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avoiding the issue

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by stella99, Jul 5, 2014.

  1. stella99

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    Im going to have to go on holiday with my husband soon and im dreading it. I came out to myself a few months ago when I met my trigger crush but am strictly in the closet. Ive managed to avoid a holiday up until now blaming work pressures so I dont have to be away from my crush. But I think im going to have to go. Im dreading it is that it will only be the two of us, no children, so my miserable status will be highlighted. Also, weve not had sex for 6 months (i always avoided/dreaded it so now he just doesnt ask) and Im worried he will think everythings fine cos we are on holiday and expect me to perform. I dont know if ill be able to go through with it just to keep the peace. Not when ive got such strong feelings for a woman. I can see an almighty argument looming, but I dont think im ready to explain all.
    On a happier note my trigger crush has just moved house and we're organising me to stay over one weekend to help her get organised. Thats promising. Im hoping we get the chance to have a good chat and talk things through. I dont want an affair while im married, I just want to be able to talk honestly with her. It would be good to stop all the guessing about her feelings. But I dont know when that will be. It may be after the holiday.

    Any suggestions how to deal with this holiday?
     
  2. HTBO

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    Sorry, I have no suggestions. Just wanted to wish you luck and hopefully your holiday is uneventful. Will you be visiting with family members on your holiday? If not, check to see what type of tourist activities are offered and plan your days fully and then be 'too tired' when night comes. I know it's not the best idea, but it's not an ideal situation. I completely understand how you feel, wasn't that long ago...
     
  3. stella99

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    Thanks for that HTBO. Unfortunately we will be on our own for the whole holiday. My husband has mobility issues so we couldnt go on many trips, but that was a good suggestion. I think the fact that we are on our own and its been so long since we had any action in the bedroom department it would be a bit strange to be 'too tired'. its obvious theres a bigger problem and I dont know why he's let it go this long without mentioning it.
    Maybe this will be the event that forces the issue. I dont think I could volunteer my news but if he asked directly I dont think I would be doing anyone any favours by lying. I dont think im ready though.

    What would other people out there think if their partner avoids them for 6 months in the bedroom? Is being gay the obvious reason? Can I even think that it has crossed his mind?
     
  4. Really

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    I guess he doesn't have a brother or friend or someone else you could send on this holiday with him, eh? If you told him you were struggling with some issues and thought some time apart might help you figure them out but that he should still go and have a good time? And then after he returns, he'll be primed to hear about your issues and then...

    I don't know. Just a thought.
     
  5. stella99

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    Unfortunately there is no one else who could go on holiday with him. That would have been a good option. I guess im going to have to bite the bullet and see what happens. I just keep putting it off. Im such a coward. I just wish it was done with. Then hes talking about another break in September. This is really the first year we will be away without the children so its highlighting our problems on top of me falling for another woman at this point in time.

    Is it a coincidence that I have fallen for a woman at the point in my life where I would be expected to spend most of my time with just my husband as the children build more of an independant life? Things havent been great for a couple of years but I dont think I could say they were bad, just indifferent. I suppose I thought they would always stay that way as it was easier. Now that I know why, I want so much more from life. I dont want to live like this, I have no emotional connection with anyone, even though ive been married for 20 years. Were not even as close as a brother and sister, but its easier not to rock the boat......:icon_sad::icon_sad:
     
  6. Peacemaker

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    have read your story, hope it works out for you, :goodluck:
     
  7. quietman702

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    Hi Stella, I can feel the pain you have through your words... so wish I could make it better for you. It may have not crossed his mind about you being gay. When I came out to my wife she remarked "now it makes more sense". Her thoughts were that I was just rejecting her and was being cruel. I explained to her that was far from the truth... she was still hurt by my coming out, but a part of her knew I wasn't being a bad word. I hope you can make sense of what I'm trying to say. Take care, John.(*hug*)
     
