I know that a lot of you have recently come out after long term (10-20 year) marriages. In my own case, I was outed through my own stupidity in having an affair. But there's more to the story than just my coming out, and my wife and I separating after 19 years. The entire reason behind the affair was the lack of affection in my marriage, and years of emotional abuse. Over time it wore me down, to the point that if I hadn't left the marriage soon, I'm not sure how much of "me" would have been left. However, the emotional abuse was invisible to friends and family. (Well, except for the children. they saw it.) So they did not see the "rest of the story". To them, our breakup is as simple as I had an affair with another man. If only it were so simple... I know that what I did was dishonest, and cowardly. If I could redo life I'd have addressed the emotional abuse years ago, before I ended up spending the better part of the last decade on anti-depressants. I wouldn't have let it progress to the point where the affair happened. So yes, I was wrong. However, I am also the victim of all those years of abuse. All that time I internalized it, and hid it from the world. Now that I am "free", I feel great relief. But I still carry this secret with me, and I still suffer from it. My fear is that the abuse will contiune. Now that the initial shock of my coming out has passed, I find my wife becoming more and more abusive again. In the last few months of our marriage, after the affair had begun, I had finally stood up to her and called her on it and things had improved. But since I was caught in the affair, she has been able to neatly ignore the abuse as having ever been the problem, or having any culpability. In her mind, I am 100% guilty, and she is 100% innocent. We have two children, age 13 & 14, and we are both committed to doing our best to minimize the hurt to the children. So I want to do my best to get along, and maintain the best relationship possible. But my fear is that with the current situation, and her ability to portray me as the bad guy, she will feel that she has free rein to continue the abuse. So I'm stuck in this gray area. I don't want to reconcile. I don't want to go back. Yet if we move forward something has to change. How do I manage that? Can I manage it? Or is just walking away and letting her take her shots at me the price I need to pay for my freedom?
I think you should leave her, while you had the affair, the underlying cause was her abuse and i dont think its fair to you and your sanity to go through more of it, but i guess the question really comes down to, do you really love her?
Hi, Can I ask a question...? Why are you still married? Kids sake, want to save marriage, fear, etc, etc, etc... I was married (still married but far from wife [cost]) but stayed in marriage until youngest child was 18 years old. That was a huge part, my duty to children. Fear of coming out was another part of it but as society changed the fear lessened. My story is not "average" as I was partnered a long time (15 years) first then married after my partner left me and I could not find another "stable" partner. (Yeah, naive, stupid thinking there may be a little sexual fluidity in me). Anyway, that is me... Why are you staying in the marriage? Tom
Well, we separated immediately upon her discovering the affair. I do intend to get divorced, but prefer to keep it as amicable as possible. I've suggested using a Divorce Mediator, instead of the usual attorneys to spare the kids as much as possible. However, she's not yet ready to talk with a mediator or do anything to initiate a divorce. So for the time being, still married, but living apart. ---------- Post added 22nd Jul 2014 at 12:59 PM ---------- Do I still love her? Yes. But I am not interested in staying married, or reconciling. My ideal situation would be to divorce but remain friendly, and work together to "co-parent" the kids until they are off on their own.
Hi, We are similar in that "apart" regard but my wife is supportive of me. (Blows my mind too) Your children are young so that is a compounding factor. I have no experience with "bi" as I am gay and I am unsure my experience is applicable. Intellectually I understand bi, emotionally I accept and support it, but I have no idea of the emotional complexity of the feelings of being bi. Someday I would like to share a few beers with a bi guy and get a real understanding. For now I cannot understand where all the stable, low drama, monogamous gays my age hang out, because from my experience they have withdrawn from gay community. Tom
Hi Thomas, well boy can I relate to your situation. My ex sort of 'crushed' me emotionally, to the point where every day was a sort of battle to just endure, to know that "one day I'm going to be out of this, and will be able to be free again, be able to be authentically myself, without having to live in fear". In my case, if I tried to stand up for myself, she would often become physically violent, and she is uncommonly strong for a woman, so I got knocked to the ground on more than one occasion. She would use fear and intimidation to prevent me from either trying to stand up for myself, or to leave. I really feel for you, even if there's no threat of physical violence I still know how hard even just the emotional abuse is to endure. You need allies. To begin with, if you don't already have one, I suggest getting a good counsellor, someone qualified and able to assist you in 'getting back to yourself' again, to getting a sense of emotional freedom even within the very difficult situation you are in. If you can detach somewhat from her (emotionally), even while in your current situation, the power dynamic can change; she might begin to find that she no longer has the same control over you as before. (By 'control' I mean 'ability to hurt you'.) So I really advise finding someone to talk about all this with, it was very helpful to me when I was in that situation. Stay strong and stay in touch here on ec, do keep us posted (if you like). Damien
I can only give you my own experience, but it is very similar to yours. I also endured (and God help me I don't know why I felt obligated to do so) many years of emotional and physical abuse, even before we were married. The humiliations and put-downs were just constant, especially in the later years. People-pleaser extraordinaire that I was! The bad news is, as far as I can tell: I don't think she's going to change, and the divorce process will make it all the more easy for her to fall into these vicious patterns. If you can get to mediation, (something that was available to me but my ex chose to go the lawyer route, costing us thousands) you will be ahead of the game. Negotiate calmly, don't let her bait you into a shouting match, the mediator is there to advise and facilitate, lean on him or her a lot. Continue the argument that it is best if you preserve your capital for what counts: your children, not your respective lawyer's children. As an aside, I finally received my own Certificate of Divorce, just today; just 15 months since it all began...reminds me of Shakespeare, and Hamlet's soliloquy:
Damien, Thanks for the support. It's reassuring to know I'm not alone in suffering abuse, and coming out. As you can understand, in some ways coming out is far easier to do than to admit to outsiders that you suffer from abuse. Society has come a long way to recognizing LGBT's, but it still doesn't like to recognize that men can be abused by women. ---------- Post added 22nd Jul 2014 at 07:01 PM ---------- Tom, Thanks for the understanding. I'd love to take you up on the offer of the beer. I feel like in many ways I'm still learning what it means too. Tom ---------- Post added 22nd Jul 2014 at 07:06 PM ---------- Greatwhale, Congrats on getting through the process in one piece. I hope I can get her to go the mediator route. So far I have managed to turn the other cheek, and not take the bait. I'm hopeful that if I can continue to appeal to the well being of the kids, that she will settle down and work through it. I'm afraid you're right about her not changing. Especially now that she has a socially sanctioned reason to feel like the victim in this. I just hope she realizes that I'm free from her control, and gets bored with the bullying.
Indeed. I can recall once, that someone called in on talk-back radio to point out that, while *most* domestic violence is by men against women, that *some* is by women against men, and the shock-jock made a joke out of this, trivialized it, and the caller had to hang up. This made me feel a bit p*ssed off, because at that time, my ex had been really laying in to me quite a lot, and as I said earlier, any time I said "if you do this again I will leave" she would just add on another threat, such as "you will never see the kids again, I will bash you, etc, etc." So yeah although we guys might not be that common, we do exist, but there's almost zero recognition of this in society, mostly just ridicule at the suggestion.
