How Coming Out Once Meant "Coming In"

Great article. I appreciate that he covers the fact that the journey to understanding one's sexuality is not always clearcut. Pop culture comings-out often gloss over the whole journey to get to where the character is able to understand their experience and put it into words.

Also yep! the social aspect of it can be incredibly stressful. Sexuality is often depicted in movies/shows as a solitary pursuit of personal truth, often without the need to connect to homosocial circles. This has been at least as stressful for me as coming out to family and friends. Glad I'm not the only one who thinks the solitary experience is inaccurate.

Thanks for sharing.

 

The article was great and really thought provoking. LGBT history is so fascinating; one of the unique things about us is that we are not a people formed by lineal descent. Instead we remake ourselves all the time, not necessarily with the help of elders. We all usually have straight parents, after all. It means our communal folk understanding of history is more fragmented than, say, that of an ethnic group. It's always nice therefore to remedy that deficit.

I love the metaphor of the debutante, too...

 

Well, in that case, I'm more closeted than I thought. The gay community hates people like me.

 

Same here. (&&&)

 

Care to elaborate on that BelleFromHell?

 

Completely agree with you . Once I told immediate family and friends, and especially my ex-husband, I felt like i could begin to explore this new culture. The way I see it, it's the same as trying to put the pieces together after a death; everyone has been supportive and given words of encouragement and then they go home and you're left trying to figure out what to do next. This is how I feel now, and I have begun to penetrate the homosexual world, and it's very different. One of my friends will sometimes comment that something I say or do is so 'straight', and I tell her I was socialized for 37 years to be heterosexual, now I'm trying to shed it and find the real me, and I also don't like stereotyping regardless of which end it's coming from I have, however, begun to really notice how hetero-normative our society is and maybe this is why I receive the 'straight' comments sometimes. The transition stage, not sure if there really is a transition stage but this is how it feels, is stressful, and not a solitary experience. We need to be re-socialized and educated.

 

Where do I start? I don't wear plaid. I don't have a pixie, mohawk, or Justin Bieber haircut. I'm not fat. I don't have a truck. I don't smell like a dead animal. I don't think of feminine women as airheaded, sexual objects to be possesed. I'm not comfortable sleeping with every woman on the planet. I find alcohol, cigarettes and drugs to be repulsive.

Therefore, I am dead to the "lesbian community."

 

Aw hey, we aren't all like that. I don't fit any of what you described lol

 

This was definitely how it was for me. I was actually immensely fortunate in that regard. The first time I ever went to a gay bar was after the Pride Parade--I remember I ordered Sprite because I didn't really know what to do. I remember they were doing showtune clips on huge screens and everyone sang along and there were joke lyrics and gestures and it was like everyone knew what to do but me. I distinctly remember feeling like I had landed in Oz--everything was suddenly in Technicolor but I didn't understand any of it. So when I worked up the nerve to talk to some people I told them that it was all new to me, that it was my first parade and even my first time in a gay bar. And it was like I became this project--people thought it was awesome that I was there and thought it was adorable that I had no idea what was going on. People started to introduce me around and then those people would introduce me around. I think I probably "met" a couple hundred people that afternoon (it's a really big bar) and really hit it off with quite a few of them--I'm still friends with many of them twenty years later. Numbers were exchanged, plans were made--principally that I would meet a bunch of them back at that same bar the following Sunday.

I remember riding the bus home that night just beaming at this whole new life I'd found. I also remember somewhere in the back of my mind thinking that surely it was all too good to be true. What if I went back the next Sunday and none of them were there? Maybe none of them would remember me? But almost as if they knew they had to allay my fears, that night two different guys from that afternoon called me to make sure I'd gotten home safe. That next Sunday I was introduced to the rest of the guys who would provide the core of my friends for the next ten years. They said they would show me the ropes and that's exactly what they did--and there was so much to learn, people and places, things to say and do, things not to say and do and it was like a whole new language, different ways of interacting all of it. And it was strange and new and yet weirdly comfortable almost immediately. It was like I came to a place I'd never been and discovered it was home. There were about twenty-five of us (we even had a straight guy) and on any day of the week you could find maybe ten of us out and we always started at that same bar and then every Sunday we were all there. I kind of thought they would just be my bar friends--and that would have been good enough--but there were cocktail parties and dinners, trips to amusement parks and croquet matches in the park and two of the guys threw the most amazing holiday party every year and we were just there for each other--for years and years.

I would definitely say for me that coming in was at least as significant as coming out.

 

I could see that this was probably the case in New York City and maybe even in Chicago. Well, maybe not in Chicago ... not with stockyards, railroads, and commodities trading. However, according to various accounts, there was a homosocial circuit in Hollywood from its inception. That people like Montgomery Clift, Anthony Perkins, and Rock Hudson moved in these circles was known to insiders and shielded from outsiders. And it goes back to even before the time frame in which these stars were peaking.

As for coming out, the concept is different to everyone. I look at it in a way similar to "being your own best friend." If you are honest with yourself as to what you like and don't like in the realm of sexuality, then you are fairly realistic. I'd be interested in knowing how many gay and lesbian folks, as well as other subsets of the sexual minorities, aren't even that far along the road.

 

OGS that sounds wonderful.
I have been to two gay bars so far. Both were surprisingly comfortable- which was amazing, as I have really bad memories of bars from childhood as both parents were active alcoholics. The first gay bar I just sat at a table and ate lunch. The second had big screen tvs and Disney show tunes. I actually gathered the nerve to talk to a couple of guys, who were really nice. I had to leave early for an appointment, but certainly enjoyed it. ( I drank Pepsi, and the really cute bartender who looked like Tom Welling, gave me the drink for free.)
My therapist has encouraged me to go out of town and have friends show me the ropes. I asked some friends and will go later this month. I have no idea what to expect, or even what to ask for. It feels awkward to even ask for help, and it surprised me when they said they'd love to show me around. This is all so new to me. What would be helpful to ask about 'coming in'?

 

Definitely--we do all the time. Especially now that I'm older I sort of feel like it's my responsibility. Everybody needs someone to look out for them and show them the ropes. I remember at the particular bar we frequent the most--that same bar I wandered into the first time--they still do a showtune night and there's a particular song where the thing you do at this one point in the song--if you're in the know--is you throw napkins all at this one particular moment which actually seems to sort of follow from the video but obviously only if you know you're supposed to. There are probably twenty such cues all for different songs--showtune night at this particular bar is a little like a cult--and of course all cults need converts. So whenever they play this song we will try to find someone who really obviously doesn't seem comfortable or doesn't know what's going on. Then a couple of us (being approached by a group of 15-20 guys in a bar probably wouldn't be so welcome) will grab a stack of napkins and walk up to him and hand him half, then we explain that you have to watch us and the screen--us so you'll know when and what to do and the screen so you'll know next time--then when it's time we throw the napkins. It's the most adorable thing--grown men giggle with glee for having thrown the napkins at the same time everyone else did. It's absolutely the cutest thing imaginable. Then we invite him over to do the rest of the show with our group--we're one of the louder, more fun groups so people usually come over and meet the other guys. Some stay--several now fixtures in the group actually started that way.

I know the gay community is so diverse and yet there really are so many deeply formative experiences that many of us share. I really do believe that we have to stick together.

 

Greatwhale, will your 'bar family' include lesbians because I'm in?