Nobody ever asks me about it

You may need to bring it up first. My experience is that people walk on eggshells and only the brave ones mention it.

Some may read tense body language and deliberately talk about the weather, or a film they'd like to see.

Try it with some one.. just one at first .. and see how it goes

 

From my experiences, my best friends who are straight guys, don't know how to approach the subject. They're not gay themselves and they'd rather err on the side of caution since they don't want to offend. It's also probably because they haven't been enlightened on what it's like to come out and be gay. They're not gay themselves, so why should they be?

In other words:

It's something that they personally aren't and have never experienced, so it might be a delicate subject for them to touch base upon since they don't want to offend you. That's what I think.

 

Did you have a long, emotional and detailed conversation about coming out during the time that you were telling each of them personally?

It could be a couple of reasons. They could be walking on egg-shells like others have said, but they could also be unsure/unaware of why it's such a big deal for you.

Do they realise that coming out is a big deal and a difficult and emotional thing to do? A lot of straight people just don't understand the need to come out, the emotional release it causes, the freedom you feel, your need to talk about it etc... because they've never experienced it themselves.

To some people, hearing "I'm gay" from a friend is the equivalent of hearing "I'm left handed".
While I think that's the way it should be, it's really not the truth for you internally.
Your friends probably think they're doing you a favour by being so "accepting".

What kinds of questions do you want them to ask?

Peace! (*hug*)

 

I know the feeling. I have a handful of co-workers who regularly ask about how things are with me and my boyfriend, bless them, but for the most part, the silence is deafening. I've posted a ton of extremely gay-friendly and downright leading stuff on Facebook and no one has asked a thing (and a co-worker whom I'm out to has said that you'd have to be very dense to look at my Facebook and not realize almost instantly that I was gay). In fact, I shared the story of Apple CEO Tim Cook being outed by the media and commented that people should respect a person's privacy, but if they want to know, they should just ask directly and will surely get an answer. I thought it was mighty clear that I was telling people to ask me--but I didn't get a bite. Or even a guarded comment from the Facebook friends who already know.

As others have said, coming out isn't something that a lot of people have very direct experience with, so it's a giant unknown. They probably don't know the ground rules at all and assume that saying nothing is better than offending or hurting you. I also believe that the whole idle chitchat of how are you, how's your love life and so on--even among close friends--is so programmed in that it's largely meaningless filler that no one even thinks about it when they say it. By coming out to them, that fact gets exposed, they have to actually think about conversation, and they're not at all sure how to handle it.

It sucks that this becomes your responsibility, since you have enough on your mind from just going through it, but you really need to train your friends what you're willing to discuss and where the limits are. They probably have no idea. If you bring it up in a casual way, it will signal to them that you're OK with discussing it--even enthusiastic! After all, this is new to you too, and you need to explore where your OWN comfort zone is for discussion. They are likely not the only ones who are still figuring out where the limits are--you may find yourself figuring them out as well.

 

I find this thread very interesting as I too have sensed the "walking on egg shells" syndrome with friends and family. I understand it may be hard to talk about it. But, I think we should be the ones to break the ice and softly steer the conversations onto the subject. When we make ourselves vulnerable, I find people reciprocate and wonderful conversations and friendships grow and bonds are strengthened.

 

I completely agree with this.

During the early years of our marriage, my ex's cousin came out as a lesbian. When she came by for a visit, she openly talked about dating a "hot" girl. I felt that twinge of discomfort right away, it felt strange and way outside our comfort zone. We didn't know how to move the conversation forward. It was more comfortable to quickly change the subject. In retrospect, I probably know how she felt...

So yes, if they won't talk about it, you will have to and you will need to judge the right time and place. Don't do it to fish for a response or to be provocative, talk about it to express what it is you are going through because you need to express it to someone who will listen. If this is done often enough, I suspect the listener, after learning a whole bunch of things from you, will find the words to respond, either with questions or reassurances, or maybe even a little wisdom.

It may help to begin your conversation with the following statement: "I feel that what I am about to say may make you a little uncomfortable, so please feel free to interrupt if you would rather not discuss it. I'm sharing this with you because I really trust you and I just need to talk about it."

 

Re-read what you wrote yourself:

Do you think that is exactly what your friends are thinking as well? If you're uncomfortable bringing it up, and it's about you, how do you think they feel about it?

I had the same experience. I had to bring it up again 3 or 4 months after I came out to my parents, because nothing was said of it again. Come up with a way of bringing it up - even if it's to talk about this great web site, or a gay social event that you're going to.

 

I had this issue with my parents. They would ask about my social life and I would say something like "Oh, it's just fine." Other times there would just be a silence since I couldn't tell them I went out clubbing with my gay friends.

After I came out they wouldn't ask anymore. I think my mom was afraid of what the answer would be. Dad was more accepting. He just said what you do is your own business. We don't get into personal issues much these days.:dry:

 

In my situation, at least with family, I get teased, in a kind way. At work, when asked about my plans for the weekend I flat out tell them that I'm going to visit my girlfriend (if I'm planning on doing that). My co-workers have found out, slowly but surely, that I am a lesbian. It is no biggie any more. As for friends, especially long distance ones, they all found out through facebook. Lol. I, like you, post all sorts of stuff LGBT. If they want to know anything, they'll ask. Try not to be too hard on yourself. When your coming out is a well known thing, it will fade into the background of who you are.

 

Hey JNR

A very interesting topic that I can relate to. When I was/am in the closet I always dreaded the question about my personal life. i.e. are you seeing anyone, how are you feeling etc. Now that I'm out to some, like you said, I would like someone to ask how it's going. I agree with what people are saying here that it takes time, I think. I'm lucky and one of my friend/coworker is really good. When we go out for lunch she asks "what was it like growing up in a small town as gay" etc. when we are talking about high school. Not making it the main topic but acknowledging it as well.

I agree with everyone else that it is up to us to make it easier for others. I really just think they don't know what to say so they say nothing. I know for myself years of avoiding topics makes it a tough habit to break. My manager has began to laugh at me because Monday when she asks what I did the answer always is "Nothing to much, just took it easy". I think just being more honest and talking about guys or gay events you went to in the conversation instead of making it the topic of the conversation will be key in showing friends/family that is okay to discuss and talk about and not make anyone too uncomfortable.

 

Hi,

Keep in mind the average straight person only knows the exaggerated stereotypes depicted in the media real and fictional. They have no clue you are exactly like them. Only you can tear down the wall and eliminate their confusion.

Tom