I'm new to the site but have read a few posts & it took me awhile (still nervous) to actually make a profile so that I could post. So.... here's my story. I'm 34 yr old married (to a guy) mother of 3 who has always questioned my sexuality. Growing up as a little girl I had crushes on other girls, but never told anyone. When I got into high school I had a boyfriend for a short time (nothing sexual ever happened). Around that same time I was in high school I discovered my dad's playboy collection & I enjoyed looking at them quiet often. As I grew into an adult I had my first sexual experience @ the age of 18. I knew the guy didn't care about me & I didn't care about him. I basically did it to get the whole virginity thing over with. I had several more boyfriends. Then when I was 19 I had a friend (girl) that made out w/ me a few times. I really liked it!! I ended up moving & lost contact w/ her. After my experiences w/ her I told my younger sister & mother about it. My mother's response was to tell me not to mention it ever again & that it was just a phase. Fast forward & when I was 20 I met my now husband & we married when I was 21. I told him from the beginning that I liked women & he was ok with that. I love him very much but the whole sex thing causes problems for us. In the beginning the sex was ok (not great). I feel guilty for always making excuses why I don't want to do it. Most of the time it ends up in an argument after putting him off for too long & I do it just to make him happy. He has no idea I do it just to make him happy though. A while back (a little over a year ago) he had an affair & said it was because the other girl was always there & ready & excited to see him. He has said he would let me be w/another woman & he wouldn't participate , he would just watch & that it would be sex & that's all, but I would never do that. I'm afraid to tell him that I don't just want to have sex with another woman w/out being in a relationship w/ her (I don't just sleep around) I want a romantic relationship as well as a sexual one . When I am physical w/ my husband I cant get excited & finish unless I fantisize about another woman. The female body excites me a lot more than the male body. We go to the strip club every once in a while & I end up tipping them more than he does. I do love my husband & don't want to hurt him. We have been together for 14 yrs. I have given it a lot of thought & I'm so confused. Not sure if I'm bi or lesbian? If I'm les. how could I spend 14 yrs married to a man? Not sure if I should just stay & he'll be happy (he's happy now & I am prepared to give up my happiness) & then I have the kids to consider. When we first got together I told him if we ever broke up I would date women. When I see my self in the future I do picture my life with a female mate. It's just so hard to figure all this out. any advice & support would be greatly appreciated!!!! p.s. sorry for the loooong post!:icon_bigg
Hi Scarlet, I understand some of your situation except I have no kids and I have been married for 24 years. I did not have my first m2m encounter until much later in life although I realize now that I have been interested in guys sexually since I was 19/20. You have been much more open with your husband than I have been with my wife. Seems like you need to continue to be open. Your relationship is much more free sexually than mine and my wife's. Sounds to me like you need to explore what it would mean to end the marriage. You probably need to explore this both with a counselor and a lawyer so that you and the kids are taken care of. There are lots of wise and experienced folks on EC who can give you support and help. Welcome and I wish for you wholeness and happiness. Josh
Thank you for your advice & support marriedover50! Yes I have been open w/my husband, but I don't believe he takes it seriously. I believe he thinks it's something that will benefit him as far as his fantasies go. As far as ending the marriage I tried that once. it didn't work out too well. right after I found out about my husbands affair I told him I was leaving & he got mad & threated to fight & win custody of the kids (which wouldn't happen). So then we sat down the 3 kids to let them know we were going to be separating. They are 13, 9, & 8. Immediately my 13 yr old said he was staying w/ his dad (they get along better because I'm the one who does all the discipline) the other 2 just cried & my husband made it all my fault for wanting to leave. The kids begged me to stay & I couldn't deal with hurting them so bad, so I stayed. I could never put them through that pain again. I have thought of possibly waiting til they are grown then I would be free to move on. Things have gotten some better w/my husband. we get along most of the time. But as I have seen it described by others on here that It's not that I'm unhappy w/my husband now, it's just that I feel like the deep emotional connection & sexual attraction is not there that I could have with a woman. As I try to write all this I know what I want to say but it doesn't come out the way I want it to. well anyway sorry for going on & on .
