Hi all Im new to this website having only just found it. But I am very happy to see this prominent section on LGBT later in life. I have read quite a few posts and this is an excellent site. Im don't have a specific question but I suppose that I am a bit depressed with my life due to sexuality issues. I grew up in a very homophobic and very small country town. I clearly remember the moment that I was attracted to men (at around 12) and the devastating effect that it had on me. It was like realising that you were the most depraved person and that no one would support or love you ever again. This may seem dramatic but in that town at that time it was entirely true. I was in genuine fear. I had to live in that town for years until eventually moving away to university. University was not much better as it was a small university without any real gay subculture. On top of that it was around the time that HIV (GRID) was in the press and general anti-gay hysteria in the media. More repression for me. I had a string of short and relationships with women and almost got married in my 30s but couldn't go through with it. I moved cities and tried to start again. I saw a counsellor and worked through some of my issues, mostly resentment towards my family. I made attempts to meet a man but didn't find anyone suitable. Meanwhile I had a double life with a straight persona with family and work but with a couple of close friends knowing my bi/gay orientation. Eventually I met a wonderful man while on holiday. Extremely close feelings but not a sexual relationship and unfortunately it ended all too quickly and we now live on opposite sides of the world now! I realise that I need to try again to find someone if I am ever going to be happy. Unfortunately the gay scene is not appealing at all. Gay nightclubs are mostly noisy unappealing places. I am not at all into drag queens or house music and am not interested in saunas or beats. There is a very seedy side to gay culture that is not attractive to me. Not much more to say really. Just airing thoughts for this posting.
You should try gay pubs. Although im only 23, i like to think im pretty mature for my age. Almost had a few relationships with 30-40 y/o's because i too hate the gay scene with nightclubs and that and they found me attractive because i wasn't into that scene. Pubs are the best place to find GOOD gays. Even if you're just wanting to "test the waters" you can meet some really good guys out there just looking for a chat and a laugh and a community where they can be "themselves". Try it! Hope you feel comfortable! Only you can take the steps!
Hey robtrie, welcome to EC! I'd like to comment a little on what I highlighted above from your text. It is a mistake to equate happiness with being in a relationship. A good relationship can, of course, make you happy, but your overall happiness need not depend on being in one. I can tell you that there are many sad stories here of people who have settled for second-best out of the desperate desire to not be alone, only to find themselves even more desperate in an unsuitable relationship. Perhaps the rut you speak of is in trying to do the same thing but expecting a different result. It may be better to ditch the idea of needing a relationship, and rather, cultivating your own interests and finding a way to love yourself in solitude (not loneliness). Paradoxically, a person who is happy with himself is very much more attractive to others. If you go to places where gay guys are known to be, and go with the attitude that you can make friends, without all that seeking-a-relationship pressure, and have fun instead (and gay bars can be fun), suddenly, interesting things start to happen...
Hi Greatwhale I agree with you. Over the last few years I have put quite a bit of effort into self development and trying to develop contentment in who I am. This includes mediation and creativity. But what I have realised is that I also want an intimate relationship. For me it is more about intimacy and closeness with sex being secondary. Already this posting has given me food for thought. I will spend some time in bars, although this can feel strange if alone.
I used to live in Nottingham, UK and there isn't many gay bars there. My friends didn't know i was gay, or anyone, so i went on my own and at least half of the people there were "alone" but you easily make a friend at the bar. When i first went, i just sat at the corner of the bar with my phone and some blokes were standing around a table behind me, they kindly told me that the bar im in is a gay bar and i kindly replied that i knew which is why im there. And they were really kind to me, told me a lot about their lives, funny stories and everything and made me feel like i had been their friends for ages! It was so different to what i'm used to with people my own age. small talk and only looking for hook-ups.
If it helps any, robtrie, read my thread on "Coming In" and especially the contributions from OGS, they are quite uplifting! http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/143384-how-coming-out-once-meant-coming.html Good for you for working on yourself, it would very much appear that you are seeking a relationship for the right reasons!
I'll second (or third or fourth) the idea of checking out a pub as well. I too am not so sure about dance clubs, but I had a great time Saturday night at the bar. I sat at the bar, had a few drinks. Chatted a little with a couple people as they came up for drinks, then had a really spectacular conversation with one guy. Jell-O shots and phone numbers were exchanged. It seems for me at least, that at least part of my shyness/anxiety/introversion or whatever is also bound up in how tightly controlled I've always kept myself and I think that a huge measure of this comes from repressing my sexuality. But being someplace where I didn't have to think about that in any way was just amazing. I think it made it much easier for me to talk to people and for them to talk to me.
