The plague that pursues me…

I'm so sorry you had to endure in such a hard life.There is abosoluty nothing wrong with you to endure what you have.None of this is your fault.I would highly recommend you to start working with a counsellor someone you can talk to about your past so you can reconnect with your inner child and help you to love you as a Beautiful person that you are.I too have some things in my past that are affecting me still to this day I have a lot of distrust in myself and so much self doubt something my counsellor is starting to work on with me.So there is hope perhaps you could join a social group even if it's online.The right person will come along but for now you must take care of your needs we have to learn to love ourselves as whole.Surround yourself with people and things that make YOU feel good.Keep posting here release your feelings.Sending you strength Light and Love

 

Quietman there is no doubt that your experiences early in life were traumatic. But when I read your post I see such strength and resilience, intelligence and passion. The ability to keep getting up is not shared by all of us, I wish you could see yourself more positively hopefully in time you will.

 

I have similar fears as you do. There's a little girl inside me that is often afraid she will never be loved and alone forever. When I feel so bad and lonely and stupid and lower than everyone else, suicide seems like the best solution. Sometimes I plan it but so far I have always backed out of it. Realizing I am gay has funnily helped me in learning to love and accept myself. (I say funnily because for the longest time it would have been the thing to really put me over the edge)

When I was around five, my mother had to be hospitalized a few times during one year and I stayed at my uncle and aunt's house where I was abused. Fortunately she recovered and I didn't have to live with them again but I have been afraid to be sent back there for a terrible long time. This has resulted in extreme perfectionism and fear of failing which is hopelessly interfering with my studies right now, (as it makes me paralyzed and I can hardly do anything at all as I feel every decision is one of life and death.) I had to keep my mum happy and make sure she didn't fall back (or commit suicide as she often threathened us with) and my dad instilled this too. When he was at work, I had to keep her happy or she would becoming sick again, far too big a responsibilty for a young child. My parents didn't have any help themselves and were doing the best they could and knew how, I know this now, but still resent some of my childhood as it made me so fearful and always on my guard against another blow.

I'm glad you're feeling better some of the time. I just want to say that you are not alone. Having been abandoned in childhood is a really big thing and creates all sorts of trust issues. When the world is unsafe as a child, it remains so, for far too long. It's like (for me anyway) there is a disconnect between your emotions and your rational thoughts: you know you are safe now, but you don't feel it: you know people can't hurt you anymore like they did, but you don't feel it.

I hope you will feel better in time with all the changes in your life and wish you the best!

 

Hi quietman,

I don't know what it is like for folks who grew up in a normal, loving household with parents who weren't either alcoholic or a bit unbalanced, but entire swathes of my childhood, I cannot recall, or maybe I just don't want to.

I can't relate to being adopted out etc, but boy can I relate to being the outsider at school, from the first day of high school to the very last. I was so relieved when I knew I would never have to set foot in one of those places again. *ugh*.

Good to hear that you are getting 'the whole deal' of counselling, divorce (not pleasant, but needs to happen sometimes), etc. About whether there is a chance for you to fulfill some of the better things in life, such as a relationship with a guy, well I think you must know the answer is 'yes'. Of course it is harder for us older folks, and I know you are senior to myself also, but look at it this way: we're not alone, right? There would have to be other guys around you could relate to, get to know, at the very least strike up a friendship, or perhaps even more. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, as the saying goes. Ah, but that involves risk. Taking risks is something I am trying to do more of myself. We need to be willing to fail sometimes, yes willing to take the risk of getting hurt sometimes, to place ourselves in a position where we might just succeed. I can relate so much to this. I have either as much or even less experience with gay relationships than yourself, but I'm planning to first make friends with a guy I have things in common with (who I know is gay or bi), and just see where the friendship leads. There must be gay meetup groups in your area, yes? I know we have them in my city. Just take it in small steps: get to know a few people, strike up a friendship.

The impression I get from you is that your life experiences, while very difficult, have not closed you off or made you cynical or bitter. Yes dare to dream, even now, even later in life! Why not? Either we succeed, or we fail, but unless we allow ourselves the possibility of success, there is no chance of it.
(*hug*)
Damien

 

Dear Quietman,
Thank you for sharing your story.
You are beautiful. And strong. And courageous. And loveable. And worthy. And able to love.
You are not alone.
Peace be with you my friend.

 

Having been abandoned myself, I know how you feel, it's such a huge fear.

How can you trust anyone ever!? I'm having these questions running through my mind all the time,

Pleasing everyone so they won't leave.

I've realised I dint trust anyone. Such a lonely place to be.

