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The struggle continues.....

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Casper22, Jul 21, 2014.

  1. Casper22

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    Hey there everyone,

    I am just feeling so down right now, I thought where better to turn, if even just to put my thoughts out there in writing, than to EC. Realising that I am gay has been nothing short of a profound disappointment in my life - unfortunately it is something that has brought me a lot of anguish over the years. And unfortunately, that anguish just seems to increase over time instead of decreasing.

    I just cannot become happy or comfortable with the fact that I am gay - this just seems to be an impossibility for me. I keep just wishing that there were some escape from this unwanted truth - as impossible as I know this to be. I know that at some point I am just going to have to suck it up and make peace with reality, but I just do not seem to know how to do this. How can I accept and become happy with something that I so badly do not wish to be true? Something that I see as bringing me nothing but a life of loneliness and sadness in my future.

    My plan at the moment is to begin seeing my therapist again so that I can discuss how I am feeling, and also to begin opening up more to my family. They have seen that I have been quite depressed over the past months, and I know that they are a bit concerned, and I think talking honestly with them can only help.

    And so my struggle continues......

    Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated. :slight_smile:
     
  2. PatrickUK

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    You know, I have followed your postings on this forum over the months and seen how much of a struggle this is for you and I can relate so much. Every time I see what you are going through, I want to reach out and say it will be okay... even though it's bloody hard you will get there. Thing is, I'm wary of saying it too often in case it sounds rather trite. I know it seems such a hopeless dream for you right now.

    I remember a posting you made a month or two ago, when you seemed to be making progress by adopting more of a "fuck it" attitude and I'm wondering where that's gone? What (if anything) has happened to make you regress?

    This is so hard as the developing struggle is dragging you down more and more and I see a worrying parallel with my own situation. The demon that was on the horizon seems to get bigger and bigger and it's a case of face the bitch down or be forced down by it. In a way it's almost provoking you and putting you to the test to see how you respond. A bit of a metaphor, I know, but that's how I see it.

    What you are seeing as inevitable (loneliness and sadness), is not reality at all, but an example of the fogginess that arises when your mind is all consumed by an overwhelming issue and internal struggle - most likely a degree of internalised homophobia. It's for that reason I think therapy would be beneficial for you and good on you for taking that step.

    Though you may not see it, there is hope and potential for you to move beyond this situation and I'm willing for it to happen. I did it and so can you - I truly believe that.

    Try to stay strong and lean on us for support. (*hug*)
     
  3. greatwhale

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    Profound disappointments are the result of expecting one thing, and getting something else. Hence the cause of your anguish is not that you are gay, it is your attachment to the belief that you should be something else.

    You stated that this is "something that I see as bringing nothing but a life of loneliness and sadness in my future." I know it seems that way, and your attachment to this belief is so strong that you cannot objectively see that this is a false assumption. I could throw a million examples at you of emotionally healthy gay people, in healthy gay relationships and you will no doubt find something "wrong" in each case. This is why it would be futile for me to persuade you otherwise. Until you can let go of this belief, nothing I tell you will work.

    Right now I am doing hotline duty and I can tell you that there are indeed many cases of loneliness, but I also listen to folks with relationship issues, unrequited love, fear of being gay (which is really the fear of being "not normal"). Some of these issues are particular to LGBT folk, but most of the others are universal.

    You earlier stated that you had reached a state of "fuck it", which, oddly enough was encouraging. It's just another way of letting go, which is what acceptance is all about. So I would ask today: what has changed?

    Sometimes, for something so profound, mere words do not suffice. Perhaps you need a ritual for letting go, like watching a sunset, and as the sun disappears, you will give meaning to that sunset on "the day you let go of your past beliefs"; or send a letter to yourself with all your currently held beliefs written down, and when you receive it, you tear the letter before you even open it. There are so many ways to make the intangible, tangible and concrete. You do need to do this, or some variant of this that you yourself make up to demarcate a line between the past and the present, a real letting go that in itself could be made beautiful and meaningful.

    And in that letting go, you will find yourself, perhaps for the first time in your life. A life that will allow you to live and love as you have never done before.
     
  4. bingostring

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    Hey Casper

    You are not alone with this issue.
    Internalised homophobia may be the root of it. Did you have any strict upbringing or even events that taught you at an early age that it (being gay) is "wrong".
    It would be useful to explore that with a good therapist.
    And read up about shame, Internalised homophobia etc
    Once you understand it the easier it is to change it
    It is possible that if you are a bit depressed - the depression is feeding the negativity too

    Hang in there and EC'ers will always help too.
     
  5. likethewind

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    Try as best you're able to take it a day at a time, Casper. You're a very young man.

    Many things change as we grow older. Took me a while to accept myself — and I do, but I haven't gotten much past that. But I have lived through other difficult situations and circumstances — and remembering that gives me the strength to know I will live through this as well. And so will you.

    Be well...
     
  6. marriedover50

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    Casper.

