So confused and alone

Keep up the hard work, it can't be easy but you'll pull through.

 

I haven't slept for six months, I constantly feel alone and scared, and worried for the future.

 

(&&&)(&&&)(&&&)

 

CyclingFan in situations like this we have to look forward and try not introspect too much. You'll drive yourself crazy.

 

Sometimes when I'm having those exhausting internal battles I have to tell myself, "You're ruminating -- stop it!" Make some tea, go for a walk, pull weeds (very therapeutic!), photograph some flowers to help calm and refocus those inner voices...

 

That is such a lot, all at once. There are tests that rate how stressful life events are, you are dealing with several of the majors all at the same time.i have not seen 'coming out' on any such test, but I would rank it as very high as well...IMHO.
I hope you will be extra gentle with yourself, and take time to breath, relax- even if it is for a moment, and remember to exercise! Your health is absolutely vital in times of stress.
Blessings to you as you navigate this difficult season.
Earnest

 

Maybe try attending a support group. Stop over thinking about things. How about trying some online dating. Remember, your life changing adventures are always outside and not inside your front door.

 

You will only have one life as this person you are right now. It's important to live it as fully as possible, and if a part of living truthfully and authentically means you have some trials to go through first, well so be it. Remain kind and patient with the one you are parting from; even if they strike out, remain grounded in your own integrity, there is strength in that. And remember that your fellow ec members are here for you if you need us, and that there are quite a few who know exactly what you are going through.

---------- Post added 14th Jul 2014 at 06:15 AM ----------

Hi richie,
I know there are reasons other than the physical for your sleep issues, but I feel I must tell you how, when I was having trouble sleeping either deeply, or even more than three hours in a row, that when I drank a good amount of properly brewed Damiana tea just before going to bed - made with the loose leaves, not tea bags - how sweetly I slept, better than I had in months. There are of course other herbs as well; Valerian works pretty well for some folks. Just wanted to share that for the benefit of all my fellow insomniacs.

 

I totally have damiana leaves but could never get the tea to work, howdo you make yours?

Also, It sounds like your going through hell, and when things get bad for me I always lean on my favorite quote... "this too shall pass"

I know it doesnt seem like much, but reminding myself of that has gotten me through many dark times.

 

hey man, i hear you on this kind of stress, take some time for you. if cycling is your stress relief make that time. everything else will still be there but you might be in a better place to deal with it. i had to do this the other week, shooting is my Zen thing so i took my air rifle out just plinking in the back yard. it did wonders for my mental balance.

 

Call in sick if you have to, but get on the bike. I was in a similar spot last week, and finally bottomed out on Wednesday night. The weight of the first 4 weeks of our separation finally hit me. So on Thursday I decided I just couldn't face a "normal" day. So I took the day off and went out for a 50 mile ride. It helped immensely. Far better than any anti-depressants I've found.

 

You know in NYC where I live, you can access the website Meetup.com, maybe you can too in your area. Just type what groups you are looking for "Biking, wine tasting, beer tasting, hiking, dinner, vegan dinner, gay, etc. and put in your zip code. You will find groups that meet regularly and you can find people to see and things to do to get outside of your head.
You need to do things to be better to yourself and to find people who share your common interests.
As for the confusion and loneliness, remember what is in your head, you will project to others. Something about "The Law of Attraction". So show your attractiveness, and who knows whom you will find.
I was my very lowest after spending months with no success at gay bars, and I had so given up to dying alone and I found someone whom I am living exclusive for the past seven months. When things are lowest, something may just happen to you, but you got to change how you feel and how you look and show someone that you are someone worth loving. You must do this--no one can do it for you. Stop being a victim, you must become a victor.

 

my dear child, change often brings a level of pain, unrest, anxiety, fear, and uncertainty. our human souls are somewhat barnacles. we tend to cling to what we know and float aimlessly until we can attach ourselves to something that seems solid, firm, certain, and unmovable. but as we grow, our environment must grow and change too at times.

think about it like this. remember when you were a kid, i'm sure you had a pair of your favorite shoes. im sure the shoes looked great, helped you run faster and were so comfortable. but as your foot started to grow, the shoes no longer fit, so ultimatley, you had to let go of those shoes and get new ones that fit your new size. it didn't mean there was anything wrong with the old shoes. it just meant you outgrew them and forcing your larger foot to fit into their smaller size would have damaged not only your foot, but the shoe itself. your larger foot would have started to burst the seams of the poor shoe.

staying with your wife would have ultimately damaged her as well. things may look bad now but ultimately, you're moving into the "new shoe" of your life and seeing how things feel. keep your head up.

 

There's no easy way to go through this. My situation has been moving along at a snail's pace at home in the 10 months since I came out to my wife, but running like a cheetah in other parts of my life, and it's confusing as hell. Sleeping in the same bed but never touching, because there's nowhere else to sleep and no money to move out; having to pry myself loose from activities of hers that I don't need to be part of, but always followed meekly along with because of a feeling of obligation; and trying to take a little time to myself and being interrogated about it or accused of "abandoning" the family. That along side of being completely out to most of my department at work; going to Pride and gay support groups and feeling at home and comfortable, finally; and trying to spend as much time as I can with the wonderful man whom I love and want a future with.

All I can tell you is, take care of yourself. The change you're going through is confusing and hard, and also good and necessary--but don't be afraid to slow down if you're feeling overwhelmed, or speed up if you're feeling frustrated and bogged down. Take time for yourself, whether it be a long bike ride or an hour walking a night, or a trip to the library. Whatever clears your head. You'll be much better equipped to help the other people in your life who might be struggling of you can keep your own head above water. Know who your friends and allies and resources are, and don't be afraid to go to them when things get rough. I'm part of a small circle of people who seem to keep passing the support baton from one to the other. Some days I'm the one being talked off the ledge; other days it might be someone else. But good people are willing to let you lean on them, because they can tell you need it, and they don't consider it an imposition.

And finally, keep your mind open for the unexpected. We may be in control of specific activities and incidents and moments as we come out and change out lives, but try to relax and keep your heart and mind open for surprises. I've been amazed by people and situations that I wasn't looking for, but have made this experience easier, better and even blindingly wonderful. Let them happen. You won't regret it.

 

I'll second the confusing part. It is exhausting sometimes trying to juggle so many different variables for my life at the moment. But, when I was living deep in the closet, I survived by so narrowly focusing my life that it was all pretty simple and straightforward. Perhaps I am just waking up to the world in a new way.