Question?

Yes to all of it. When my ex-husband and I were together, and I knew I was a lesbian, it was a constant internal battle I was fighting. I avoided him as much as I could and when I couldn't and he tried to hold hands, hug, or kiss, I would become very tense and wish he would stop touching me, but I felt so guilty I couldn't tell him. I did originally feel that questioning was interfering with how I thought I should be feeling, but once I began to accept, it made sense and it felt wrong. I knew that I had absolutely no attraction to men. It was the questioning, but letting myself feel which led to this conclusion.

 

Ive struggled with intimacy with my husband for several years, not really knowing why. Avoiding contact when I could and giving in to keep the peace when I had to. I remember lying thinking I really dont want to be doing this and not understanding why. It wasnt until I fell for a female colleague that something changed. I havent discussed anything with my husband yet but, since that time, he hasn't made any attempt to be intimate with me. Its almost as if he has sensed something has changed. Or maybe ive changed enough he knows not to try anything. Its been six months now and the last time he said i acted as if I was about to be murdered. I just froze when he touched me and he obviously got the message big style. At that time I had just accepted my feelings for my colleague and felt as if I was cheating on her even though we dont even have a relationship. I still feel the same today. I dont think I will ever be able to give in again even to keep the peace. Now we dont touch at all. No signs of affection whatsoever.

So yes, I would say questioning mode has a big impact on heterosexual relationship. Looking back, over the years, I think I was in questioning mode for a few years without realising, hence the avoiding intimacy. It wasn't until I fell head over heels for my colleague that I got the answer to the question.

The question I'm now asking is how I managed to get married and have children without questioning at all. The majority of our marriage was perfectly happy and I had no thoughts of being with a woman. I guess something changed in me, but I have no idea what or why....

 

Yes, it's rather a struggle. I don't mind if it's just a peck (it's more like just a hello kind of thing) but hate when he puts his tongue in my mouth. Hugging makes me uncomfortable as well. Speaking about sex, there were always specific things that I didn't fancy even before questioning, and it's been getting worse with time, and worsen significantly since realizing I'm gay. Lately, I've got to the point where it feels just wrong. The last time I even had to put his hand away because I couldn't stand it.

 

For a long time I just wanted to feel loved so I excepted it from my husband. Things changed for me after my first child was born. Intimacy felt forced. Chalked it up to being a new mom. Then when I wanted to have another baby it was awful. I just couldn't seem to get pregnant so I got a dog. Boom! Pregnant. Well after she was born was when I really didnt feel for him anymore. I thought it was a phase. Then I met my trigger girl and now I understand what was going on. But yes it is a struggle and has been now for a while. He just keeps trying. My lack of interest in sex doesn't matter. As long as he is getting it. I feel a bit like a "not so good word here". It makes me very sad. He just pretends nothi gis wrong even after I have spoken to him several times about how unhappy I am. So next is the big coming out talk. Its gonna be rough.

 

Intimacy was a struggle at times when I was married. I am a guy, and I knew something was wrong..I was just going through the motions. Of course sex felt good, but afterwards it was shallow, lonely, unsatisfying. My few gay encounters when I was younger were explosive, intense. I could not stop thinking about it! It's like trying to compare a firecracker to a stick of dynamite. It has taken me a long time to accept this. Is it a sexual thing? A phase? Are all men pigs? A lot of bizarre questions I would ask myself. I tried to wish it away, rationalize it away, blame my childhood, my Boy's Life magazine, my boyhood friend next door, blame Elton John, you name it...And then I decided I just could not fight it anymore. I came out last year. It's still a struggle as I am just now starting to put myself "out there"...but its an honest, truthful struggle..and that is what gives me PEACE...I am SO much more comfortable in my own skin, so happier.

 

I think you bury the battle deep deep down so you don't even know your fighting. It's there, and pops up every now and again. I could still snog my wife if she came to me.

But when I'm with my BF, I feel the butterflies and energy which makes it feel perfect.

Love is love.

 

I think the answers will be different for everyone. In my own experience I lived out most of a 19 year marriage with what I considered a "normal" level of intimacy. It wasn't until near the very end, after I began to seek (and find) emotional intimacy outside of the marriage that I realized how starved for affection and intimacy I had become. Finding someone that loved, and cared for me on a more deeper and intimate level than my wife just melted my heart. After that our hand holding, and bi-monthly sex was completely unsatisfying, and it was only a matter of time before the inevitable split.