If you break a mirror and put it back together you will always see the cracks.

I strongly recommend you seek therapy if you haven't already and invest in it. It's very painful and draining and I'm not there yet but hopefully one day.

Lean on us when you need too!! We are family!

Peace!

 

Yeeeees...
This is going to look like something one of my daughters would post, but as I'm beyond caring about being a stereotypical male, guess it won't matter if I do :icon_bigg A spell for good fortune from my virtual wizard's wand:

*DREAM*
*BELIEVE*
*ACHIEVE*

Damien

 

First of all I want to hug you. (*hug*)

Then I will share what I see on Google today, said by Nelson Mandela.

“The greatest glory in living
lies not in never falling,
but in rising every time we fall.”


Your past cannot be changed. What you can change is yourself starting by today so you can have better future you always wanted.

 

quietman, I did not know anything of your past, but I find you to be a wonderful, thoughtful, caring man. I enjoy reading your posts because they are heart felt, sincere and very helpful. It's a long journey, especially for us older gents. I admire you. Now, live, laugh and love...

 

Quietman702, I find your story so inspirational! From your story I can definitely tell that you are a very strong and courageous person. Remember that the darkest hour is just before midnight, so don't give up now! (!)

 

Oh, but you are!

Look at what you have endured and survived.. sure, it's been a long and arduous journey and I can only try to imagine the hurt and pain, but you are here sharing your story, providing inspiration and support to others. If that doesn't demonstrate a level of strength and courage, I don't know what does.

It's quite humbling.

 

Dear quietman,

Your story is heartbreaking but a real testament to the human spirit. That you are taking steps to fight for your own happiness is heroic and worth the effort!

Fear is not the enemy. Fear, when properly considered, is there to protect you. Fear becomes a problem when you lose sight of the things you are gaining. The changes you are going through seem overwhelming, and often in these situations one tends to fall back on old patterns of thought and old patterns of primal fear, strong enough to overwhelm any rational considerations.

You are stronger than you think, wiser than most, and courageous above all else. No need to be afraid of your fear, it is simply a natural outcome of the necessary steps you are taking on the road to liberation! Acknowledge your fears, then step aside, as it were, you have exciting things to look forward to!

 

Congratulations....many people , dealt your hand in life, would not have made it this far, or would have allowed it to make them bitter. You give love and support to people on here. You're a good man. I wish you all the best for your continuing journey... and my, how far you have come already ( even if it may not always seem that way to you). Hugs

 

Your welcome Quietman702. You are very courageous, I think this quote summarizes the strength of spirit you continue to show to this day. The fact that every time you got knocked down you didn't stay down but got back up even though you knew you'd be knocked down again speaks volumes to your character!

"One of the few memories that I vividly remember from that time was getting knocked down on the playground by older boys in the snow. Each time I got up I got knocked down again until someone noticed and stopped it.'

 

I think that happiness is so hard to find because if you've gone through enough, it's really not something outside that you're striving for. It's locked deep in your heart along with the trust in people, and confidence in yourself, and it feels like that final shred of our humanity that must be guarded at all costs. We all have the seeds of happiness and trust and confidence deep within us, but we're afraid that if we let it out, someone will push it down in the snow over and over, stepping on it and laughing at the attempts to get up again and again. I know I've felt that many times, and even when things appear to be wonderful, I get that nagging fear of "what if" that dampens the joy. It's a constant struggle, although once you realize it's in there, it's easier to fight. But now you're not fighting playground bullies. You're fighting your own survival instincts that say "Don't trust. Don't be happy. Don't believe in yourself. It won't last and you'll be worse of off than before."

And while I've never had images of my own death, I can understand the feeling that there's just too much to deal with. (Truth be told, while I never have been suicidal, as a teen I often fantasized about getting the birth certificate of a kid my age who had died, using it to get a social security card, and leaving my car near a bluff and making it LOOK like I had jumped, while I moved on to a new life. All that drama, and I still didn't think I was gay??? :roflmao

I think that accepting that we're gay, at long last, can be the key to unlocking all that well-protected good in us. Not like this experience is easy--not at all. God knows if my hair wasn't all gray before this, it would be now! But being able to accept ourselves can be the trigger that finally allows us to consider how we could be happy, and what was keeping us from trusting others, and what was holding back our self-confidence. I was the toughest nut that I had to crack. If I could accept myself as gay and start working on a better existence, than damn near anyone else could accept me as well!

We all have far more strength than we give ourselves credit for. Holding all this emotion in for decades is exhausting, back-breaking work. Letting it out takes a huge load off.