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Struggling with homophobia

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by tessamia, Jul 4, 2014.

  1. tessamia

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    Hi everyone, my first post here :slight_smile:

    I found out about my sexual orientation few years ago. Although I tried online dating and met up with several women, I have never been fully comfortable with my sexuality. I am struggling with homophobia.

    There are some LGBT social meetups which I wanted to attend, but always backed out. I am also introverted so I don't make friends easy. At this rate, I wonder whether I will ever find a life partner.

    Anyone have a similar experience? Any advice on overcoming the hurdle?
     
  2. greatwhale

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    Hi Tessamia, welcome to EC!

    Very often we put a label on something, without fully understanding what it means. "Homophobia" falls under that category. It might be helpful if you steered away from that term for a while and frame your struggle in more concrete terms, that is, in images that can take you away from such abstractions.

    You stated that you are not fully comfortable with your sexuality. Do you have religious or philosophical objections? If so, there is a ton of information here at EC and elsewhere that may convince you otherwise, but that is only if you have rational objections to being gay.

    If it is not a rational objection, then you need to dig deeper. Is it fear of rejection, or of being singled-out? A fear of being set apart from the general mass of people? You may begin addressing this by asking why the acceptance of others is so important to you.

    I suspect, from what you describe, it is the fear of making new friends. Many people are like this, it just seems more difficult when we are older and recently closeted. But I can tell you simply that since I have come out to myself over 15 months ago, I have made more new friends and acquaintances in these past 15 months than I have in the preceding 25 years. A key factor in this, I think, has been my decision to fully accept being gay, or rather, to accept that this label as sufficiently accurate, and accepting that being fully involved without reservation is the best I can do for now.

    With that simple act of complete acceptance, I have found a measure of courage I never thought I had. I have become more open to meeting people, I am more fun to be with and I am enjoying myself as never before!

    Keep posting here with us, I trust that you will find I am not a unique case!
     
    #2 greatwhale, Jul 4, 2014
    Last edited: Jul 4, 2014
  3. Wuggums47

    Wuggums47 Guest

    If your homophobia is based in Christianity at all, I would highly reccomend reading this article. And even if it's not, the best way to get rid of these kind of thoughts is to learn to love yourself, and realize that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Science and logic support homosexuality, any study reputable study that has been made in to it has found that people are really born that way, and that they are in every other respect just like everyone else.
     
  4. jnr183

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    Hi Tessamia, let me also welcome you to EC!

    I have been going through a very similar experience. I actually thought about creating a nearly identical thread last night but got occupied otherwise, so it's a funny coincidence to read your post.

    I would agree with greatwhale that 'homophobia' is probably not the right term for it although the term has crossed my mind as well. While I have known for a very long time that I was attracted to men, I never ever considered myself 'gay'. Let me make it clear that morally, religiously, and politically I have zero objection to homosexuality or any other sexuality. I am a Christian but I believe pretty firmly that we should be free to pursue happiness. But 'GAY' was something I never wanted to be and thought I never would be.

    As such, even though I've come out to a few of my closest friends, I am still horribly uncomfortable with my sexuality and I wish I wasn't. To this point, my sexuality has really only been associated with negative experiences (shame about gay pornography, falling for unavailable straight men, anonymous encounters that just made me feel dirty). I don't find myself attracted to gay men like I am attracted to straight men, which is awfully counterproductive. I feel like I'm very stuck on 'camp' stereotypes of gay men and, for one reason or another, they are a huge turn-off to me.

    I think that when I come out to friends they associate being gay with the same kinds of notions. And of course, rationally, I'm sure they don't. But even when I told my best friend- a friend of over 10 years- I can't help but wonder if he feels even the slightest pang of disappointment or discomfort that suddenly his best friend turned out to be gay.

    What I'm getting at is I think a lot of this is in our heads. The faster I can get over these insecurities, the better off I'll be. I think the way to get over it is to meet other gay people that we do like.... that are positive role models for us.... if we can forge bonds with these people then being gay will hopefully be a commonality that we share, and will make us embrace our sexuality further.