  8. HTBO

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    Wow stella, I can always see myself in your posts. It's difficult to say what he may be thinking, my ex-husband told me that he had suspected that I may be gay. Same with you, there would be months, and sometimes many months before anything happened, he stopped trying most of the time.
    We were the same way for years before, not great, kind of an indifference. I never knew why until my trigger crush, and once I discovered I was gay, I wanted so much more. I wanted to be me, and live the life I had missed out on being someone I wasn't. Can completely relate to lack of emotional connections as well. I was always accused of being emotionally distant, and again, I didn't know why I was like that. I used to say if others just accepted me for me and didn't try to change me I would be able to open up. Problem was I needed to discover who me was before anyone could accept me that way. Since I began coming out, I no longer have that problem. I still have no emotional connection with my ex, and that will never happen, but with friends, I have begun to build relationships at a much deeper level, and it is an amazing feeling to have that emotional connection.
    I used to say the same as you, easier not to rock the boat until it became easier not to, but you'll know when the time is right for that, you'll feel it. Even though it was only months ago that I was experiencing what you are, it feels like years ago. I have changed and grown in so many ways since then. I know your pain too well, and I'm thinking of you. Stay strong :slight_smile:
     
  9. stella99

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    Thanks guys for the words of support.
    John you are probably right in that he doesn't suspect anything. Its widely rumoured at work that my trigger crush is a lesbian and, knowing how closely im working with her, friends jokingly asked him if he was worried, and he said no. When I was going out with her one evening he actually said how good it was that we got on so well.......i cant possibly come out until she is no longer working with me. Although she answered my question without realising it, she has been nothing but professional until now. I dont want her implicated in anything. We havent discussed anything yet although that may change when I stay over with her. But still i want to keep her out of the prooceedings.

    im sure if I come out while im working with her people will jump to conclusions. That would be so unfair on her. We are both professional enough to keep our feeings in check. I'm sure if/when we get to discuss how we feel we will both agree on that. She may be working with me until the end of the year so I have to be careful.

    Its almost as if im convincing myself I have to maintain the status quo until she is safely off the work scene. That gives me some breathing space unless my husband forces the issue and I explode...

    ---------- Post added 6th Jul 2014 at 09:41 AM ----------

    HTBO our posts have crossed:slight_smile: I just posted then saw yours. Its ironic that the one person in the world that I do feel an emotional connection to, I have to hide my feelings. I do believe I will know when its time, I just hope I have the courage to go through with it although, from what you've said it will be the case of having courage not to go through with it. I just really want to protect my crush, she has done nothing other than be herself.

    At least I now know the reson for my indifference over the years. He is such a lovely guy, he doesn't deserve this.
     
  10. Really

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    Ok. Here's another idea. (I've got a million.)
    I don't know how much time you have before your holiday and this will require a bit if preparation so...
    What if you printed out some material from the Internet about relationships disintegrating (sorry can't think of another word) when one partner discovers they are gay and if you can find something about moving forward and present it to him while you're away. Ask him if he thinks this could be you guys because you've been feeling kind of lost lately and if this is what's happening, you want him (and you) to be happier than you believe either of you are now.
    I realize this is a not totally accurate for you but maybe if he was part of the process to solve this question, he might feel more empowered than if you sprung the whole shebang on him at once.
    Ask him if he would be willing to think about this and when you get home you'd like to seek out some counseling/support for yourself and maybe he'd like to, too.
    Only you, of course, know whether some variation on this would work but I live in a dream world so I'm crossing my fingers for you.
     
  11. stella99

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    Thanks Really, that is a really good suggestion. I don't know if the time is right just now to tell him cos of my work situation but when the time comes I will bear that in mind. I hope I can contain myself enough to have a calm discussion when I tell him and your idea would be a great way forward. All I want is to get through this holiday and be back thinking " its over and there was no big argument........"
     
  12. HopeFloats

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    I dreaded going on vacation with my parents, my child, and my adult siblings last year. I was not out to any of them and it was in fact very difficult. Having fully, finally come out to myself and to others (friends) it felt suffocating to be with them without being honest.