scarlet your words are full of heartfelt emotion and they speak very clearly. thank you for having the courage to have a profile here, very proud of you. I'm sorry to hear that your husband played the card that's "it all your fault". especially with the kids. Sorry to say he's shown you a part of him that you've not seen before. I'm not qualified to give you advice as to what to do next as you have to do what's right for you. Please remember... you have worth, your needs/wants matter! As far as his proposal, it can work for some couples, but whether you want to go there is completely up to you. Hugs from all of us here who are trying to find their way too. (&&&)
Welcome to EC Scarlet. Lots of us coming out later in life have been married over a decade. Some 20-30+ years. We all have our reasons we got married knowing (or some not) we were gay or bi. It sounds like your husband is messing with your head. I know the guilt you are feeling. None of this is easy. The best thing for your kids is to see their Mom happy. Then they will learn to be confident and secure in who they are too. It's so much more than sexuality. After I came out I saw how many other ways I was not being myself. I had totally lost my identity as an individual. (*hug*)
Yeah I have to echo Rose a bit.... When you stay in an unhappy situation this is what you are teaching your children. You are a mom and a wife but you are also still an individual with wants and needs. IMO it's a much better message to those around you that your feelings be honored as well.
I was married for 9 years, I was emotionally distant, not only with my ex-husband, but everyone in my life, I didn't think it was possible for me to be romantic, and I did not want a sexual relationship with my ex-husband. I was like you, he would harass until I eventually gave in, usually out of guilt or obligation, but the worse part was, I didn't know why. Had no idea I was a lesbian until about 10 months ago when I met my 'trigger crush'. I tried to be 'normal' for my ex's and kids' sake, but ultimately it was hurting all of us. Everyone knew something was wrong, and only I knew the answer. My ex tried very hard to 'fix' us but it was useless, so I did eventually come out to all of them. It was wonderful. Rose27 was correct when she said how we lose our identities as individuals. We either consciously or subconsciously repress a lot of who we are, we form heterosexual identities and are socialized from the time we are babies to be heterosexual and when we repress who we really are, we lose ourselves. I had no idea how much until I first began coming out 4 months ago. I have begun to find little pieces of me I remember from my past and to discover there is so much about myself that I didn't know. I'm beginning to realize that happiness is a possibility, I always accepted it would never happen. I've had romantic ideas, didn't know I could generate those!! Emotionally distant, not at all anymore. Now everybody knows exactly what I'm feeling whether they want to or not. I'm different because I'm discovering who I really am, and I'm proud to be this person and very happy with her. As for the kids, I agree with the others. Of course, do what you think is right. I think and one of the reasons I chose to come out was that this can be seen as a opportunity to teach them about self-respect, self-acceptance, self-love, and to proud of who you are even if you don't conform to others expectations. It may be difficult at first, or it may not, it's hard to tell. But as they get older, kids usually have a much clearer picture of what was happening. I've seen it with my 20 year old who couldn't appreciate certain things when she was younger, but definitely does now. I also have younger, 15 and 8, both who were very ok with the news. But, every child and every situation is different and you will decide what is best based on your situation. This is a very personal journey and only you can take it, but we are hear to support you and give advice along the way
I don't have kids and I've never been married but I will echo what others have said about considering the example you set for your children. I guess the thing I think I would ask myself is, supposing you staid for the sake of the children, how would you feel if one of your children found themselves in a similar situation and staid because they thought it was what you would think was right? It sounds like a terribly difficult situation and I wish you the best of luck in navigating it. Just remember that your happiness matters too and it should matter to the people who care about you.
Thank you all for the kind words & advice. I definitely do have a lot to think about & consider. It feels good to be able to come here & discuss this & know I'm not alone, that there are other people going through similar situations. Thank you all so much.
