myself with someone who is also the same way. i know they say there are so many guys that want something real and want to meet a good guy and that are shy and wish someone would approach them but whenever i do, it just seems like i'm either meeting all the stragiht guys in the world or not good enough for the gay ones. i am not going to settle guys. but i know i'm hurting inside. i feel like there's just no place for someone like me. also the stuff like meet up groups and other gay masculine social sports stuff (im not inot sports) well online, it seems like at the events there's always someone taking pictures of everyone and posting them on their website galleries. i just am not comfortable with that yet. i just want to go to some events but not have to worry that i am not the posterboy for gay events online. since i'm not in that level of outness its scary for me.
I originally thought of rejection as the whole 'sign from the universe' as well, but then I realized, that's crazy. You may be on to something,though. There could be a way you act or approach men or something that attracts one kind and not the other. It doesn't mean this is a bad thing, but it's something you might want to pay attention to. It's a whole new world, and it'll take time to find how you fit into it. That's what I'm discovering. I know you're not big into the gay scene, but it is a good place to meet people. There are many who are not big into it as well, but will sometimes participate. You probably won't run into straight men there. And, it may make you more comfortable with who you are, and may help you with coming out more if that's what you are aiming towards. Chances are you will have more luck finding what you are looking for if you go where the men are. I don't recommend bars, especially if you don't like the gay scene. Have you looked at lgbt organizations, or community centers? They may know of groups you can join that don't focus on advertisement. Generally, it seems the lgbt community is quite respectful of the need to be discreet. What are your interests, you said you're not into sports. Pick something that interests you or something new that you've wanted to try and see if you can find a gay group that does it. Meetups, I've been to a few, and yes there are pictures of the meetups, but I'm sure if you make it clear that you do not want your picture taken or if it is taken that you do not want it posted, they will probably respect that. They are meant to be welcoming environments. The one I went to, the people who had their pictures taken were regulars, and didn't mind having their pictures taken. Don't think of the rejections as something personal, it's not. I'm sure you are a wonderful and attractive man and you will find the man you are looking for. I know you say being gay is just a part of you, and you're right, we have many different identities that make us who we are, but this part of you is new I assume and it's going to take time to get used to it. I'm slowly discovering that even though it's a part of who I am and does not define me, it's different from everything I've ever known in my former heterosexual world. I learn something new almost daily. Right now, I am completely embracing this aspect of me not because I will change my whole life to revolve around it, but it needs to catch up with the rest of me that's been established for quite some time. When I've accomplished that, and I am as comfortable with my sexual identity as I am with the rest of me, then it will truly become something that is just a part of me. We're all different and deal in different ways, but I wanted to explain how I see it, and so far it has worked for me. I'm completely ready for a relationship and know I will soon be ready to merge both my homosexual and heterosexual worlds so that my sexual identity is one of my many identities. (did that make sense?) One more thing, do they have a place where there are any drag shows in your area? I know it seems like an unlikely place to go, but it has been my favorite as I try to be comfortable in this culture. What I like about it, and I guess it really depends on the place, is that it's not overly gay. Ok, the drag queens are, but also highly entertaining. And a lot of straight people go to the one I like and usuallly they are there for wedding shower, or some kind of party (once it was a baby shower). I only went to one other gay bar, and it was very gay compared to the drag show. Another thing, don't be too quick to dismiss anything. You never know what you may find
Offmychest, Have you ever looked into the bear community? They have websites just for bears- with activities, personals, etc. Good luck!
are bears hairy guys that dress in leather and have pot bellies? if so, that's not my kinda thing. just looking for regular guys that people woudl suspect are married or have girlriends.
I think you definitely shouldn't settle--hold out for what you really want. I think I may know part of the problem and it's not anything that you are doing or wanting just that I think you have set yourself a more difficult task than perhaps you realize. It seems to me from reading your posts that you are looking for a "straight acting" guy. That's fine, there are a fair number of them out there. You are also looking for a relationship guy. That's fine too, there are a lot of them out there--and you probably tire of people telling you that because then why can't you find one, right? Well, I don't know exactly why this is the case--I think it probably has something to do with comfort levels with being gay but it doesn't really matter why--while there are many "straight acting" guys and a ton of relationship guys, in my experience they aren't the same guys. In my experience, and I've been out and about in the big bad gay world for quite a while, the intersection of those two groups is very small. Doesn't mean you can't find one, it may mean you have to look harder and longer. The fact of the matter is that it takes time. I've been with my partner for 16 years but I dated pretty heavily for 4 or 5 years first--now I enjoyed dating but still I had to put in the time. You definitely shouldn't settle but you also should know if you really are looking for the perfect guy to spend your life with it's the project of a lifetime--it's gonna take some time.
