I'm having great difficulty desiring my male Partner of 11 years emotionally and pysically in fact I can't even imagine being romantically with any man.I just can't see them as potential lovers more as Protectors.But when I lie awake at night thinking about certain women I find attractive inside and out I can imagine being intimate with them but yet I struggle to do anything intimate even as simple as holding hands makes me feel weird.I only started getting like this since questioning myself 4 years ago now I can't un question it all away.I would be out talking to an attractive woman shop keeper and think about what it would be like to kiss her the thought is appealing I don't even bother thinking about it with a man as I feel I already know that I don't like it.Is all this enough to answer my questioning? Or do I need harder evidence to myself?
Here is a twist on your question, everything, in a very real sense is imagined! Everything you see hear and feel is imagined, it is a reflection in your mind, based on your sense perceptions, yes, but in reality it is recreated in your mind. If you do not believe something, you will simply not see it, despite what your senses are telling you, but your mind, your psyche is bringing forth images, thoughts, dreams and desires because somewhere deep inside of you, there is someone unknown to your conscious self struggling to break free. Its only way of communicating with you is through images. Imagination is "true" in the deepest possible way. It is hard-enough evidence if you value it enough.
I think imagination allows us to explore options we might not *truly* explore in real life - as well as some we definitely might. That's the beauty of imagination - it's a safe testing ground. Like you I've been questioning lately. I've identified as straight all my life. I recently divorced, and I'm finding that I'm not enjoying the company of men. At all. What-what-WHAT? So I found this site and asked a question similar to yours. Advice given me was to allow myself to feel what I feel, and see what that is. To sit and ponder. To feel free to explore. I understand the latter may not feel like an option if you're married. Regardless of your inclinations, a marriage where you are neither emotionally nor physically close to your partner is a marriage with deep issues. It needs to be addressed on its own merits. IMHO.
Hi, you don't have to 'prove' anything to yourself either way. I mean, whether you have attraction to women or not, either way it is ok in any case, so relax, that's what I mean. But regarding your questioning, well I think that the responses you are having in interactions like you describe above, indicate that there is something going on there. I can actually relate to the shopping bit. I find myself trying to act calm and 'nonchalant, offhand' when there's a gorgeous guy serving me now, I can hardly believe it...because I feel attracted and I am trying not to reveal it to everybody.
Maybe just use the feeling of joy as beacon... what truly brings you joy and fulfills your heart. Our fantasies make us open towards something... maybe something little first.. if we act on that often further things appear... and the end result is often not exactly what we imagined but the core of it... and often more beautiful than imagined. Sometimes we have to conquer fears to get there. This is also why not getting too obsessed i.e.with someone you deep in your heart know is not meant to be... you know what i mean... like the beautiful one in a happy relationship... everyone gets their piece of the cake in due time . Just keep on going... And maybe play it fair for everyone...