    I told myself I wouldn't do it again without coming out to them. I'm 39 years old and felt like a child. Since last summer, I have come out to my exhusband and that in part gave me the courage to come out to my father. I sent him an email last night. He had invited me and my daughter to the beach in August. In the email I said I understood that this may mean that he doesn't want us to come. But I just couldn't do it again.

    Maybe this holiday would be a good time to talk to your husband.
     
  13. stella99

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    Ive been thinking about taking the opportunity to discuss things while we are away and ive just had the most awful thought. What if it didnt go well, there we are just the two of us, abroad, not knowing anyone else, no one/no where to run to. That would be awful.I think im going to have to just try and get through it the best I can.
    In saying that, im not doing very well just now. Its almost as if anytime im alone the tears just run down my cheeks. In the car, at home alone (and sometimes not alone but on my own) even at work when my trigger crush isnt there. Im a totally different person when im with her.

    Thanks for letting me ramble. I dont have anyone I can talk to about my situation so I really appreciate everyone trying to help.
     
  14. Really

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    Did you get Medical Insurance for this trip? Could your doctor supply a report or whatever is needed to cancel? Does depression count? Whatever else is going on, it doesn't sound like you're in a frame of mind to enjoy this trip. Understatement?
    Alternatively, are you going somewhere where you can make up an itinerary of sites you'd like to see and try to just imagine he's only there to share the travelling expenses but that you're actually alone enjoying Venice (or wherever you're going). Maybe there's an LGBT centre in Italy you could visit. ;}
    I do think, though, that it would be a good opportunity to bring up the fact that you want to get some counseling upon your return for the unhappiness issues you're having. You could have a texting conversation on the plane home. Kind of hard to have an actual fight in such close quarters because of the other passengers.
    Even if you don't sign up for counseling, you've introduced a reason for you to regularly go off and have some "me" time.
     
  15. stella99

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    Thanks Really,. The trip isnt booked yet so we dont need to wory about cancelling or losing money. To hear you say im not in a frame of mind to enjoy the trip is definitely an understatement. Enjoying it has never crossed my mind. And yes, maybe the tears are a sign of depression.....or im not coping as well as I thought.

    Im just panicing today when I think im going to lose my trigger crush completely, for no rational reason. That thought really starts he tears flowing. Some days im quite rational and can think of her as the catalyst to me realising what I want but that it doesn't necessarily mean we will end up together or even keep in touch. Other days, like today, I can almost fel the emoton if we have to say ' well its been nice knowing you.....

    That, on top of worrying about the holiday is making me a bit emotional. Maybe I should make an effort to try to arrange some sort of counselling session with someone, anyone.
     
  16. Really

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    Phew. So, there's still a possibility you don't have to go? Ok good. I think it's totally legit to tell him that, frankly, you're quite miserable and would rather not go on vacation and waste that money. You've decided to get yourself some help because, at the moment, your sanity is at stake. (Melodramatic enough?)
    He must surely be able to tell you're not happy, right? If not, let him catch you crying because it's time for things to get better, not worse.
    As for your crush, it doesn't sound like you're spending all that much time with her so how could she have gone off you? I know our imaginations run wild but try to picture what exactly she has experienced with you from her point of view. Nothing untoward, right?
    I think finding some counseling would be a good idea no matter what because I'm actually an amateur at this even though I feel like a dog with a bone as far as your problem is concerned. I won't let go until it's done.
     
