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Came out to my wife today

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Cigitab, Jul 19, 2014.

  1. Cigitab

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    I came out to my wife today. I think this may be the worst day of my life so far. Knowing that I was not truthful and our life together was partially based on dishonesty is hurting so much right now.
     
  2. paris

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    (*hug*)
     
  3. Samantha2014

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    Hey Cigitab

    Hang in there, I hope things become easier soon
    Hugs (*hug*)
    Samantha
     
  4. Yossarian

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    Were you really dishonest, or did you just not understand, or were in denial that you were gay when you got married? There is a difference.
     
  5. HTBO

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    It is a horrible feeling when you have to tell your spouse and the guilt is unreal. I completely understand. It will get better, this is the beginning of your journey to discover who you really are and to live the life you should have been living. Try not to be too hard on yourself, nothing is black and white.
    You did today one of the most difficult things to do and something you probably never thought you would need to do. You are also experiencing a loss of what you thought your life was and what you expected it to be, and that has all changed. You are a good person and I'm sure you never intended to hurt anyone, so try to be good to yourself and stay strong.
     
  6. Cigitab

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    Maybe dishonest is a strong word, but where I find myself today is a direct result of not dealing with and understanding who I really am. It allowed me to construct a personality that is not real.
     
  7. HTBO

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    I'm the same way. My closet was so deep that I truly believed I was straight. And the guilt I experience now for not knowing and marrying my ex-husband is great. But I can't go back and change that, all I can do is try to move ahead and put the pieces of who I really am together.
     
  8. Mirko

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    Hi there, and welcome to Empty Closets. It has taken tremendous courage to come out to your wife. If you can, try not to lose sight of that. :slight_smile:

    I wouldn't describe having lived your life dishonestly. There are reasons as to why you didn't come to understand your sexual orientation earlier. Some of them could be as simple as that you weren't really aware of it, and that it took a while for it to make itself known. Sometimes, we go through life, going about our daily routines and live life the way we feel is right at that moment. It is enough for one unexpected thing to happen (say for example crossing path with somebody and starting to feel an attraction or experience deeper thoughts we have never had until this point), and it turns our world upside down.

    There could also be other reasons, including your own upbringing, societal pressures that helped to keep your true self hidden for a long time. A while ago I met an elderly person, in his late 60s/early 70s, who only recently came out as being gay. He was married and didn't think about the possibility of being gay; that is until he met somebody and realized something is going on.

    It is understandable as to why you are feeling the way you do, but know that your sexual orientation, has nothing to do with your personality. There is a reason why you married your wife. In some ways you are grieving the life you have built with your wife, which has come to an end. At the same time, you are allowing yourself and others to learn more about you, which can only enhance your life, as well as your relationships with others, and that you are going to be building the future. (*hug*)
     
  9. Hartofgold

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    hang in there!
     
  10. Cigitab

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    Thank you all so much for your thoughtful replies. So far my wife has been very accepting, which I didn't expect. She told me she already knew. I am still hurting a lot for having put her through this, but I was definately expecting a much worse reaction.
     
  11. BeingEarnest

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    My heart goes out to you and your wife. This is a hard experience, and it is just unfolding. At this point, blame isn't helpful (not sure it ever is) but you are acknowledging reality,and stepping towards the truth- whatever that may be for you and your wife.

    There is no way around it, it is painful. It just is.
    But pain is only a part of it, and it is a part of life. I hope the road you have stepped on leads to life-new life, and hope.
    Sending hugs...
     
  12. Mirko

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    It is fantastic that your wife is accepting. It sounds like that your wife will continue to be your best friend and will be somebody that you can trust. It is easier said than done, but try not to be too hard on yourself. She has already forgiven you, and from the sounds of it, is ready to continue to be there for you, albeit in a different role. If she has already figured it out that you are not straight but still stood by you, that in itself says a lot. That in itself shows the great friend you have in her.

    It's going to be hard to figure all the next steps out, and to start going your separate ways, but continuing to support her, and her supporting you, is going to make things so much easier on the both of you. (*hug*)
     
  13. Jim1454

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    Congratulations on coming out. I've been there and done that, and yes - it was one of the worst days of my life as well. The good news is, you're through it.

