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Life questions...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by skiff, Jul 23, 2014.

  1. skiff

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    Hi,

    I wonder if many of you, like me, now that you are "out", or in the process, find yourself questioning yourself about lots of aspects of your life and where you want to take it going forward.

    Questions like; Is my employment true and authentic? Does my employment fulfill me? If society is so wrong about sexuality, religion, politics, morality (et al) how far do the societal falsehoods spread?

    Coming "out" has allowed me to question lots of things far beyond sexuality. I find I relate with ALL minority groups, empathize with them, from addict to immigrant and beyond. We all are social outliers and suffer the same rejection by society.

    The reason LGBT works as a unified demographic is societal pressures but that same exact oppression extends to all minority groups.

    I question so many things now, empathize with so many people now...

    Love and acceptance being the answer, regardless of the question, and society offers so little if either.

    How about you?

    Tom
     
  2. biAnnika

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    Amen, Tom. For the past several years as my sexuality has twisted and turned, I've been in this same exact state of questioning *everything*. It's fascinating, unsettling, edifying...and has the potential to be deeply fulfilling!
     
  3. skiff

    skiff Guest

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    Hi,

    Can leave you feeling a bit "lost" when you realize what society holds dear is primarily falsehoods. All you have been taught is a false front.

    Tom
     
  4. CyclingFan

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    Actually, I started off questioning a whole lot of other aspects of my life first, but yes, I've absolutely felt the same way.

    I will say that that has become more intense since fully embracing questions about my sexuality. I'd already started making quite a few changes in my life.
     
  5. laddie

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    Hi Tom, I absolutely am questioning everything. Every.Single.Thing.

    Everything seems oppressive and terrifying but at the same time exciting and possible. I'm trying to view this as an opportunity and a great adventure. I am spending lots of time deprogramming and reeducating myself. During a long bout of insomnia I even looked into joining a commune. lol

    The funny/ironic thing is that I started by questioning my sexuality and now that is the ONLY thing I am sure about.
     
  6. Choirboy

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    I've questioned some things, but I've also found it very affirming in other ways.

    I've definitely made more effort at thinking about what I'd really like to be doing from a work standpoint, and even applied to a different job (although I backed out because as soon as my boss found out, we had several discussions about changing my duties to make me happier). And while I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up, I have a number of ideas that I want to explore.

    I've always been a bit skeptical about groups that blamed all their problems on societal oppression, and coming out really hasn't changed a lot of that. Everyone has a bone to pick with someone, and everyone feels put upon in their own way. If we blame all our problems on others, we lose our self-reliance and make ourselves perpetual victims of anyone who doesn't like us.

    I didn't hide in the closet years ago because I was afraid of oppression for being gay. Frankly, I was far more worried about not being accepted by OTHER gay men because the minuscule number them that I had actually met at the time were EXTREMELY unimpressed with quiet, conservative, religious, monogamous guys like me! Oppression can be found in many places. If you don't believe me, just try posting something on EC supportive of religion or Republicans and see what happens. It ain't pretty.

    I also think that the LGBT demographic, if you want to call it that, may be unified over marriage and workplace equality and very specific gay issues, but calling us "united" in general does us a disservice in many ways. We're all individuals. If we champion diversity and want to be accepted because we're "different" from everyone else, isn't it kind of an oxymoron to think that being attracted to the same sex makes us all somehow exactly the same despite all the other things that make us unique individuals? It's a unifying factor, but I don't want my orientation defining my life. Or being my excuse for anyone who can't accept me, for whatever reason. I like to think I'm a stronger and more responsible person than that.

    I've gone way off topic. Slow morning at work so I have time to think. Not always a good thing! As to the question of gaining empathy for other minorities and such, I always had it to a fault anyhow. Coming out didn't suddenly make me care. I always did. But it has made me more aware of the fact that a lot of people are very willing to blame society for all their problems, while at the same time feeling society is responsible for fixing them all. We can't have it both ways. Someone has to give a little. Change and improvement start with yourself. Yes, people are oppressed for being gay. And black. And Hispanic. And morbidly obese. And a "ginger". Name it and someone will resent and hate you for it. Resent and hate them back, and it never ends. Coming out has affirmed to me that I can create my own happiness and I can be accepted in my own little world for who I am. And if I can do it, I know others can too.
     