  17. HTBO

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    Stella, wish I could give you a hug :slight_smile: I know how you feel about your trigger crush, very well. Try to find somewhere else to place your focus. You have the majority of it centered on her, and what isn't on her is on your husband. You need to breathe. I know the thought of losing her is hard, but it does get easier. I haven't seen or spoken to mine since end of April, and I never thought I'd be able to do it. I now see her as you indicated, a catalyst. Now that I've been removed from the situation, I see that her and I never would have worked, I believe I may have been wearing rose colored glasses at the time :slight_smile: I took that energy that was directed to her and focused it on me instead and I have begun to become the person I truly am. I have a new crush, one that is aware of the situation, and who I've taken the time to get to know really well. It isn't as powerful as trigger, but it's much better. If I was given the option between trigger and new girl right now, trigger would lose. It was such a strong, powerful thing with trigger, and it's difficult to explain the intensity, however, i'm fairly confidant that you know what I'm talking about. Be careful not to get hurt, take care of yourself, and protect your feelings before they get to a point that is too overwhelming. The depression can creep up and then take over, so if you can find a way, get some counseling. If you are crying all the time, you are not in a good place and you need some help, and it could be time to make changes, but only you can decide if it's that time. The depression stage is very difficult, and you need to take care of yourself. As for the holiday, is there any way you can cancel, find any excuse you can. You know it's not a good time for it unfortunately, and if it's going to be only you and your husband who knows what may happen. You may end up telling him, but if it's during a crying episode or if you're having an argument, those are not ideal times. It's something you will want to plan a little I'm sure. Keep us posted and remember you're not alone.
     
  18. stella99

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    Thanks really, I appreciate your advice.

    Interesting comment about seeing it from my crush's point of view. We don't spend much time together out of work but we are together 8 hours a day while at work. Just the 2 of us in one room. You are right in that nothing untoward has happened. When I talk about losing her I do literally mean losing her - she will move on eventually and I will no longer work with her in person. Did you think I meant losing an emotional relationship? You may be right in that she has no idea how I feel and moving on will not be an issue for her. I must learn to accept that idea, but it will be a big issue for me and I'm going to have to deal with it somehow although it may not be for a while yet. Sometimes I can put myself in that place just now and it feels so real, maybe its a way to practice how I'm going to feel so I can deal with it better at the time. We may even agree to keep in touch, I don't know.

    I think I will try and get out of the holiday, somehow. I am such a coward, I don't want to let my husband see me cry as we'll then have to discuss 'things' and I'm dreading it. I'm not strong at the moment.
     
  19. Damien

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    Hi stella,
    I was wondering, if instead of cancelling the holiday, you could instead just make it clear to him that, despite you both going on a holiday alone together, that you are 'going through something at present', and really don't feel like sex during the holiday, at all? Maybe you could just agree to be affectionate with each other, but not actually get sexual. If he is understanding enough, he might be ok with that.

    But I must admit, your situation does sound challenging...I wish you well on resolving it. I hope you can find a way that both honours your need to be true to yourself, but that is also sensitive to your husband's feelings as well - because although we guys seem quite tough on the outside, well inside we are often not. I empathize with both of you, hope you can work something out...

    ---------- Post added 8th Jul 2014 at 11:20 AM ----------

    A hug for you from across the seas (*hug*)
    Take care
     
  20. Really

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    You're not a coward. You're just kind of overwhelmed at the moment. I suggest you break it down into manageable pieces. Maybe you could document the two relationships in list format. For him: 3 columns - OBSERVABLE SYMPTOMS of the relationship, THOUGHTS & FEELINGS you're having, THINGS YOU'D LIKE TO SAY TO HIM (actual phrases).
    For her: THINGS TO SAY (actual phrases a non-emotional friend would say to extend the friendship; eg After you share a laugh, "This is fun. We should get together after you transfer. Do lunch." Do you do lunch now? "We should keep this up if we can when you've transferred.")
    And then try to achieve one thing everyday even if it's just finding a clipboard, some lined paper and a pen the first day. Writing the titles the next day. And then adding one thing each day to the list. Maybe if you hash it all out a bit more concretely than just allowing it to swim around in your head, you might find the strength to actually say some of these things to each of them. Or showing him his document. And find a new normal for your friendship with her - not so emotional on your part, just nice and friendly.
    I believe that even the victory of completing one small thing you set out to do will make you feel better. I know it does for me, even if it's just changing a lightbulb.