My husband came out to me...

Came out to you as what? Gay? Bisexual?

I've seen other people here whose spouses came out to them, so you're not alone. (*hug*)

 

Hi firefly, and welcome.

I don't know of any Forums specifically for that, but you could try this one...I think you will find that folks here will be able to empathize with your situation, and offer whatever advice they can. There is a section entitled, "Family, Friends and Relationships" in this Forum, maybe that would be a good place to post?

kind regards,
Damien.

 

Welcome! I think this website is a good place to ask advice regarding your situation with your husband. There are people here who came out later in life and I think they can give you much better advice than me.

 

Suggestions for what?

For coping?
For accepting?
For supporting?

I understand it's a hard thing to wrap your head around, so I'm just saying you need to accept it immediately. But perhaps you should have a talk with him when you're ready. Just try to keep an open, respectful outlook and let him answer any questions you may have.

 

There is a section of this forum, LGBT Later in Life, that is full of people who are in your husbands situation. You could probably find a lot of support there (maybe even repost this thread there) as that's the place you'll find people that'll understand your situation the best. A lot of them are in/have come out in straight relationships with kids involved.

 

I hope you find the support you're looking for. (*hug*)

 

Welcome to EC Firefly81. Thank you for sharing your story. It's ok to be scared and angry and grieve what you are losing. This is a painful journey for both of you. (*hug*)

 

This sort of thing wasn't unusual at all in the old days. He wanted to ignore it because he was afraid; Please, do your best to be understanding and kind to him. For a very long time, coming out meant that your life was virtually over.

 

Hi firefly,
some of us who have same-sex attraction are able to admit it to ourselves early on, others, not. I felt it during my teens, but strongly suppressed it through my adult life, right up until this year. I, like your husband, chose to ignore it, because it was such a hard thing to accept about myself, that it was easier for me to just pretend it didn't really exist. Just thought to give you an insider's point of view on this, if that is helpful.

The fact that you are best friends, is going to make this a much easier road to travel, but it is still going to be challenging. The fact that you have come here to talk about it, shows that you must love him a great deal, and I really do wish all the best for the both of you. I wish I could give more advice, but I'd say there will be plenty of others here who have direct experience of what he is going through (I have not had the need to come out to anyone in this way myself) and that might be helpful to you, as you negotiate this difficult transition in your lives. (*hug*)

Damien.

 

Hi firefly,

You've said a few things here that I know my wife could relate to. We've been married 10 years, no kids. I too feel that she and I are best friends, although this is certainly not without its strains.

This in particular is struck me as something she said

I don't know about for your husband, but for me my feelings and thoughts were so highly repressed that I couldn't quite understand this. I truly felt that I loved her, in as deep and as powerful a way as I could. What I'm seeing as I'm being more honest with myself and as I experience a little more, that there is an additional dimension that I'm missing out on.

I feel for both of you.

 

FYI, I merged the two threads on the same topic since both had replies.

I think that LGBT Later in Life (where the merged thread is) would be the place for this. I've left a redirect in the other forum so people can find there way here too

As for the topic at hand, there are plenty of people on this forum (as you can see) in the reverse situation, of coming out to a spouse. I'm one that came out later in life myself (though not married or having a girlfriend), so I can appreciate that the challenges faced here can be unique on both sides. I hope you find what you're looking for here! (*hug*)

 

Firefly,

I am empathetic about your hurt, confusion and anger. I have been married 24 years. I have not come out to my wife yet because I am so afraid of putting her through exactly what you are going through. I have just in the last 2 months come to accept my true orientation as a gay man. My wife asked me if I was gay about 7 years ago. I denied and rejected this definition. I know that we have different levels of emotional/sexual attachment to one another. She is my best friend, but I know that I do not love her in the same way she loves me. I so wish this was not so. I was unable to be honest with myself until recently.

I realize that I cannot repress this much longer, but the courage it is going to take to be honest with her at this stage in our marriage is huge.

You need to welcome your feelings, all of them. I hope you can also compassionately welcome and pay attention to the fears, longings, aches and challenges that your husband is expressing.

