I'm 56, female, and I've always identified as straight. Brief bio: I was married for twenty-five years, then my husband died twelve years ago. I didn't date for seven years; when I did, I ended up marrying a much younger man (28 years my junior.) After four years, that marriage ended amiably. I've started dating again, but I'm not really enjoying the company of men. I've been *noticing* women, wishing I could hang out with/date them. Is it possible for preference to change later in life? Is it OK to explore this, or would that be disrespectful to others? As you can tell, I'm very confused. I'm not even sure what questions to ask this forum - or myself. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. PS: Forgive me if this is the wrong forum. I wasn't sure if I should be in the 'older' forum or the 'questioning' one.
Pilgrim, Most of the stories you hear about realization were during puberty. Which makes sense, but a similar thing seems to be happening to me where if it is there, it wasn't so obvious. I'm beginning to believe it is possible, and I've also learned on here that the only way to know for sure is to try it.
Check out "Sexual Fluidity" by Lisa M Diamond. It's all about female sexuality and how orientation can change throughout a woman's life. There are a lot out there who'll swear blind the only way to be a true lesbian/bisexual is if you knew it from a young age, or that you must have been in deep denial. That may be the case for some, but not necessarily everyone, and Lisa Diamond has sound research to back that up. The more you explore it, it may just be a simple curiosity, or it might be somewhere you feel more comfortable where you are at now. Everyone is different. My story: growing up, emotional crushes on effeminate boys/guys, interspersed with intense physical attractions/fascination with girls/women which I just didn't know how to process. Realising I wasn't quite straight, ignoring it trying to forge straight relationships which never felt quite right and "forced". Now, feel a lot more liberated pursuing women, like I have found 'home'. Never say never to another man, but right now not interested in the slightest in them (the idea of being with a man now is "yuck!!!!"). Basking in the freedom of being able to date women, and have been seeing one woman for the past three months which for the most part is going very well!
Hi Pilgrim, and welcome to the Forum I can't speak for others, but I spent 25 years believing I was exclusively straight. Then, only a few months ago, I sort of 'allowed' myself to fantasize about guys as well as girls. That was all: 'allowed'. And from there, began a journey which continues to this day. I suspect that what had happened, was that this desire had always kind of been there, lying under the surface so to speak, but due to social conditioning and religious mores, I had brutally suppressed it, to the point that I was hardly even aware of it's presence. Then, when I consciously let go of the shame around it, it came flooding into my life. I now think I am either bisexual or gay, but 'straight' I am not. As for whether it would be disrespectful to others to explore it, well of course not...I mean, you just have to say you are 'curious, but not sure', right? Nothing wrong with that.
It's ok to explore if you don't try how will you know? Maybe go in a date with a woman and see where it takes you?
For me it wasnt my "preference" that changed, I just was never really into the men that I dated. It was the expectation that everyone is straight so I must be straight too. The possibility that I was gay was never even on the table. My suggestions are to just allow yourself to feel your feelings. You dont really need to DO anything with women to know if youre attracted to the same sex. Is there any situation in your past that you can think of where you questioned "am I gay??". For me, I always knew on some level but dismissed it. My parents (mother in particular) often dropped hints that it would be unacceptable to be a lesbian. I loved my mom... she was everything to me so for me part of it was not wanting to disappoint her. I'd also recommend not allowing anyone to pressure you... this is your journey. Take as much or as little time that you need, and dont ever feel like you MUST make a decision about anything or more importantly that you MUST categorize yourself. ---------- Post added 17th Jul 2014 at 05:52 AM ---------- By the way, the primary reason I would not recommend dating is that you may or may not have a good experience with *that* woman which might cloud things for you, if that makes any sense. The main reason I say this is that *I personally* am not all that attracted to a wide spectrum of women. If I dated to "try it out" I may have been turned off forever. I just wanted to sit with myself with the idea of attraction. I did (and still do) have someone in my life that caused me to start questioning, but I tried to focus more on my feelings than that specific person... not sure if I'm making sense here... please ask if clarification is needed and I will do my best
Thanks for the input, everyone. Melanie, the point about not being pressured is a salient one. What brought the whole question into the open for me was a recent date (with a man) where his parting hug was...too suggestive for my comfort (and included multiple kiss attempts. Ah, no.) My reaction to his (really, fairly mild) attempt at intimacy was utter repulsion. It provided food for thought as I drove home, because even though I'm a very sexual person, I've NEVER been interested in intimate contact (even a wriggling hug) with a man I don't know. It's always felt like an acquired taste. I ran through my head my easy intimacy with my women friends - hugs, kisses, etc - and wondered, why the difference? PurpleFrog and Damien made good points. Has there been an undercurrent of same-sex interest - perhaps suppressed? In my childhood, I was very sexually curious, and most opportunities for exploration came with my female friends. That stopped abruptly in middle school when I realized it was 'aberrant' behaviour. I hadn't thought about those early explorations until now. My first love affair was a female friend. We were never sexual, but we were inseparable, sharing a single bed and every waking hour for two years. When we parted for college, we wrote long tomes to one another, sharing every moment, every thought. Even after we were both married, the strongest relationship was each other. I told her, "I wish you were a man. I'd marry you in a heartbeat." She replied, "I wish I was a man, too. I'd marry you in a heartbeat." I remember another conversation with her. We talked about how irrational men are (no offense meant to the men on this forum - I'm just recounting girl talk) and how difficult they are to understand and live with. She said, "It would just be so much easier if we were lesbian. We could live with a rational human being." I replied, "Yes, but we have the misfortune to think men are CUTE. We DESERVE them." And we laughed. I remember the drunken exploration with another female friend after a Grateful Dead concert. We were terribly drunk. Both married and in our thirties. We never mentioned the incident the next day - or any other. It appears, upon reflection, that perhaps my extreme straightness (yes, that's how I've described myself) is a misperception on my part? I don't know. I apologize for publickly airing all these memories and thoughts. I feel like a participant on one of those afternoon shock shows. But I have no other venue to talk and receive input. Thank you for your forbearance.
I always thought I was straight. Wasn't until I developed a crush on a woman that I began to question and as Damien stated 'allowed' myself think about women. When I did that I realized I thought about them a lot and also realized that everytime I did, or I had any thoughts about them, I instantly tried to repress them. Once I realized I did that, I noticed it was something that occurred regularly. And so the process began.
I second this. It took one experience for me to notice what I was really doing and what my feelings really were.
I would have written exactly the same thing as you, Damien. I think is gotten so good at suppressing it that it hadn't come up very much or very expressly in quite a while. But then it did, and instead of cramming it down immediately, this time I said to myself "huh, that's interesting". "Flooding into my life" is an apt description, as it's overwhelmed so much, so swiftly, so forcefully.
"Allowing myself." That's an interesting thought. Thank you for the advice. I will spend time just sitting in this, allowing myself thoughts and feelings, and see what they truly are. I have no idea how one would find a female partner, in any case. I notice they do not flock to online dating sites.
Actually they do! Just clique woman when the dating site asks "I'm a woman seeking a...." There are also lesbian dating sites.