Hey man I am also looking for the same exact thing- the straight-acting relationship guy. Ha! It hasn't been easy for me to find either but I'm only now just starting to come out so I am hoping that I can find him by (1) meeting as many guys as I can (not that easy right now) and (2) being more visible. I don't know. It is a major source of stress for me recently. All the trouble of coming out doesn't feel worth it if I can't find a partner to make me happy.
i can really relate to this sentence. seems like you go through all of this drama to "come out" and then you have to come out alone in terms of not finding anyone. but also as many have said as you get more comfortabel with yourself, others will be more comfortable with you. i do want sex some times, and i do meet beautiful guys that i think "ok, maybe i should stop being a prude and just go with it becuase this is what everyone else is doing..." but i do not feel right about that. and i do not like how i would feel afterwards and knowing there's a great chance that i would be dumped after that for the next conquest. jsut gonna stick to my guns i guess. i guess since i'm older and almost 40 i feel the crunch since i know in time, it will be very hard for me to meet someone. but i also know that if i exist then someone else like me does as well. keeping hope alive by a thin thread.
Let me play the devil's advocate for a minute :icon_wink Going out or hooking up doesn't make you a slut, sometimes this can lead to guys who become close friends (not just sex). Are you worried about turning 40... like somehow you'll be too old to have other guys be interested in you. I've learned a long time ago how unrealistic "gay years" are. If I followed that I should be in a cave right now lol. I'm not judging you at all, rather suggesting a different perspective. Yes dating sucks but you might as well have some fun along your journey to find the one guy who will steal your heart. (*hug*) You may just kiss a frog and get a prince.
Yes i am a lil wrried about turning 40. Sounds old. Peolel think i am late 20s or early 30s still sometimes. I don t lie. I tell them my age. I thik 40sou d old and my straight life was supposed to be much more settled than i am living now. Wondering if i made mistake.
You didn't make a mistake. If you continue to deny and repress, it will probably surface again and you will be older. I'll be 38 in a couple months and I feel like I'm starting from the very beginning....again. I feel like I missed out on so much in the past, but can't change that. We're young still and have many years left, and the right person is out there waiting. Even if we never find that person, we have been true to ourselves, and that's makes it worth it, to know who we are.
If you're sitting there worried about how old you'll feel at 40, then all you're doing is already feeling older than you are. Sounds like a waste to me.
Hi offmychest, I think you are a bit obsessed with this age thing. You even said you look young for your age; so what is the problem with being 40? You make it sound as though turning 40 means one is over the hill, and may as well start choosing a good retirement village and shopping around for dentures. Seriously, being 40, especially if as you say you appear youthful and are in good shape, you still have so many good years ahead of you. Don't be so obsessed with youth and the notion of being young, yes it's a wonderful time in life but like all things it passes, and we need to be able to let it go, and enjoy what we do have, right now. And from what you say, you have quite a lot in terms of personal attractiveness. Turning 40 isn't a death sentence for your love life. I am a youthful-looking (so I'm told) 45 years, have just discovered this year that I like guys - possibly even more than I like girls - but I am choosing not to mope in despair at all the 'lost years'. All we have is today, and believe me no matter how hard you try, you will never be able to bring 'yesterday', or the days of youth, back again. It is much better just to live in today, to flow with life, and enjoy what you do have - which is quite a lot. About not being able to be with the guys you really feel attracted to, well maybe you need to see beyond the physical a bit more, and be able to feel attracted not just to someone's physical features primarily, but also their charm, humour, kindness, and other personal qualities. If you look a little deeper into someone's eyes, you can begin to see that everyone has a certain attractiveness about them; I'm not saying everyone is a dating prospect, nor that you should 'settle' for being with someone you are not even attracted to, no; just that it's a good idea not to be judging too much based on physical features alone, when to be honest, it's not someone's physical features that you will call upon if you are sick and need caring for, or are down and need comforting. There is more to people, and to potential lovers, than just looks. Sorry if I sound a bit blunt but I do mean well Damien
