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30 and married, but I think I might be a lesbian...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by ilovejane, Jul 8, 2014.

  1. ilovejane

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    Hi,

    I'm looking for support & advice if possible. I got married a few years ago to a wonderful straight man, and shortly after began having feelings and attraction to a woman for the first time. This led to first one affair, then another, and I still feel completely torn about whether to stay married or not. I know now that I really enjoy women, but I'm afraid to come out and lose everything I thought I had wanted until now. It feels like my world has flipped upside down, and it is terribly lonely. I'm not proud to have had affairs behind his back. But I don't know who I am anymore, or why I didn't figure out my attraction to women earlier... If anyone else has gone through something like this, please reach out.

    Thank you for reading.
     
  2. jnr183

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    Hello and welcome to EC.... as others will likely tell you, this forum is phenomenally helpful for problems like this.

    I can't tell you from experience about what would be best, although we are close in age and are both currently struggling with our sexualities. Others on here definitely can comment on the complications added by a marriage.

    To start the conversation though, have you considered telling your husband? I know it would be difficult, but as someone who has consciously and subconsciouly hidden my sexuality for decades, as I'm becoming more honest with myself and with others I can't overstate how important honesty is once you truly experience it.

    Like I said, others on here can probably give you much better and more seasoned advice. I'm learning this as I go. But I also wanted to say hi and hope you'll keep us posted on your progress!
     
  3. paris

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    Well, what we want changes over time. We change. And what we think will make us happy changes as well. There's nothing wrong with that. It's not failure, we simply adjust to new things in our lives accordingly. I understand it may be somewhat scary but would it be really that bad to lose everything you thought you had wanted until now?
    I realized my attraction to women at 35, and you can read on the forum it's not abnormal to realize later in life. Surely I asked myself why I hadn't known I'm attracted to women earlier but there were circumstances in my life that made it more difficult for me to realize and that's okay. Maybe I wasn't ready back then...
    I think you should take responsibility for your sexuality and if you want to be with a woman you should be fair to your husband and tell him. I know from my personal experience it's far from easy to do, and I don't say he won't feel hurt and you won't feel guilty, but in the end of the day it's the right thing to do.
    I wish you to discover who you truly are because it's very liberating. Take your time, there's no hurry. (*hug*)
     
    #3 paris, Jul 9, 2014
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2014
  4. Richie.

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    It's a deeply lonely scary place you're in I've been there. Take light that so many of us have been where you are. You're not alone. Have you thought about therapy?

    You're in the right place for now. Don't worry.
     
  5. Jim1454

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    Hi there and welcome to EC. You've come to the right place. Many of us - including me - came to realize and accept that we were gay later in life. (I was 36, and had been married for 9 years and had 2 kids.)

    I also cheated, and I'm not proud of that at all. I know now that there were other things at play for me, but it isn't necessary to have sex with the same sex to know that you want to. There's no need to experiment, and the conversation with the spouse is much easier if you haven't cheated - because they're going to ask.

    Keeping what we know - even if it doesn't really work for us - seems to be preferable to change - even if it has great promise. I think everyone is naturally like that. You're not alone in being a little fearful of what might happen if you come out to your husband. But I would also suggest that your marriage is going to suffer one way or another - because whether you realize it or not, this is already having an impact on your relationship. The longer you go, the more distant you'll likely become, which would cause a crisis in the relationship anyway.

    I think we all fear that we're going to lose 'everything'. But that's not true. We still have our kids - even if we don't see them as often. We still have our jobs. We still have our friends, and if you're really lucky, your spouse remains one of them. Sure, you might need to downsize in terms of where you live, but for the most part, you don't lose all that much. It just seems like a lot - because you include in that all the things that you expected to happen in the future as well. Growing old together, watching the kids grow up in 'that' house, etc.

    Remember - you still have a future, no matter which route you take.

    If you read my threads, I started in this journey 7 years ago. I'm now remarried to a wonderful man, I still get along with my ex, I have a good relationship with my daughters, our families are very accepting, etc. It has worked out really well - and I'm not that special. It can work out well for everyone.

    Good luck - and again - welcome!
     
  6. HopeFloats

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    What scares you the most about coming out? Do you still have a relationship with a woman you've had an affair with? Being out and in an open relationship is a lot healthier. I recommend Chely Wright's book Like Me.