    I am 53. I think I ran and hid from my truth all of my adult life. I tried hard to adapt to a world that was not my own. I hope you can just "fuck it" and lean into the freedoms that you can find once you come to terms with your internal fears and parts that are seeking to protect you. These parts that are working hard to keep you in the closet or in a state of nonacceptance mean well, but you need to let your true self lead here.

    I hope you find support here and help from your therapist. Peace brother.
     
  7. Choirboy

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    Hi Sean, sorry you're having such a rough time.

    It can take a terribly longtime to arrange all the pieces in the order that makes any sense to us. It's hard for me to even comprehend what it would be like to be out at 24--at your age, I was in no way ready to admit I was gay, even to myself, even with a few terribly awkward relationships with girls behind me and a stash of gay porn hidden away in a cupboard. It was simply not something I could accept or make a part of my life. For all the unhappiness you're going through, there's a part of me that envies you for having the courage to face this at such a young age. As difficult a time as you're having now, you have such an advantage over many of us, in that you're working at your problems NOW, instead of letting them simmer in the back of your mind for decades as I did, and only facing all those mixed-up emotions in middle age.

    It's not much help to you to hear how I messed up my own journey through accepting I was gay. But honestly, Sean, I admire you. I admire you for feeling disappointed and angry. I admire you for feeling depressed and confused--because it's very important to feel. The way you're feeling right now is very unhappy and unpleasant for you--but it's also very transitory. These are feelings that anyone going through a major upheaval in their life will feel, and they will eventually pass. Maybe on their own, maybe with the help of your therapist and family, but they will pass, and you will come through it a stronger person, and even more caring and understanding than you already are.

    Don't give up. The loneliness and fear are very grimly normal, but they pass. Hold tight to your standards and principles. I get the feeling you may think that being gay means you have to adopt a whole new set of values, but you really don't. Be a strong, independent, intelligent and caring man first, and you won't worry about loneliness as much--and you will find yourself being appreciated and admired and, yes, attractive to people. The world is full of phonies, true, and the gay stereotypes we've been slapped in the face with for years are pretty negative. But they're also inaccurate, because a good, honest person remains a special thing whether gay or straight. There are many people out there who need the friendship--and also the love--of someone like you. Keep working with the therapist. This will pass and you will be a better man on the other side of it.

    (*hug*) John
     
  8. Casper22

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    Hi there everyone - thank you so much for your support and advice! It really does help me to be able to reach out to others who can relate to what I am going through.

    Linco - I actually believe you completely when you tell me that it will get better. In many ways I actually think that it was necessary for me to hit rock bottom before I could begin to make my final proper journey towards self acceptance and happiness. This has certainly become a huge demon in my life - and as you talk about - there is definitely a "fogginess" of my thought that has come as a result of this constant mental and emotional battle that has essentially consumed me. It has basically taken over my life. I mean I know that being gay is not some life sentence to be sad and lonely - but it is the negative thinking stemming from this constant battle that has so greatly skewed my perspective of reality. I am in my head so much that I often feel as though I am not living in reality! But I think it is from this point now - from rock bottom - that I will actually begin to make proper progress. This has certainly become a huge demon - but I am determined to get past this. And it is comforting to see you on the other side, given the similarities between our journeys.

    Choirboy - as always your advice has done wonders to make me feel better, and to help me have a more real perspective. I would say that I definitely do make too much of being gay - like by finally accepting it and coming out I will have to become a completely different person. Like there is no way that I could integrate a gay identity with who I am - but as you point out this thinking is ridiculous - and actually if anything, I know that once I get through all of this I will actually be a better person.

    Greatwhale - you're right about disappointment - thinking about what I should be instead of what I actually am is a huge reason why I am where I am at the moment. When it feels right and I know it is a genuine gesture I will try one of your suggestions - I like the idea of the sunset, especially as we get great sunset views from my backyard!

    I have let this monster grow and consume me - and it is time for me to start beating it back down. In my case, I think that the biggest forward step that I can take is to actually sit my family down, and talk to them openly and honestly about this. This is something that I have obviously avoided for years, but I know that it is time for action on this front - it is time to do this. Talking here on EC, or talking to counsellors, and even talking to friends does help, but only to a point. I think it is time to take the next step. My family has always been the big barrier - and I really do think finally opening up to them about it will be my "breakthrough" moment.

    Thank you guys once again for your advice. Linco, greatwhale and choirboy - you guys are honestly champions! It is great to know you are always there for me - and that I can shoot you guys a message if I ever need advice or support :slight_smile:
     
    #8 Casper22, Jul 22, 2014
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2014
  9. Kate Lee

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    Just wanted to share a quote that I once read; it's more or less similar to what Great Whale has said already:

    Dreaming about the person you want to be is harming the person you are.

    When I first read that I was a very shy and awkward teen, and I envied so many people, my nieces, my brother, because they were outgoing. I was always bullying myself because I was so silent and boring etc. Anyway, that quote really hit me at the time and just now, as I was reading the thread, it popped into my head again, so I thought I'd share it.