There are many options for the two of you moving forward. You may want to explore these with a LGBT friendly counselor. Your husband seems to be expressing that nothing has to change in your relationship. I am not sure what this means, because the reality is that something has changed already. Your relationship is now based on honesty and truth. Together, you both will have to decide what the relationship will be going forward. I hope your husband will be able to see that things are different and will never be the same. This does not mean that you cannot continue to maintain some type of relationship, but the relationship will be framed differently from this moment forward and you will need to come to terms with what you need in a relationship with your husband.

I have learned that this process will take time, there is no need to rush to quick decisions. I hope that you can find support here as you process this new part of your relationship.

Peace,

Josh

 

I am pretty much in the same situation, except I'm the one who came out. And you are correct, this probably would be a good place for him as well.
I had been married for 9 years, and have a 15 and 8 year old.
I agree with cyclingfan, my feelings were so deeply repressed as well, I honestly thought I was straight and that I was in love with him. I had the intention of forever, and if someone had told me then I was gay, I would have told them they were crazy and that was impossible. I didn't realize that what I had with my ex-husband wasn't what I thought. I accepted I was emotionally distant, I accepted I wasn't romantic, and that I had no or little desire for sex. It rarely happened, and when it did, it was after months of him trying, then giving up, and then leading to a fight. Same way every time. And I still didn't know I was gay, and thought everything was great. Our marriage never meant anything different to me than him. It was when I developed a crush on another woman that I realized I was gay, and even that took some time to accept and come out to myself. I realized eventually how much I had repressed and denied, and I acknowledged the same as your husband, deep down I always knew. But you should understand that it was so deep that I had no idea, it was only once I realized and I looked back at my life did I see this. I waited for 6 months to tell him because I had to process and begin to accept. He didn't understand that and thought I should have told him right away, but like you, he said I am who I am, it was the lying he didn't like. I never used him as a cover up. Looking back I now realized I dated men and got married, etc because it was expected of me, yet, I also believed I wanted it. What I wanted was to be normal. It had nothing to do with him and how he was as a person, and I do feel incredibly guilty for wasting those years he could have been with someone else who could give him what he needs. Only after I came out did I realize I could be romantic and express emotion now that I know who I am. It has been such a relief. How did we handle the situation?
The kids know, and even my 8 year old understood. It took her a couple of weeks, but she did begin asking questions about my liking girls and not boys, and she seems to understand now. Your 8 year old is not too young. The nice thing about the two year old is at the age memory is still developing, so the 2 year old can grow up knowing daddy is gay and there doesn't need to be a discussion, it's how it is. If that's what you choose. As for us, we are now roommates. We moved into a 4 bedroom apt. We are going to do it for two years until our 15 year old graduates high school. If it wasn't for her, we may not have done the roommate thing, but it's also a good transition for the 8 year old. Our plan was also to be friends, and it's difficult. We live separate lives, do things separately with the kids to avoid confusion, and we are both free to date, just not bring anyone home. We don't consider ourselves married anymore. The kids know we are not together and so do our family and friends. What I discovered after, even though I wanted our relationship as friends to stay the same, is that I didn't. I was finally free to be the person I am, and by continuing as we always did, it felt like nothing changed. After we had a discussion and decided to be roommates, we watched tv, like nothing was different, we had been more like friends for years anyways. But that didn't last long because things were different, I was different, and I was gay. I wanted to have my gay identity, I wanted to meet other people, I wanted to become part of the community. And he was supportive of it. It also meant that things changed between us, I felt like I had to distance myself more from him in order to become the real me. He represented all the lies, denial and repression, and I felt out of place around him, and so I tried to get away as much as possible. We do have occasional conversations now, but we keep our lives fairly private and separate, especially the more I assume my gay identity and the more I become involved and meet people. I tell you this to be prepared, once the initial shock/euphoria of coming out has passed, he may want to continue to the next stage and begin to assume his gay identity. It's going to be a very confusing and emotional time. Coming out and acceptance are very difficult, but it doesn't end there. Soon he may begin to see how hetero-normative society is and that he is different and that the life he will now lead will be different. There may be times he wishes he could go back to being oblivious. I can't really help you with how you are feeling or even how he is, but only share my experiences and feelings and hope that it helps you in some way. Just remember it has nothing to do with you and his feelings for you were probably very genuine. You must be a very loving and caring person to come here to find help. He is very lucky to have you in his life, and he probably knows that

 

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(*hug*)

I am sorry for your grief.