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Scared of not knowing

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by LostMyself, Jul 7, 2014.

  1. LostMyself

    LostMyself Guest

    It's been 2 agonising long weeks since my partner of 11 years left me at first I started to think its our relationship but since having time to reflect my heads been feeling clearer despite his constant manipulation games that was the only thing breaking me.I booked us into relationship counselling first appointment didn't go very well no one knows about my questioning my sexuality so that's not where the issue was in relation too.We are booked in for single sessions in the up coming weeks.For past couple days his been messaging me telling me he will stop with the mind games that he loves me wants to kiss me ect.The thing is I am back to thinking about my sexuality again as I miss him but the thought of kissing,touching anything intimate is making my skin crawl I have no desire to do those things but yet I feel very lost without him.This past week I've been having fantasies about a lesbian friend thinking about being kissed by her is a nice thought but when I think about my partner it isn't a pleasent feeling.His attractive but I can't bring myself to desire,I feel like I should make more effort I'm so very confused again.The possibility of being with a woman is a nice calming thought but I don't think reality is going to make it easy for me.Im scared of being rejected no one loving me.Im scared for my kids I don't want to confuse them like they already are.Im trying to find a Lgbt counsellor but with lack of funds it's not looking possible at this point.:bang:
     
  2. CyclingFan

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    I dunno....sounds like at least part of the issues are your sexuality even if there's something else there too that's brought you to counseling.
     
  3. LostMyself

    LostMyself Guest

    Yeah I guess I'm trying to force myself to be what I have to be but my inner self is fighting it something is not right.The pain I felt this past two weeks was depressing but I wasn't obsessed with my sexuality for first time in almost 4 years
     
  4. HTBO

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    First, why do you miss him? Is it because you miss him or do you miss the familiarity and security of having him there? Change is always very difficult and it can be scary, but sometimes it's the best thing that ever happened. This is your opportunity to figure out who you are and what you want. If you don't, and he comes back, and then you do realize for sure who you are and separate again, that will be more confusing for kids. It's probably difficult for them now, but he's already gone, so it would be easier for them if you take this time to discover what you want and what you need.
    Don't worry about whether someone will love you or being rejected, when the time comes for that, you will find someone, but first you need to worry about who you are and accept and love that person, then you can proceed to the next step of finding another person.
    Are there any LGBT centers or resources in your area that may offer counselors or other people who may be able to assist you? You can also check with social services, they may know of a way for you to obtain counseling.
     
  5. Really

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    Just briefly, wanted to say that if you've been loved before you most assuredly, and logic dictates, will be again. If someone found you lovable before, another (or even others) will find you lovable again. They just don't know you yet.
    Think of all the people and things you love. You're not the only one, right?
    And don't worry about being rejected. That's just like you trying licorice-balsamic ice cream and saying, "Sorry. Not to my taste, but thanks.". Someone else will find you delicious.
     
  6. paris

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    I'd really recommend you to try a family constellation session if you have a chance. I went on Saturday and it was amazing so I plan on going again next month. It's hard to explain how it works because it's something you can understand fully only through personal experience but it's an "approach for revealing the hidden dynamics in a family so that they can be worked with and healed." You can google for more information if interested.