    I live in a smaller town and am a somewhat public figure. There are several things that make me unhappy with my personal and professional situations here so I am looking to make a move. Based on my role here and the potential for this to not be a great environment for a recently out man, I don't think I want to come out publicly until I leave this town. It makes it hard, though, because I want to meet gay men but I don't want to go to LGBT events, etc., in my town. However, I think you (and I) need to suck it up and put ourselves out there. The worst thing that can happen is you go, you hate it, and you can always leave. But putting yourself out there is difficult. I am hoping to move to a bigger city so I can have these types of experiences- so I can meet more gay men and hopefully find my niche and be more comfortable with myself.

    I hope some of that helps. I totally understand the struggle. It's something I really need to work at getting over as well.
     
    #4 jnr183, Jul 4, 2014
    Last edited: Jul 4, 2014
  5. Henry656

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    Face the fear and it will disappear

    George Takei had a great video from 2005, where he said that social isolation is a self inflicted wound. When you shed a spotlight on that lurking evil in your mind, you find that it was not your enemy, it was a friend.
    Believe me, that is so true. The monsters that my father's horse whipping me created were not evil.They were my loving side, my gayness, my soul. He tried to destroy my gayness but he suppressed it for 60 years. I paid a hideous price, but I know now what I am and whom I love and my love loves me.
    It was sheer luck that I have him. You know you get one shot at real love, real passion and when you find it, you have to grab it because it will not come again. When you grab for that love, you can not have any fear within yourself.

    Don't let it take you 60 years. I beg you.
     
    #5 Henry656, Jul 4, 2014
    Last edited: Jul 4, 2014
  6. Fallingdown7

    Fallingdown7 Guest

    It takes time, I've suffered from it for over a decade. If you have any questions involving the lesbian community and would like to share what it is that makes you feel that way- I'd be glad to help :slight_smile:
     
  7. HTBO

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    yes, I've experienced it as well. I was determined to overcome it and I think I'm becoming much closer. One of the things I did was go to a very gay part of my city and I forced myself to walk up and down the street for hours and then I went to a gay bar myself and just watched. I needed to desensitize myself. I still go there regularly and every time I go, I become more comfortable. Now there was one time a girl smiled at me and I almost died lol. ok, maybe it wasn't that bad, but I did feel anxious and at the same time really liked it. I've also been doing the online dating thing and I've made some friends which I think is important in overcoming these internal feelings. There is another girl who I''ve been speaking to for about a month and when I first began speaking to her the thought of ever having a girlfriend was scary, but we have been flirting a lot back and forth and I am so much more comfortable with it now. Even though we haven't met, it's not as scary, and I now feel like I may be ready for whatever comes my way. I think it's natural to feel this way, and we've been trained to be heterosexual and therefore, anything else seems different and strange and it will take time to overcome. You need to find what works for you, but I think the hardest part of doing that is recognizing that it is a problem and the finding a way to overcome it.
     
  8. CyclingFan

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    HTBO,

    I've been doing just a little of that kind of desensitizing too, although I'm just getting started. I think it's helping. Unfortunately, with everything else going on in my immediate life, it's a little difficult to do too much more at the moment.

    So exhausted
     
  9. tessamia

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    Thanks all for your replies.

    greatwhale: you made a good point on looking deeper beyond the term "homophobia".

    I am not a Christian so the resistance is not so much religion-based. It is more about the shame of feeling sexual attraction towards the same sex. Like HTBO said, we have been raised to think heterosexual so there is an internal conflict between the hard wiring inside the mind and what the heart wants.

    Sometimes I would fight the feelings of attraction when I am aware of them arising. I would even try to minimize contact with the person whom I am attracted to.

    ---------- Post added 6th Jul 2014 at 09:21 PM ----------

    jnr183: I agree with you that we have to put ourselves out there. I have to try to desensitize myself somehow.
     
  10. quietman702

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    tessamia thanks for sharing your situation right now. I say right now as my hope it that you'll come to a place of self acceptance. Being who you are rather than feeling shame or rejection. Maybe look at it this way, if you get rejected consider it not so personal and tell yourself "it's their loss". I realize this is easier said than done. Sending love and light your way.