Revisiting my past

I think you are correct in stating that you will find being social somewhat easier...but I can only base that on my own experience in the past 15 months.

Believing, thinking and living the gay life just makes everything more intense, more fun, and more real for me. Before accepting who I am, I was always just an uncommitted visitor. I felt as if I was above all that coming-out business and I always held back from what should have been deeper friendships and more intense feelings.

That is no way to live. I am not the only one to have experienced this, many here will say the same thing: being yourself liberates you from what you thought you were, including the idea that you are shy or unattractive.

Becoming yourself means, most of all, letting go of your erroneous conceptions of yourself. Enjoy it!

 

I came out at 69, with exactly the stored memories and feelings you describe. And yes, for me that was a false image. A few weeks ago, I discovered a picture of myself at the age of 42. And my first thought was, "Who is that attractive guy?" For a moment, I didn't even recognize myself.

I had to learn to accept and love myself before I could begin to see myself.

I've been out for just 5 months, discovering only now how others see me.

Give yourself some time. This is a whole new world...

 

I think this is totally a thing. While I'm not out, I have found that the more I have come to realize what's up with me, I feel way more chatty, interested in people, all sorts, anybody, have taken an intense interest in improving my body for that hopefully inevitable encounter (once those last few pounds come off, there'll be some nice abs waiting) and have had to temper my "personality change" a bit so as not to arouse suspicion. ;}

But, yes, I was just like you. And while some of those characteristics have faded with age (and maturity?), I can actually feel myself changing quite drastically. It's a bit spooky and I hope I'm not on some strange high and destined to crash but am just making the most of it while it lasts.

 

I suspect that like myself - another somewhat shy guy who never did very well in the hetero dating scene - that you really need to get out more, and what's more, to the right kinds of places :icon_wink

Damien

 

BeingEarnest,

I can identify with your feelings. I was always on the outside in high school and college. I never really liked who I was either and i found relationships to be so hard. i think that if I had been able to identify myself as gay that i may have had less doubt, although being gay in the 80's would have carried other issues and pains too.

I hope the answer to your questions is "Yes, once you accept yourself, others can also begin to acknowledge and accept the real you too."

Peace.

 

Obviously everyone's experience is different but I honestly think most people find that as they come out and become more comfortable with themselves and share themselves more openly with the world around them that they do find a different way of being, especially of being social. Real sociability is about comfort and honesty and, ideally, so is coming out. I remember shortly after I came out my parents commenting that they hadn't realized how quiet and reserved I was until it all stopped. I remember thinking, and saying, something along the lines of "so now I'm all big and loud?" and my father saying "No, no, of course not--but it's just like you're finally really here."

 

Growing up, as I became more aware that I was not interested in the same things the other guys were, I withdrew from the happy-go-lucky kid I had always into a quiet, introverted shy teen who avoided social interactions and have a small circle of friends in school but basically nothing going on outside those 4 walls.

I carried the insecurity, shame, and self-loathing around for 30 years. I affected my ability to form and keep friendships. It led me into a heterosexual marriage with children which is now almost at an end in divorce. It perpetuated and attitude of distance at work, which -- while not really hampering my career -- has held me back in some ways from being a better contributor in the department.

Now that I'm out, I'm finding myself more likely to join in conversations. I am able to look people in the eye and smile when passing in the hallways and exchange a greeting. Where I work, there's not a lot of water cooler talk about personal lives as such, so I haven't had more than a few opportunities to even come out to coworkers. Even putting a picture of my and my partner up on my desk raised no questions or comments from anyone! Go figure... but stepping back isn't that really what we always hoped for?... that being gay and having a partner would be no big deal to anyone and not affect our work relationships?

I truly feel blessed by how my life has turned around from the darkness and depression of coming to terms with being gay last year, and the anxiety and verbal attacks from my wife about coming clean after a 19 year relationship and 17 year marriage, most of which I was not a good husband -- like she said recently, at least now she knows why our relationship failed; it was one that never could be what it should be for a husband and wife.

So would life have been different if it were acceptable to be openly gay back when we were teens? Almost assuredly for me; I would not have the scars of rejection from my family and I wouldn't have run away from living as a gay man out of shame and fear.

BUT... looking back at the past as a regret or missed opportunity or a what-if scenario, is a waste of the present and holds us back from embracing the future. Sometimes life just sucks and we grunt our way through it until it gets better. And it gets better when we approach each day as an opportunity to be a better person than we were yesterday -- both to ourselves and the people in our lives.

 

I could quote so much that I'm not even going to try...

Even though I'm still in the closet (except for on here) I've been feeling better lately. More comfortable in my own skin. Laughing more and laughing louder. Not policing my opinion or gestures/behavior as much.

I feel like I lost myself somewhere, my sense of who I was or supposed to be, and am now finding myself again. As a child I was reasonably happy, but as a teen quite miserable and I think that is because sexuality started to play a far bigger role. I assumed that I was straight but was terribly bored by all this talk of boys (and girls were so much prettier, what was the big deal about boys anyway?)

It was difficult to find and keep friends. I guess I just didn't fit in, although I tried my best. And because of this I started to dislike myself, berate myself for being strange and awkward etc. Blaming myself for everything, being ashamed of being different, not social enough, unable to really share or connect. Trying to fit into a mold that wasn't made for me. No wonder I felt so bad.

So I'm glad that I finally can and do like myself much better. And just to understand more about myself and my reactions: looking back at my past and seeing how so much does fit if I see myself as gay. How so much of this presumed weirdness was totally normal but just from a different perspective... It makes me happy and provides a sense of relief.

 

Oh, hullo there EC thread that is if it's reading my mind...lol

 

Quit worrying about whether you are attractive; let the others guys decide that. You get to decide if they are attractive to you. LOL

 

I have only barely started coming out in the last couple of weeks; to nobody but myself, my therapist, and the good people here. But I noticed that this week at work it was a lot easier to talk to my coworkers, I felt more relaxed socially. I found it a lot easier to look people in the eyes. Seems like this is a common experience.

 

I think in my own case, I spent so much energy trying to hide who I was, even from myself. And socially, there was always this fear that someone might think I was gay.

Now that fear is pretty much gone, and it's very liberating. I'm suddenly much more comfortable around people and much more at ease.

 

I've struggled connecting with people it's hard hiding who you really are it means your mind is constantly second guessing itself leaving you not fully engaged. People subconsciously pick up on this.

Your among friends here and we like you for who you are. So of course it's possible

 

That's true. And it also helps if you get to a place where you don't care what they think, and just be yourself.

 

I lived most of my life the same... a slave to what others may think. I recently read a quote that spoke to me directly about living in bondage. Maybe it will speak to you as well.

"I think we spend too much time wondering why we’re not good enough. We spend too much time over-analyzing, over-thinking, and over-reacting. We waste too much time putting ourselves down, so much that we don’t ever stop to see that well, we are good enough. You are good enough. We spend too much time with our heads down and hearts closed; and never get a chance to look up from the ground and see that the sun is shining and tomorrow is another day." — unknown

 

I'm still in the process of saying to myself: "Love yourself first unconditionally and then life can be full-filled unconditionally"

Easier said than done - but I'm coming to terms with it...:icon_bigg