  7. Clay

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    I kinda disagree there Choirboy. Society really is restricting rights of LGBT people, you can't dismiss that "blaming our problem on others" which will make us "lose our self-reliance and make ourselves perpetual victims of anyone who doesn't like us". Why do you care about people who don't like us in the first place? Equality is what people want, screw people who don't like us and who might not like us more because we might complain about the oppression they're helping to perpetuate. You can see this is the gay marriage thing that's happening right now, finally people have realised there's no reason to restrict it, yet by your logic that would be blaming our problem on society.

    As for communities being united, no community is united. Black people don't all agree on something because they're black, and gay people don't all agree on something because they're gay. People are people, sometimes it really is society that puts them into boxes. I can assure you that most minorities would love to stop being seen as a minority by society and instead be seen equally, as just a person. There's no "disservice" in wanting equality.
     
  8. Pax

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    Sounds familiar, skiff...

    Since coming out I've questioned pretty much every aspect of my life - it's amazing how much of the trivial stuff I used to concern myself with I just don't care about any more.

    It's partly linked to the fact that I've always worried obsessively about what people think of me - since coming out I've had to learn that you can't waste your life worrying about that, and consequently I've done a lot of things that I'd once have been way too scared to do.

    So yeah, I've made a lot of changes and I have a feeling that there will be quite a few more to come... :slight_smile:
     
  9. Choirboy

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    Well, I did say we can't blame ALL of our problems on others. That doesn't absolve society of all fault. Of course there are elements of society that restrict the rights of LGBT people. I'd be foolish and wrong to deny that, and it wasn't my intention to imply that I feel everything is perfect for us. It's not. My point is that we get so bogged down in looking for oppression that we alienate the people who might actually support us, if they didn't see us as hating them for being part of the "oppressive majority".

    Why do I care about people who don't like us in the first place? Easy. Because they might be my boss. Or my neighbor. Or someone in the carpool. Or the person in the next cube. A lot of those people don't HATE us, they just don't KNOW us and may be undecided on how they feel about gay issues. If my first gut reaction is "I hate you as a whole because you hate me as a whole", what will ever change? But if I'm willing to rein in my resentment and mistrust just enough to give the undecided people an opening, progress can be made.

    Focusing on the specific groups that hate and hurt is productive and valuable and necessary. We have to fight for justice and equality wherever it's missing. People shouldn't lose rights or be hurt or killed because they're gay. But lumping ALL of "society" together as the oppressor doesn't help--in the end, it's harmful because it keeps us perpetually on the margin of acceptance from the very people who can grant us the equality that we seek. And wanting equality on those specific issues where it's required IS necessary. I want to be able to get married here in Wisconsin one day and I'm excited at the efforts to make it accepted and legal. I don't want anyone fired on the basis of being LGBT or Hispanic or pregnant or whatever. But if I want to "stop being seen as a minority by society and instead be seen equally, as just a person", I also have to start looking at society as a collection of individuals like me, not as the great oppressor and enemy. The enemy isn't going to grant you anything. Someone you accept--even if you disagree with them--just might.
     
  10. BeingEarnest

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    Being in the early stages of coming out, and experiencing both positive and negative reactions, it has definitely opened my eyes in a new way to the obstacles women, ethnic minorities and other groups that are not in power face every day. I always saw myself as caring, compassionate, and even passionate in advocating for people, but it was always from the assumptions that I knew, based on my experience of the world. I worked hard to overcome many obstacles... Living in poverty, a history of abuse, being the first in my family to complete college. It was not handed to me. I assumed others could do the same. What I did not appreciate was that being perceived as a straight, white, married male in America, opened doors for me that others were never even allowed to go through. There is a definite privilege associated with race, gender, sexuality, status... I took that for granted, but now see how quickly those doors can shut. I have to prove things I never did before, or be asked to justify myself. I never realized how powerful 3 words can be 'I am gay.'

    I do not feel sorry for myself, in fact I am so grateful to be seeing the truth. It is a relief to be able to accept myself as I really am. AND this experience has opened my heart in a new way to see how many people (in fact the majority of people) in our society have to overcome so much to be able to do what all people should be able to do.

    So I guess the answer is yes, it has caused me to question other parts of life.
     
  11. skiff

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    Hi,

    Why do we have to care about those that dislike us?

    We need to care or we are no better than them. You do not have to accept their opinion or ignore their behavior but acceptance, understanding and compassion are very important. Love is the answer regardless the question and love embodies acceptance, understanding and compassion.

