Hi Everyone, This is my first post I will start by saying I I am a 48 year old male who came out to my wife of 17 years almost a year ago. I moved out about 3.5 months ago and it is more difficult than I expected. I love my wife and have explained to her that my leaving had nothing to do with her I deserve to be the person I have had bottled up all my life. I want to experience what it is like to be with a man. I have no doubts in my mind that I am and have always been gay, she doesn't deny that she and everyone else knew. She will not let me go.... She wants me home she doesn't care that I'm gay... She wants us to stay married... We have both been seeing counselors however I don't see where her counselor is helping her resolve my leaving. Do you have any suggestions? I am so tired.....
Markie, Hello. Sounds like you have taken courageous steps. What are you wanting? Do you hope to be free to find a relationship in the future with someone other than your ? What does your counselor advise at this stage? Do you need a few joint sessions together with a good counselor? Sounds like more time is needed for her to adjust, grieve, and come to terms with what this really means for her. Hold onto your hopes and desires. Josh
There are a number of push/pull factors at work here, but I can't help but feel that returning to the marital home would be a step backwards for you and a setback for you. Ultimately, it has to be your decision, but if you really want to be the person you have bottled up all your life, how do imagine going back will help you achieve that? Would it, in fact, do more harm to you and your relationship with your wife if you did go back? You certainly need to consider this carefully if it is your intention to remain on good terms with her into the future. Take your time and don't rush into any decisions.
Thank you all for your replies. I have finally found and accepted who I truly am. I have no plans on returning to my previous life. I am gay and I want to experience what that truly means. I suppose my real issue is that my ex has had a lot of awful things happen to her in her life I want to remain friends and my heart won't allow me to hurt her. I know none of those awful things are in any way my fault but after 17 years of caring for and taking care of her it's not so simple to just walk away. I've told her I won't be returning home, I've told her I want to be with a man, I've told her I will of course always love her but I'm not the same person. Also @ Marriedover50 we each have seen counselors I do not respect her counselor and my counselor although he works with gay men will not work with couples who are not striving to stay together. I am currently working on finding someone who is willing to work with us and this situation. Wish me luck!
I find myself In a very similar place with my wife of 24 years. She has had a rough journey that is no fault of mine. I don't want to add to her pain and so I am still working towards coming out to her. I hope you can find the right person to help you as you continue to transition.
Thank you marriedover50 and I wish you luck on coming out to your wife. It took me some life threatening situations to realize life is short, once I came out to her her reactions were not what I expected and continue to sit on my shoulder daily....
Hi, The obvious and all too common answer... All counselors, therapists are not created equal or pair well with every client. There are professionals out there who would support your wife in her feelings. Sadly, you cannot pick her therapist, nor should you, but you can remind her there may be other therapists who could help her cope better because you are going to keep moving forward. You (anyone) cannot help another as people can only help themselves in the end.
Got some similar issues here. I came out to my wife nearly a year ago, and at the time intended to gradually transition myself out of the marriage due to financial and emotional reasons. What I didn't realize was that although she asked questions and started awkward discussions, she was so completely in denial that she really thought this would just go away. I'm now in a relationship that I didn't seek out or expect--quite the opposite, actually, as we both fully expected to be alone for years or forever. So suddenly my timeline is picking up speed, whereas hers is still lumbering along in denial, with my relationship dragging her along faster and faster, like someone tied to the back of a pickup truck that's slowly accelerating. We haven't done any kind of joint counseling (she refuses because a counselor will "just tell her that she's the one who needs to change"). But I'm discovering that the only way to move things along is to be kind but assertive, and stand up for myself. I don't hide my relationship from her or the kids, and I'm trying to find ways to work his existence into conversations and make sure that I'm able to visibly spend time with him, be it texting or the occasional activity. It's not that I'm flaunting it, or trying to push them aside for him, but I'm trying to make him real and present. We are all sometimes able to ake jokes about my taste in men vs. hers, and I do it in front of my 16-year-old, who often joinms in. It's weird sometimes, and pushes some of the limits of what I used to conside my comfort zone, but it's progress. You have to keep reminding her that you want the friendship, too, and show it in one way or another--and make sure she KNOWS that's the intent. I have found that NOT being as secretive has finally moved her more towards talking about the future. (Albeit still not doing as much about it.) My wife commented the other day that for months she has "expected to get hit in the head with a golf ball and wake up in her old life, like the end of the old Newhart show". Sounds a lot like what your wife is doing. Be kind, be attentive when you can, but live your life and make sure she knows that's what you're doing, and it won't change. It may take a while longer for her to accept it. My wife still wishes she would get hit by that golf ball, but at least now she isn't expecting to be. Good luck!
