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Rough Evening

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by SimpleMan, Jul 4, 2014.

  1. SimpleMan

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    Having a bit of a rough evening. One of my greatest fears is that I've numbed my feelings for so long that I will never really "feel" again.

    I am feeling lonely as I do most holidays when you don't have much of anyone still in your life. I've pushed them all away to keep my secret. The loneliness manifests mostly as a restlessness and a tightness in my chest. I've tried to shed a few tears to see if I can't work through it through crying. The tears come but it doesn't have any impact on these feelings of loneliness and the tightness. I just want to REALLY feel. The good and the bad. The tightness feels like it prevents that. Again, I've numbed for so long that I have a hard time believing I can ever really feel again. That the rest of my life will be this fog where I don't really feel.
     
  2. Peacemaker

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    Im sorry, i have gone through that myself, have you tried meeting other people?
     
  3. PalestrinaMX

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    I am sorry you're feeling this way. I have felt like that many times throughout my life. One thing you could do is volunteer somewhere. Not only will you be helping people, but you will also be able to meet new people who are also volunteering.
     
  4. SimpleMan

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    I am very slowly doing that. I just started a support group last week. Maybe it's reminding me how truly disconnected I am. The hard part is outside of the group and my 1 to 1 sessions with my therapist I have nobody to pour my heart out to when I am struggling.
     
  5. Peacemaker

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    Have you tried go to an LGBT center where you live?
     
  6. Gaysibling

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    Sorry to hear what you're going through. It's great that you are making the effort to reach out to people on here. I came out at thirty and many people come out later. Try to look after yourself the best you ca in the meantime. I have been lucky to make it through the bleak times and I hope that you reach a happier place too.
     
  7. SimpleMan

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    There really isn't one for adults in my city as far as I know. Pretty sure my therapist would have given me the info for it if there was. There are four gay bars within walking distance to my apartment though. :slight_smile: Going into any bar by myself is way outside my comfort zone though. I am not really ready to deal with the whole meat market mentality anyway.
     
  8. Gaysibling

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    The bars are not necessarily something that works for everybody. Do you have a hobby/sport/interest. If you're lucky there may be a group which matches your interest. I love hiking andwhen I first started coming out I was lucky to find a gay hiking group. It felt less pressured to my way of thinking than going to a bar. It might be worth a look online for nearby groups ...people may still hook up, but the purpose ofthe group is ( usually) more social than sexual :slight_smile:
     
  9. SimpleMan

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    I run though the Indy Front Runners group looks like it has been defunct for about a year and a half. Also, no gay hiking groups in Indy. I'd definitely be into that group. I even searched LGBT on MeetUp.com and didn't come up with anything except a group for lesbians. Thanks for the thoughts though. It's been interesting to see just how closeted gay life in Indy still is even though it is a relatively accepting city. (Our Republican ex-Marine mayor is even a supporter of gay rights.) There is a PFLAG group that meets regularly at least.
     
  10. Tightrope

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    I trust your therapist has been a big help. Sometimes, they are catalysts for change and sometimes they are there to tide us through things. Or both. There is no right or wrong answer here. I hope that this part at least makes you feel supported.

    I see what you're saying. The meat market scene is not for a lot of people and, even then, many people tire of it. How about hobby based groups? Sometimes, if you want to stay out of the surge and just dip your feet, you can do that with a few LGBT (look at that, I've got the order right) friends. The next question is where to make these friends. The important thing is that the friendships then center on your being friends and not solely on things related to sex. There's more to life. The thing about LGBT friends is that that very basic hurdle is removed and you can let your hair down.

    I had lunch with a family friend today. This person is not able to do certain things and I got some satisfaction from being able to help this person.

    However, if you have a good therapist who is in your corner, that is a good base to have. The feelings of numbness and detachment are intense when they hit, but they also subside. I hope they do for you, too.
     
  11. Richie.

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    You will feel again. I know how your feeling I still feel like this today. But I know I made the right decision.

    Apparantly I push people away. I think personally the people who are meant to be in your life will stay no matter what.

    You have us whenever you need feel free to message me I'll chat to you whenever you need!

    Peace
     
  12. BeingEarnest

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    I used to think that I went through long times of depression- but I think numbness better described it. It wasn't so much feeling sad, but feeling disconnected to my own feelings, and sense if self, and over time disconnection from family and friends.
    For me, coming out has opened the doors to feelings- which have been overwhelming at times. (On those days, I remind myself that at least I am feeling - hurray ;-)
    Working with my therapist has helped me face emotions, and the memories that accompany them. I am now allowing myself to feel the feelings that I contained from a painful childhood, daily bullying in school, and being molested as a teenager. As hard as it is (there are days when I would like to be numb again...but only for a moment) I am discovering that there is a real release that comes in letting it out safely, and letting it go.
    Journaling has been a lifesaver, especially when I have so many emotions bundled together like a tangled ball.
    The word that keeps coming up for me is integration. I was ashamed and afraid of my own body and my emotions when I was in the closet. Accepting and loving myself means accepting that I am gay- and even embracing it.
    Simple man - I trust that all of your feelings are inside you-all of them. And that you can and will feel again. You are already on a path to wholeness. I encourage you to have the strength to continue, and to allow as many people as you can to support and love you along the way.
    Big hugs.
     
  13. Yossarian

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    Why don't you START a group for running or hiking or whatever your interests are. Every group I have been in for anything always has that One Guy who organizes the group, sends out event notices, and generally gets a lot of people calling him and looking to him as the center of attention. If you are feeling frustrated about not finding what you are looking for, there are probably others in the same boat. You can propose it on one of the meet-up sort of sites, and ask people to spread the word around; maybe post some notices in the gay bars in the area. People are always looking for SOME way to get together with like minded people other than a drinking venue. BE the agent of change in your area, instead of looking for and not finding one, and people will come looking for YOU.
     
  14. SimpleMan

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    Not really comfortable enough with myself yet to start a gay hiking or running group. I would want to be out to family before I did that. I did start a MeetUp group a few years back, but my finances and work schedule at the time made it hard to manage or organize events. It's still going strong thanks to the folks who took it over for me. Starting a group is a good thought though. I'll have to keep it in mind as I move forward.

    Also, thanks for the supportive comments everyone. Today is a much better day. I just needed to get my thoughts out in order to help stop the negative automatic thoughts and feelings from cycling incessantly.

    I really have come a long way in the last few weeks. Hoping that pace of change keeps up the next few months.
     
  15. Gaysibling

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    While everyone has a different experience of coming out and dealing with their sexuality , I imagine many people here had the same reaction I had to these words : nodding my head and thinking "I've been there".

    I think it's important to let those thoughts out , whether by posting on a forum like this, or talking to someone who is trusted. In my experience it helps calm that cycle enough to allow helpful thoughts to be heard too.
     
  16. quietman702

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    Hi and thanks for sharing with us. I used to live in Bloomington, IN and there seemed to be a number of LGBT resources there with IU being there (just a thought). Let know how the support group goes.
     
  17. SimpleMan

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    Bloomington is a great town. I used to live and work in Brown County. I always loved that drive into Bloomington. Just beautiful. I was working at a religious org at the time. While the folks who ran the facility were very gay supportive, if that ever got to their higher ups they'd have a good chance of being fired. Not a good reason, but working there was was a reason to be closeted. (Though I had several openly gay coworkers there over the years.) If I wasn't out to my bosses then they had plausible deniability should they get threats from above their heads when I did eventually come out. I used to stop in for coffee at a very LGBT friendly coffee house when I was in town. Helped me to calm myself when I was feeling really anxious about being closeted.
     
  18. quietman702

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