    As far as blaming others... Much of societies ideals are empty facades, like the loving family that rejects their LGBT child. That is love? It is not 100% rejection but it is overwhelming (hence here we are). Religion, politics, morality, justice, family (all the facades of society) are riddled with hypocracy and failure and we ALL know it. The only way to fix it is to accept this and see the problems that spring forth from the hypocracy and failures like rats at harvest.

    Too many hidden societal agendas that tear at the fabric of humanity and love.

    Tom
     
  12. BMC77

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    Yes, I've been doing a lot of questioning the last year and a half or so. Although the question is whether I started questioning my life because I finally came to accept I'm gay. Or whether I finally accepted I'm gay because I was in a questioning phase, asked that question, and finally gave myself an honest answer?
     
  13. scared32

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    Learned alot reading this thread
     
  14. mnguy

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    I definitely have more compassion for racial and other minorities and the struggles they've battled since realizing I'm gay. The pure hatred and violence toward black people in the US is sickening and I'm ashamed of our history. Here are two images from the civil rights movement that I always think of. I don't think they'd be as moving to me if I wasn't gay and having felt like an outcast for something I didn't choose and doesn't make me any less human than a straight person.

    I Am a Man
    http://black-culture.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/02/MLKGuns.jpg

    The Problem We All Live With
    http://www.thestranger.com/binary/f5c3/1314300958-rockwell-large.jpg
     
  15. skiff

    skiff Guest

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    Hi,

    I really enjoyed "The Four Agreements" by Miguel Ruiz.
    [​IMG]
     
  16. mnguy

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    Very good mottoes, skiff! I really liked this one, "When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering." It's true, but hard to hear the anti-gay rhetoric and not be offended and possibly hurt sometimes, at least I've felt that way. Such immunity would be a good thing.
     
    #16 mnguy, Jul 23, 2014
    Last edited: Jul 23, 2014
  17. skiff

    skiff Guest

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    I just feel sorry for their life circumstance that left them small minded. They are disabled;

    [​IMG]
     
  18. sagebrush

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    Deep thoughts and deep questions...

    I've certainly pondered the "meaning of life" in many different aspects since coming out. My closet walls were constructed, plastered, painted, and wallpapered with decades of conditioning, brainwashing, fear, and anxiety. Once I began (and continue) tearing down those walls, I discovered that much of my "reality" was neither authentic nor true. So much discrimination, prejudice, and unearned privilege -- as well as love, hope, and self-worth -- was blocked/hidden from my awareness as I remained "safely and securely" imprisoned in my closet.

    As I continue my outward journey, I strive for empathy, simplicity, vitality, and authenticity -- for myself and for others. I still have my anxieties and fears and endless uncertainties, but I feel more positively connected to "who I am" rather than "who I'm supposed to be"...

    Thanks for sparking a good reflection, skiff! :slight_smile:
     
  19. irishluck

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    I just wanted to say how much I love this thread. So many interesting thoughts and ideas have been posted! I was actually thinking about some of these things earlier today. It's good to know that others share my thoughts and feelings about the outside world.

    This thread makes me feel a lot better about myself in a time of confusion and disappointing reactions and behavior from other people who I thought were close to me and would always love and accept me unconditionally...I am learning this is not the case and they have strong motives behind-the scenes to try to get me to change. They are not truly happy for me, even though I am in love and am so happy with my girlfriend. She is everything I've ever wanted in a partner...if she were a man, I would be receiving zero of the negativity I'm currently getting from my family.

    They have said they know I would be more content with a man - how/why do other people think they know what makes someone else happy? What makes them think they have the right to say such things? Thankfully I am blessed to be with an amazing girlfriend who loves me and accepts me as I am questioning myself and all these other unexpected things - all of this pain is worth it, because I have her.

    It is difficult sometimes to remain open-minded, forgiving and patient with other people and the world around us that can be so cold and controlling.

    Thanks for starting this thread, skiff! I'm seeing there's quite a compassionate and intellectual bunch on this board. :slight_smile:
     
  20. skiff

    skiff Guest

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    Hi,

    They are broken people, holding the broken ideals and dreams of a broken society. How could they transcend that brokenness without getting beyond it and looking back on it as you/we have?

    We are very lucky, we get to see the truth of society and the charade falls away.

    They believe they are punishing us by pushing us out. What they fail to realize is the gift of perspective we get from being outside the brokenness. We only punish ourselves by fighting to get back in.

    [​IMG]
     
    #20 skiff, Jul 23, 2014
    Last edited: Jul 23, 2014