    Not that there is anything wrong with dreaming in itself, or improving oneself, but I do believe it's a nice reminder that self-hate isn't a solution to anything and that a longing for a change that is unachievable can be quite damaging to someone's self-respect.

    Maybe respecting yourself (as you would any other), even the things you don't like, could come before wholeheartedly accepting yourself. Taking things as they are. It doesn't mean you have to like them, but it can mean you no longer walk away from them or dream for a change in them.
     
  10. Budweiser

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    That quote lacks a lot of context, I would be careful how you use it especially if you tell it to a teen/young adult. Besides, why is it bad if dreaming harms the person you are? If you are an angry person becoming a calmer person will harm the anger and help defeat it. Does that any sense at all?
     
  11. Kate Lee

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    That is why I am giving a context. I mentioned Great Whale's comment and that the quote could be taken in that light. To quote: "Hence the cause of your anguish is not that you are gay, it is your attachment to the belief that you should be something else."

    Of course, it is good to become a less angry person if you are one or to improve aspects of yourself. The context is, in this case, about being able to accept that you are LGBT. Dreams about being or becoming straight will not make you so and may hurt your self-esteem.

    Anyway, that was why I thought the quote could be good when it refers to that: things about yourself that are either very difficult or impossible to change. I hope that clears up any confusion.
     
  12. mbanema

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    From our interactions you've always seemed like a pretty cool guy so I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so down on yourself right now. :frowning2:

    Our situations are extremely similar, but it seems there is one major difference: you haven't been able to accept for yourself that you're gay yet. I haven't had any success at all in coming out, but if I had the option to magically become straight I wouldn't take it.

    You said you're worried about a lifetime of loneliness in your future -- is that because you're not confident that you'll ever come out or because you don't actually want a boyfriend?

    On several occasions you've sounded like you're really close to finally experiencing that breakthrough and talking to your parents about this. This is unbelievably hypocritical for me to say, but I'm extremely confident that once you do this it will lift an indescribable weight off your shoulders and allow you to see your life in an entirely new light. Happiness is definitely within reach.
     
  13. Casper22

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    Hey guys - I know from this post some of you might have been a bit worried about me - so I thought I would give a quick update.

    I just had a long talk with my mum about the whole thing - we went on a walk and she asked me how I was going, and basically I just opened up to her about everything - about being gay, about the anxiety that it has given me over the past years. We had a very long discussion about it on this walk. She could not have been more supportive and great about it - honestly she was amazing. She told me all she wanted was for me to be happy, that there is nothing wrong with it, that I must not worry about what anyone thinks and that she is always here for me to talk to.

    I cannot say how much better I feel - it is no longer stuck in my head tormenting me, but it is out in the open, and I can now talk to my mum about it. And I now know that I have her love and support.

    Thank you again for all of your support guys - the journey isn't over but I feel I have made a lot of progress by talking to her. I have discovered through this experience that the worst thing for my mental health is to not be open with those closest to me, as at the end of the day all they want is for me to be happy.

    :slight_smile:
     
  14. greatwhale

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    This is wonderful news!

    What better ally could you have than your own mother as you come to terms with who you are?
     
  15. marriedover50

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    Wow Casper. This is wonderful for you. I'm so glad you found the courage inside to face reality. You inspire me to continue forward as we'll. your mum is going to be a great friend in your corner.
     
  16. skiff

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    A lot of energy goes into maintaining a closet. You got some energy back from your mom.

    Personally... I feel parents know or suspect so it is not a huge revelation to them.

    I have a son and if he said "I am gay" it would not be a shock. He knows I am gay, we are close and I have rehearsed my response if he ever revealed that to me. It is his timeline, not mine.

    Tom
     
  17. PatrickUK

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    :grin: :grin: :grin: ... that's great news Sean. I'm so genuinely happy for you.

    It may not be the end of the journey, but you have come out to one of the most significant people in your life and I can sense the huge relief in your posting. Very proud of you.

    Keep us posted.
     
  18. Choirboy

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    Sean, that's absolutely wonderful! Speaking as a parent, we really do just want our kids to be happy, and it's even better when we want our kids happy on their own terms--rather than wanting them to re-live our lives and limits and ghosts. This is huge for you. Congratulations! (And bravo to you for not listening to me, because I think I said maybe it wasn't worth telling them...? Part of good parenting is having kids who don't always listen to you, if their hearts tell them to follow a different path. God knows mine know that!)

    (*hug*)(*hug*)(*hug*)
     
  19. mbanema

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    I was so happy to read this last update. Congratulations and enjoy it! :slight_smile:
     
  20. YaraNunchuck

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    Casper22, I feel like I've been on a similar road to you. Everything you've described about your inner turmoil I too have lived. I have lived the inability to accept that you have experienced.

    It's so inspiring that coming out to your mum made you feel so much better. It's great news! In some ways I am happy with myself now, but could do better and feel better and would love if coming out to my own mother would have a similar effect.