Since questioning my sexuality 4 years ago I've lost my desire for intimacy but it's gotten really stronger this past year.As a teenager I struggled to get too close with boys I'd kiss and cuddle but wasn't ready to do anything else.At 18 I met my now partner of 11 years I felt safe with him we'd hold hands kiss sometimes but it took me almost 2 years to have sex with him though we'd do other things as experiments,It took me 8 years later before I achieved my first orgasm through foreplay.Ive had similar feelings but not achieved before sex.We continued to sleep together on a regular basis by this stage we had our first child 4 years after I started getting feelings for women as a teen I accepted I was bi curious but believed it was a phase.Id get very nervous yet excited around a lesbian friend more different then that of an attractive man.I stopped having sex with my partner as I felt wrong to be doing so while I questioned my sexuality I've gone from having sex a couple times a week to once or twice a month which is bad for me.I get aroused sometimes by him and do it to get off but I feel wrong,dirty afterwards and I only do it to get off something I never do I feel like crying afterwards no idea why,I fantasies about me being him and having sex with a woman.I make him talk to me in detail about attractive women to get off.Afterwards I feel disgusted and convince him I'm not gay. I don't like being kissed,hugged touched limited to one position where I don't have to look at him.No passion whatsoever from me it really scares me because I know it's not how I should be feeling.I think I love him as I get jealous thinking of him being with someone else but I can't make myself desire him or sex in a romantic way it makes me cringe.Id like to hear others experience when questioning did you feel this way? I can't help to think it's just a matter of mind power and everything will fall into place but my mind isn't having any of that.His getting upset with my lack of love and I don't know how to fix it? But I am seeing a couples counsellor in upcoming weeks.
Yes, I did feel that way. I felt that way long before I ever questioned, but when I began questioning and then came out to myself it was much worse. I managed to avoid him from the time I began questioning until I came out to him. I had to stop shaving my legs for a bit, but desperate times... If I had given in during that time, I would have felt incredibly guilty. I kept hoping he would have an affair, at least he could get what he needed somewhere else. I thought it would be easier if he slept with someone else, and I don't think I would have been upset. Once i came out to myself, I recognized that not only did I lack sexual attraction, but also emotional/romantic attraction. I think once you begin questioning, it doesn't matter how much mind power you use, you know the answer whether you want to or not. you can try and repress and deny it, but it's still there, and you are not doing yourself any favors by ignoring it. I say this in a supportive manner. You can't take this new knowledge away from you, it can't be erased, and by continuing to deny, you're denying an important part of who you are. This is part of your identity, and mind power won't change that. it's great that you will be seeing a counsellor, hopefully that will help you get through this period. And if you have to convince him your not gay after, it probably won't come as a big shock when you do tell him. Even if he's in denial, he probably won't last long in this stage. I think once you accept who you are, you'll be ready to tell him. Just make sure to do it at your own pace.
The couples counselor seems like a good idea. Not sure what to say, but I hope you can find peace with things, either way.
I wonder if you would benefit from individual counselling too. You need to figure out what you want to get out of the couples counselling. Are you hoping to fix the relationship? Or are you looking to end it? If you don't really know the answer to that, then the couples counselling might go in a direction that is counter to what you really want. I think it's very natural to feel so torn right now. It sounds like you are more attracted to women than you are to men. And the fact that you cringe at the thought of physical intimacy with a man suggests that you're not bi, but gay. The hard part is contemplating what that means. It means that a whole lot of important things in your life need to change - like who you live with, where you live, whether you're with your child all the time, or just some of the time, etc. A lot of things will change for the better too though - how you feel about yourself, how satisfying your sex life is, how satisfying your emotional relationship with your (same sex) partner is. Change is always scary. It is natural to hold on to what you have because you know it, rather than letting go and reaching for something you don't have - even if you're pretty sure it will be better - because there's always a risk. It does sound like you've reached a point where you need to do something. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
This sounds just like me over the last few years. I like your phrase 'struggles with intimacy'. For years I thought I had lost my sex drive and avoided intimacy with my husband. I would literally cringe when he made advanves, and he could tell. Now that I have fell head over heels for another woman I know why. I don't have a low sex drive, im with the wrong gender. It explains a lot. He hasn't made advances for 7 months now and its just not mentioned. Im not ready to tell him what I now know. I miss the passion and emotional connection with another human being. The wierd thing is, up until a few years ago I would never have suspected I was gay. I kind of new things werent as they should be between us but that reason never crossed my mind. Meanwhile we just don't have any intimacy.
