Hi new girl in forum :smilewave At the moment you could say I'm at a crossroads in my life, for the past year I have been asking myself serious questions like " am I gay" no not me surely not! But to be honest around 90% of me is pretty sure I am. I have always been a over thinker very sensitive and easily hurt. My childhood was great up to around twelve years old, I enjoyed the company of boys and girls I was very much a Tomboy, although I hated the term because I thought I was just me... and didn't understand the big deal if I hated wearing skirts! this was ok until puberty when hormones kicked in peer pressure and family breakdown all happened at the same time........so there I was a substitute mum too my seven year old sister at 14 (mum estranged from us) living with a father whom we didn't really know. Too cut a very long and winding story short I find myself trying too finally accept and love myself. After my complicated family situation causing me to shutdown emotionally. I have become tired of not liking myself treading water, blaming myself for others choices and isolating myself, wasting precious time concerning myself with what others think instead of registering my own feelings, emotions to be important. This process of self coming out has been very painful and uncomfortable after all at 40 years of age you would think i'd have it sussed by now? Part of me thinks it funny the other part is frustrated and angry at myself for not getting here sooner. Ironically my father as it happens turned out to be Gay which explains why he was so complicated and very unhappy with himself most of his life which was tragically was cut short he died from ill health not helped by the fact he was H.I.V positive. I'm wanna break the chain and be proud of who I am not an empty half person so here I stand at the precipice..............almost there.
Hello Crossroad it's an honor to read your first post. As you "stand at the precipice" we'll be there catch you. There will come a time of self love and acceptance and know that all of us support you in your struggle to break free of those chains. I look forward to your next post when you're ready.
Welcome! I came out to myself in the past year and I'm 37. Completely understand the why didn't I know earlier? It's time for a new beginning
Hi Crossroad! What a great way to honor your Dad, by being true to yourself. Sounds like you had a lot of obstacles to face, first. No sense in being hard on yourself. I bet most of us late bloomers can relate to feeling frustrated and angry for not sorting things sooner. Good luck on your path.
I think that probably I have known deep down. But to very honest I wanted The easier option ie hetero 2.4 children etc but it really has never felt emotionally fufilling for me. ---------- Post added 9th Jul 2014 at 10:43 PM ---------- P.s thanks for the warm welcome you guys
Hello Crossroad, I'm a newbie, too, and I understand how you feel. I'm sort of in the same boat, it took me even longer to figure it out. I, too, was never particularly feminine, and had family issues around puberty that confused the issue quite a bit. I totally get where you're coming from. I've spent so much time and energy trying to be normal, but I've found that now that I've admitted it to myself and read some of the experiences here I'm starting to feel a little more comfortable about it. The fact that the whole subject is much more open than when I was young helps, too. Back in the 80's, when I came of age, it was so much more hush-hush and marginalised, it's like I only knew the stereotypes, and if I didn't fit the stereotype (or didn't want to) then I must be normal, right?
Did you find that the more you tried to be 'normal' the less normal you felt and more alienated? I find since beginning to accept and meeting other people, I feel more normal than I ever did.
Yes, that's exactly how I feel. Or maybe not "normal", cause wtf is that? But ok with it. When I'm ok with it, I feel like I can deal with the world as it is, and not through this fogged out lens. Prevented me from engaging with people properly, to their detriment and mine.
It takes time to get your head around it for sure. It feels like i'm casting off a skin like a snake. It also feels to me like a grieving process, that word normal has a lot to answer for the longer I've been on the planet the more I come to realize who the f##k is normal i'm yet to meet anyone whom is, and ironically its often the one's who think their the most normal that are far from it.:icon_wink
I agree. I say 'normal' are miserable people trying to conform to what society expects. They aren't really any normal people, and really, who defines what's normal. We do, and we can change what is perceived as normal as well. Norms change, which gives us hope for the future We're in a better position now than 20 years ago
I've been questioning the definition of "normal" for years ... but it seemed much more clear-cut when I was a kid. Normal was what everyone else was. I was just an outsider looking in to a world full of happy, shiny people and wondering how I could be a part of it. With my family it was never a religious issue, they thought of it more as a mental-health problem, that having an attraction to the same sex or feeling an affinity for the non-birth gender was a mental illness. So my parents were "concerned" about me, and I used to question my sanity a lot.
It's the hardest I find accepting yourself I'm still in the Closet apart from women at at support group which I have found invaluable. I am my own worse critic, and have to accept that I'm also Prejudice as well and that's a difficult one to look inside and accept parts Of me that that I don't like, and then the big scary outside too it's so hard and people say its a choice?