    We all take the path that we do for good reasons. For those of us who figure this out and come out later in life, I think it's because we couldn't handle doing it earlier - for one reason or another. It sounds like your wife is being understanding - as was mine. I tend to believe that she was meant to help me through this part of my life. We have two beautiful little girls together, which is another reason for us to have been together for the time that we were.

    So hang in there. Keep talking with your wife. There will be more difficult days ahead, but we're here to talk to and to help you through them. Counselling - for you, your wife, and both of you as a couple - would be something to look into right now. It would likely help you both through the next little while.
     
  14. marriedover50

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    Cigitab,

    You have my respect and admiration. I am 53 and married 24 years. I just came out to myself this spring. I have come out to myself, my spiritual guide, and one other old friend from college days. I am moving towards coming out to my wife too.

    As I have read more and more here on EC, I am aware that your journey seems pretty common. I hope and pray that you can hold on through the darkness around you and that you will one day soon see a better light.

    Fondly and with great respect,

    Josh
     
  15. Damien

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    Hi Cigitab,

    well then from now, things can only get better; look at it that way. There are days like this, when all feels pretty hopeless, but like all bad days, you know it will pass eventually. Sometimes integrity demands of us to do something that is difficult and stressful, and you have had the courage to do that. Despite any regrets you may have about the past, the fact that you have now been so honest about it, is still something positive. You've done the right thing, not the easy thing (which would have been to simply keep the truth hidden for even longer).

    Do you have anyone you can talk with in person about what you are going through? Someone like a counsellor, perhaps. Of course you can always come here for support, but it might also help to have someone 'in real life' so to speak, to sound things out with, because things can get challenging sometimes as folks undertake this journey. Take extra good care of yourself now,
    Damien. *hug*
     
  16. Cigitab

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    I have a great therapist who has been instrumental in getting me to this point. My wife and I had a long conversation tonight, probably the most open talk we have had in years. We are trying to figure out how to break this to our teenage children. It amazes me that my wife is taking this as well as she is. I am still a nervous wreck.
    Thanks again everyone for your kind thoughts and support.
     
  17. tx duke

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    Cigitab - I don't log on much because my "coming out" had kinda hit a stand-still - and I am still trying to deal with things in my head. But I want you to know I think you are a very brave person. I am almost right where you are in your journey. I am seeing a therapist too, and tomorrow (well, today I guess.....just later on today :wink: ) is the day I come out to my wife. I am so nervous about it. I have come out to my parents....but that is all.

    I want you to know that I am thinking of you right now. I will be watching your posts as they come thru, and responding with anything I might can offer. I am probably no help to you right now other than saying I know where you are - and will know much more definitly tomorrow than I do today. My stomach turns as I am typing all of this. My counselor did encourage me to write everything out in a letter so I could give it to her just in case things went very badly after talking with her. I just finished that up about a 30 minutes ago. I hope your wife continues to be accepting of you and that you two can take it all one step at a time. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
     
  18. laddie

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    Cigitab, you are in my thoughts and prayers. Any support you have is a wonderful gift. I'm glad for you that it comes from your wife. Things will get better one day at a time.(*hug*)
     
  19. Richie.

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    Wow! Have very very very brave !!! I came out to my wife seven months ago, and know very well how you'll be feeling right now..

    Message me anytime, and know your not the first people have been where you are and made it through, I'm not gonna lie, it's tough, but A) you have already shown so much courage by coming out B) YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

    Take one day at a time and be kind to yourself.

    It gets better

    Peace and love
     
  20. Cigitab

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    Hi tx_duke! I have gotten a lot of inspiration from reading your previous posts. I have to say that I didn't really plan this in much advance (writing a letter, etc). I reached a point on Friday where I couldn't hold these two parts of my personality apart. I had to close the circle in my mind between what I know inside and how I live on the outside. The fear of what would happen when I told her was becoming unbearable. I couldn't stand to live in fear anymore, so I had to find out what would happen and hope I had the strength to take it. When it came to the moment, I was so scared I thought my heart would stop.

    We are still very much in the midst of this process, but I feel like whatever comes next, just saying the words pushed me through the hardest part.

    Remember, you are much stronger than you think you are. I wish you the best today.