Building a closet

Welcome back to EC!

I also tended to kick the "whole gay thing" into the background for years due to various circumstances in my life.

I've also had trouble meeting LGBT people in the real world, although in my case I'm having trouble finding places to meet them.

 

Hi Likethewind, welcome back to EC!

If anyone damages a relationship as an outcome of your coming out, rest assured it wasn't you who did the damage.

Coming out, for many, means starting all over again, and there's nothing wrong with that. Your past will always be there, the friends and connections you have made may last and may not, but holding on to the fear of losing them is a very big plank that forms part of your closet...

 

its worth it dude, i might be A LOT younger than you but i was like you, afraid to come out, to me thinking people would hate me and/or leave me but once i came out earlier this September i have felt better, more able to talk with friends plus i changed my dad's views on gay people, so give it a shot its very freeing

 

Your friend did indeed tell you something true, but it is incomplete. The other side of the coin is the value of the thing you are paying for...

 

Welcome back to EC! I've been thinking the same thing as you about why come out if you don't meet anyone anyway. Even guys 50 years ago who weren't exactly out and were under the oppression of that time met other guys serendipitously and fell in love, but that's not the kind of luck I have. Hopefully you will. That's pretty much where I've been for the past several years. Sometimes I think I should come out to family with the hope to make it easier for younger relatives to come out. They'd know at least I'd support them even if the religious family members rejected them. Sounds like a noble idea, but they're all quickly growing up and I haven't done anything. I'm not a good example to look to, but there are lots of really good people here for your inspiration. I hope you find your way to what you want or at least some contentment with the good things you do have going for you.

 

Hello and welcome, fellow traveller.

 

likethewind, Welcome back! What I have learned is this is a very long journey. There are good days and bad. Doubts and misgivings. It's a roller coaster...but most importantly, don't give up. You have taken the first steps. Be patient and kind. Seek support here. It has helped me a lot!

 

It's good that you came back likethewind, it's a pleasure to meet you. I'm a 50+ man trying to find my place as well.

You said "I suppose my greatest fear is that I don't want to damage existing relationships by coming out — especially if I'm not going to meet a partner." I struggled with the first part of your statement a lot, for me I came to the place where I just couldn't bear hiding it anymore and came out to them. I knew that some would go but most are still friends, again that is what was right for me. Can you help me understand what you mean "if I'm not going to meet a partner". I'm not challenging you rather I value what you have to say and want to understand.

Again welcome back.

 

Quite serendipitous I should find this thread so soon after joining this board! Add me to the list of 50+ men finding their way. I'm reading this with great interest, particularly because I seem to have much in common with likethewind. Like you, other health concerns put this exploration on hold for a long time. Unlike you, I haven't yet started actual explorations, but I feel about ready to do so. Thank you likethewind for starting the thread and thank you to everyone adding their ideas!

 

Glad to hear that you've found some of the posts helpful.... and welcome back. I found your image of building a closet very interesting. In hindsight, I certainly built mine.... not very well though, while I wouldn't peek outside I am pretty sure that everyone knew I was in there.

Everyone's coming out is an individual process, to be done in your own time, so don't feel that you have to justify to anyone ( even yourself) where you are in the process. Having said that, I hope that you start to feel more comfortable in yourself so that you feel ready to go further

 

Hi,

What a cool euphemism we use; closeted, building a closet...

We are building prisons, we are building gas chambers where our happiness is on death row, in solitary confinement awaiting for a last minute call from the governor to stay the execution. That is the reality.

I am not picking on you, the absurdity of "closeted" simply struck home while reading your post.

Since coming out my life is not perfect, but I am content. As they say "enough is as good as a feast". I hope to find a partner one day and that is when "enough" becomes a banquet.

Best of luck.

Tom

---------- Post added 21st Jul 2014 at 04:37 AM ----------

Hi,

I cannot speak for manwithnoname7 but finding a partner is a numbers game pure and simple.

I find most all of gay men I deem as "stable" have withdrawn from the gay scene. They are not interested (tired of) in the drama, or the emotional hurt of; hookups, open relations, and serial monogamy.

Any venue that carries the "gay" label soon becomes swamped with gays simply seeking sex who will say anything to get it, pretend to be anything to get it. (My experience, my opinion).

So "stable" people withdraw and it becomes a numbers game of meeting somebody organically in your circle of life, or through your network of trusted gay friends who understand what you are looking for.

I am prepared to both find a partner and not find a partner, as it is a simple numbers game.

At my age the stable ones are partnered or live quiet lives outside the gay scene. This just makes the organic/network meeting more unlikely.

Add to that people saying; I want a bear, I want a twink, I want (you name physical characteristic), and the pool shrinks more.

That is my opinion.

Tom

 

Hi, and welcome back!

My personal closet was built out of my own hyper-sensitivity to harshness and criticism, and the materials were supplied by damaged and unhappy parents. It really had little or nothing to do with being gay, but it was a safe and familiar place to hide once that part of me started making its appearance as well.

I've honestly been downright shocked at the amount of support and kindness I've received since I started coming out to people. I've held off with some people who I suspect may be less so--for instance, an organist friend in her 70's who I'm very close to, but I suspect strongly that my being gay would be very hard for her to process and accept. I know I will tell her eventually, but it won't be easy, and she is one of the few people in the category of "friends I might risk losing who I couldn't justify by saying 'then they weren't a real friend anyhow'".

It worked well for me to approach this as a journey towards honesty about myself and integrity about how I was going to live my life. I've had the added complications of a wife and kids, and I'm still working on resolving that in a kind and loving way for all concerned (although I'm realizing at last that I have to balance that with being kind and loving toward myself). But I didn't come out to find a partner, or to completely change my entire life. I did it to stop hiding who I was. Not to flaunt being gay to the world, or to dive headlong into the "gay community", but to eventually let the world know about a part of me that I'd kept hidden my whole adult life. And being open in general has been a much more significant trigger for improvement in my life than anything else. Being more authentic and real--even among people who don't yet know I'm gay--has made my life better on many levels. I'm perceived as friendlier, I'm more interested in life, and I'm getting reacquainted with interests I had buried years ago and am meeting people as a result. Those are all things that will open you up to deeper friendships (gay AND straight--after all, an awesome straight friend might have an equally awesome gay brother!).

And don't put too much pressure on yourself to find a partner, either. Desperation is not alluring. And things happen when you least expect them to. My parents met because Dad's teenage sister was hospitalized with stress-related illnesses after losing both their parents within 6 weeks, and Mom was her nurse. They were not trolling for a relationship, I can guarantee you. But it happened. My own relationship appeared at a totally unexpected time in both of our lives, but so far it's been as unexpectedly wonderful as finding a lottery ticket buried under a pile of old bills and bank statements, taking it down to the gas station and discovering you've won the jackpot. You CAN take an active role in it--get involved with things, maybe check out a few sites--but don't set a timetable and don't assume everyone you meet will be--or HAS to be--husband material. Be open, be available, and be yourself, and you may also be very surprised.

We are your friends and we understand! Thanks for coming back.