After months of the therapy I allowed myself to feel properly. I cried a lot And then after opening all my feelings my therapist bought back something I mentioned briefly before... I called it her 'trump card' cos it beat me TRUST THAT WORD BEAT ME!!! Totally!!! I fell apart. Such a small word. But with such huge meaning!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anyways that's me!! Sick and tired of worrying what others think of him!! BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! PEACE AND LOVE TO THE FAMILY!(&&&)
It's been very hard for me to feel all these years. Whenever we feel, and show WHAT we feel, it seems like it will be wrong. It might be something that makes someone uncomfortable....something they might not want to hear....something that might tell more about ourselves than we really want anyone to know. I know I have buried so much, and it's all finally coming back to the surface. That's what we lose when we're stuck in the closet, whatever "the closet" is built of. Mine was built and furnished long before I needed it to hide my gay self in it, built from fears, and trying to please people, and avoid getting yelled at and criticized, and worrying that they wouldn't care--all that "trust" that you mentioned, Richie. Coming out is a huge risk. All those feelings start coming back, and we don't really know who we can trust throughout it all. What it boils down to, though, is learning to trust ourselves. Trust ourselves to feel, and show how we feel, and be who we are, regardless of what other people might think. We forget that we're people who matter, with feelings and thoughts. That's such an important part of our journey. Realizing we're worth it--because you are, Richie, and all of us are. And the hell with anyone who thinks otherwise. (&&&)
Hi richie felt something when I read your post. That word, 'trust'. It's a term laden with emotion for me. The intellect is such a neat and tidy place, like a geometric diagram. It is where I often retreat to, when my thoughts and feelings are painful to bear. Emotions can seem a bit more messy by comparison, not easily controlled; they can seem to take hold of me and make me feel open, vulnerable. I see them as more 'watery', like diving into a realm where things are much more fluid and unpredictable. But, it is in allowing myself to feel my emotions fully, without any self-deceit, that I feel most truly alive. Emotions are what gives life richness and depth, in my experience. In Star Trek TNG, there is the character Data, who unlike his human comrades, is unafflicted by emotions, being an android. But we don't find any of the human characters wanting to be similarly unafflicted; rather it is in the reverse - Data, on some level, also wants to be human. I'm glad to hear that you are allowing yourself to feel more fully. Glad to hear you had that realization about trust. Such a powerful and emotive word. Yes it's ok to feel our emotions. The joyful ones, as well as the difficult ones. It's a wonderful aspect, of the richness of the human experience. And if there are tears that need to flow, yes let them flow; that way, when the joyful emotions arrive, you will be able to let go more easily, and feel them also.
I'm so happy for you! And admiring. I'm struggling with trusting my emotions and motivations and it makes me so happy to hear people moving out of this scary place into one of joy. So very, very happy.
(*hug*) Congratulations on this milestone of letting down the walls and letting go (even just a little).
