Divorce Papers

its going to get better! the beginnings are always the hardest

 

Well, not having filed yet, I can't say for sure, Tim. But change is the bitch. LIVING with the changes that have happened, once they're done happening, is a breeze. But it's miserable when you're in the middle of it. Thinking of you.

 

got served about a month ago, still working through the lawyers, i feel your pain bud.

 

I've been through four divorces...it does not get any easier, however, after my last my ex and I went to lunch and had a really good heart to heart! It's a piece of paper. It's not a failure, but our society dumps that idea into our heads..Yes, you feel like shit now, but its a new beginning as well! You will be upbeat in a few days..and after a few months you will realize that you should have done this years ago....Good luck!

 

I know how you feel, it is the finality of it that rankles.

Try to see marriage as the social institution that it is, a public arrangement, conferring upon you both certain rights, privileges and obligations that has had to end (if it were only you and your wife on a deserted island, would marriage even make sense?).

Of course, it isn't so simple. She is probably the one person who knows you better than anyone else, both the good and the bad (and you know that of her as well). Whether you want this or not, she has pretty much become part of your DNA. Nevertheless, although untangling all of that seems difficult...it really isn't. The assets are split, agreements are put in place, and if both parties are honourable, the Agreement holds for as long as it has to.

You are still breathing, still thinking, still there for someone to find you so that you can truly love someone like never before.

 

Well, this will be a little over 6 months in my future.

Maybe it'll happen the same day as our wedding anniversary. That'd be a hoot.

 

Reminders of close bonds are always difficult.

I initiated a break-up exactly once in my life...28 years ago. It was, as it turned out, the right thing to do. But at the time it felt selfish and risky. I'd met this other woman, with whom I felt a bond unlike anything else I'd ever experienced...we were 19, and we just *had* to give ourselves a chance, even though we knew it would cause my current gf and her bf pain. Of course, 28 years later, I'm still with that person, and couldn't imagine a better partner...but at the time it *was* selfish and risky!!

So I can't even say I broke up with that person for *both* our well-being and happiness! I hurt both of us, actually. It stung and stung. I'd see her around campus, and my heart would just twist. My new love was at another school, so I saw more of my ex than I did of my new gf. But with each passing month it did get better. And now (just to give closure to the story), my ex and I are still friends and still in touch, albeit only speaking about once a year or so.

I know your situation is different, Tim. But feeling like shit at such a time is completely understandable and normal. You will move forward, though...there's not other way *to* move, for one thing. And over time, you'll grow beyond this pain and this difficulty. Think of a tree struck by a single axe blow...even if it's deep, the tree will eventually grow around the wound.

And things will not only get "better"...they'll become *wonderful*.

 

The toughest time, but could also be the most exciting, as well. Freedom is never won easily, but on the positive side, it's freedom...

 

Sending hugs in this tender time. I hope it opens the door to an exciting and joyful discovery of who you are.

 

tscott - I fear that I am just a few months behind you in the process. I feel you and what you are going thru. I can say for myself that the thought process of "one ending and another beginning" is hard to accept at this point. Like you, I still love my wife. Mine does not know yet. But what I continue to tell myself is that I am not equipped to love her the way she needs and deserves to be loved. As painful as it is to envision the end of my marriage, it is harder for me to see her struggle each day to try to please me....when I know she never will. I am struggling with even coming out to my wife at all - or just saying that things aren't working out and filing for divorce. In the end though, I do think honesty is the best policy.

My thoughts are with you.....and please know that I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

 

Tim and tx duke, my very best wishes for you both in your separate journeys.
Perhaps there's no real love without honesty, love for a partner or love for oneself. If so, this is the only way in the end.
How I wish there was a magic spell to make it easy for everyone involved.

 

The morning my divorce was final I was so happy... By the afternoon that had turned to grief.
Freedom and loss and joy and guilt all swirling around all at once! It's tough but you ARE moving forward!
(*hug*)(*hug*)

 

After being misearble for so many years in my marriage, when I came out and she immediately announced we had to divorce ASAP it came on quite overwhelming at first. But as the months have passed and we've worked out the agreements on everything and filed all the plans with the court, now that we're just a few weeks away from the hearing for a final date it's almost anticlimactic to me. There was just so much hurt over the years that despite still caring about her, the love died a long time ago. It really feels more of a relief than anything to begin moving on with my own identity and still being able to spend the same amount of time with the kids during the week.

 

You invest so much of yourself in a relationship, even more so in a marriage. Twenty five years + children with the same person - it's bound to have an impact when the papers come through. You can't just switch your feelings off like a light.

Dealing with these feelings is the hard part, but you can only do so by accepting them and letting them be for a while. You can't force the issue or move your feelings along any quicker. Give yourself permission to feel less than great about it for a bit - it's a normal response. Over time the pain will subside, but it's going to be hard right now.

 

We are meeting again with the divorce attorney today.

Thanks for sharing this, as I'm on that same path.

All the best to you in what's a tough time.

 

Very true, Tim, letting go can be so much less painful if you understand your marriage, your children and everything that went with those years, as a gift. Gratitude for what you have been able to build and gratitude for the life you still have left is all that is necessary at this point.

May you find that peace at last!

 

Honestly, I'm not sure that I would have figured this out without my wife. Or, who knows, maybe I would have?

I dunno, I can't call our 10 years of marriage a failure either, tscott. I know what you mean.

Glad you're feeling better today.