Interesting Addition to the Conversation about Being Gay and Married

Hi,

I have believed for a long time; a) there is a huge silent majority of gays who live outside gay culture, b) societal homophobia has steered gay culture creating the very problems that society and many gays have with gay culture. Trust issues are expressed in a myriad of ways.

I believe the younger gays have a good chance of repairing a lot of the damage eons of homophobia has stamped on the gay community.

Yeah I married, yeah I hurt my wife, but how can I remove my sons and my love for them from the mix. Why did I come out... Changing culture, lessening fear, a hope for some true happiness.

Tom

 

Well, yeah, like all of it! The religion part really not so much, because my faith upbringing was not so much anti-gay as anti-single (or really anti-"anyone married with fewer than 4 children"). But...."Is it real or a passing phase? Check. Fear of the unknown? Check. It's abnormal and I may not be good at it? Check. Acceptance of self is a bitch? Check.

Nice to see this getting more press. I suspect that the number of gays in straight marriages could inflate that CDC 2-3% number quite a bit, because I know for most of my marriage, I would never have dreamed of checking "gay" on any box anywhere, partly out of fear, but more out of the genuine belief that I wasn't really gay, I just found men attractive. Much easier now that I know it's real, it's no longer unknown, it's not abnormal and I've accepted myself. (Whether or not I'm good at it isn't my call. :lol

 

either way you win

 

greatwhale: Thanks for posting the link. The article gave me a lot to think about.

For myself, the "fear of the unknown" is the greatest fear. But I feel I'm moving in the right direction now...

 

The difficulty of self acceptance and fear of the unknown were the big ones for me. Thankfully I've basically been an atheist since childhood (although my heritage is Jewish), so religion was one barrier I didn't have to overcome.

The author of the article happens to be a gay "life coach" who I've consulted with on and off since before I came out to my wife. He's walked the walk. Came out with a wife and kids several years ago and is now happily partnered with a man.

 

Interesting read and pretty much bang on. The comment about online sites 'down lo' 'discreet' made me laugh. Hey I'm lonely I frequent some of those sites as it's hard in general to meet anyone let alone when you're not a part of the 'community'. Not that I've ever followed through (well once, and a few dates that were because of online meeting recently.) but I peruse.

I've been contacted, sent pics from a shockingly high number of people I recognize from everyday life: a former boss, people who live in my neighbourhood, people that attended my ex wife's church, customers I've dealt with etc etc.

The hope is that as time goes by it gets easier for each generation and hopefully so many people don't feel the need to live in hiding.