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confusion is torturing

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by johngy, Jul 23, 2014.

  1. johngy

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    Hi All. This is my first time on this website and I'm wondering if anyone can give me some direction or life experience similar to my own in the hope that I can make some peace with my sexuality.

    I'm 30 now and in a relationship with a woman. I love her and we regularly make love. My confusion is something that has haunted me for years.right through my teens and into adulthood. I've had several female relationships and have been active sexually with woman for a long time.

    At 21 I had a full break down when I broke up with girl I was with. I tried to go out and meet new girls but I felt I didn't want any of them. I started to question myself and my sexuality from then.

    I looked at my past and I saw that I fancied girls and woman from a young age and I had a high drive like that. But things started to bother me. I only had 1 male friend usually, I'd fight that friend after some time and then be friends with another and so on. I was betrayed by one when I was 16 which hurt me very much. We didn't have any sexual contact but we did watch each other. We messed about and played chicken with kissing, who'd pull there head away first etc.

    I remember having dreams about males. I always loved action movies and wrestling so maybe that was the case. I continued to sleep with woman but I always wondered was this a way that I used to cover up my urges. I didn't fantastize about men in the sex though.

    I tired the gay scene when I was 21 then, I messed around but never got aroused. I thought at the time it was because I didn't like it but it could be also because I was scared.

    I'm wondering to myself now is there a possibility of a latent homosexual way about me. As I said I'm in a serious relationship and I'd like to marry her but I need to get my right before I can
    I don't want to bring kids into the world and hurt people if I am gay.

    I'd like to ask for your experiences and maybe get a conversation going to see if anyone has the same experience.

    Did you sleep with woman, did you like it or did you force yourself, did you change over time to become more attracted to men, has there been anyone here with an interalised homophobia and if so how did you react...did you get aggressive, did you get depressed, mood swings, loss and gain of drive, did you obsess.

    Allot here I know but any thoughts are helpful

    Thanks :slight_smile:
     
  2. Choirboy

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    Honestly, the attraction to guys was always there, and I just never felt comfortable acting on it. I dated girls but never with any great enthusiasm, and only had sex with the one I eventually married. I fantasized about guys and always had a terrible time imagining myself in a "forever" relationship with any of the girls I dated (including my wife), although it was something I really, truly wanted (or thought I did).

    I'd be wrong to tell you that there's absolutely no chance that you don't have some degree of repressed homosexuality. But speaking as someone who WAS repressed and in the closet for decades, my experience was vastly different from yours.
     
  3. scared32

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    Sounds alot like me too, its possible you are suppressing it, you are scared. I am deeply in the closet and plan to stay there. I was always attracted to girls but hid it , I was ashamed and never thought I could date women or marry one, the way we are raised, social conditioning,plays a huge part. We are taught girls marry boys, in movies, media, music etc. I only wanted to date guys or marry a man, yet had no desire to jump on them kiss them etc, never aroused, I just assumed men are horny I am not, yet when I watch lesbian porn or self pleasure my libido is fine, I dont know, what is confirming it for me is now im compleyly in love with a woman, if u fall in love with a man maybe u will know.
     
  4. Jguy365

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    When I look at my life, it seems like I should be gay. There is a long list of factors that lead me to that comclusion, but the most major item is that I was never truly interested in girls. I've had crushes, but I've never dated. That being said, I've never had a romantic interest in guys but that's because I didn't realize that I was interested in them until a few days ago when I had a dream that I had a boyfriend and I liked it. It was then when I officially came out to myself as bisexual.

    It sounds to me like you are probably also bisexual. The problem with bing bisexual is that, no matter who you date, you will always have an intrest in the other sex.

    For now, go ahead and find a relqtionship. Open yourself up to both sexes and see what happens there. It doesn't matter who you fall in love with, just as long as the two of you care for each other and can live a long and happy life together, male or female.
     
  5. ThomasG1234

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    Your experience sounds familiar to mine. I have always been attracted to women, and never considered myself gay. Yet I was also undeniably attracted to certain men. Most of my friends in life are women, but the few male friends that I have made I have kept close, emotional relationships with for many, many years. I find I am not attracted to most men, but there is a certain "type" that I gravitate too, again and again. Quiet, sensitive, shy. Intelligent, and with a wry sense of humor. And the females that I end up with? They are strong women, almost masculine in their behavior. Women that have trouble befriending other women, but do not shy away from asserting themselves as women in a male dominated world.

    I consider myself "Bi" in that I am attracted to both, in varying amounts, depending on the person. I came to this conclusion at 46, after 19 years of marriage, and 2 kids. So I applaud you for having the courage to ask these questions when you are. I wish that I had, but growing up in the 70's and 80's I don't think I could even concieve of the term bisexual. I felt like I have a choose a side, and be 100% staight, or 100% gay, and the fact that I fell somewhere in the middle must be a sign of me being screwed up.

    I now realize that there is no one definition of "Bi". There are almost as many definitions, as there are bisexuals. There's a great book out there called "Bi any other name", that is a collection of bisexual men and women telling their stories. The diversity of experience is amazing, and inspiring. It has helped me to say "Hey! I'm me. And whoever and whatever that is, it is exactly who I am supposed to be."
     
  6. Damien

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    Hi johngy,

    I find your concern to clear this up before potentially getting married, to be very considerate and shows good judgement on your part. But even if you were not able to fully clear it up, another option would be to disclose it to the woman in your life, instead. That way, she would not ever feel deceived if you had not told her, and it had then come up later on, once you were already married.

    I can relate to so much of your story. I also now believe that I always had some same-sex attraction (as well as the attraction I felt for girls from a young age), but somehow was just really good at suppressing it. During my teens I fantasized a fair bit about a few guys I knew, and it was pretty intense, but I simply put those experiences into a sort of mental 'compartment' which I would neatly label, "this is just something cheap and dirty that you do to really get off, but it's not your real orientation; you're actually straight". This is, of course, denial, but I didn't know that at the time. (And incidentally, reading those words and the harsh self-judgement they pass, actually hurts me now, :frowning2: and I no longer agree with them. But I have to relate my self-talk at the time.)

    Upon reaching adulthood, I pretty much swept my childhood and adolescent same-sex attraction memories under the carpet, and just identified as straight. It was easier that way, that way I would not feel 'dirty'. (I am so sorry everyone, to have to use this word; I'm just trying to be of assistance and to do so, I have to relate the intense struggle I went through.) But from time to time, the attraction would either resurface briefly, or I would even 'experiment' a bit (like the time I went to one of those 'gay sauna' places; I didn't like it because no-one spoke at all, it was just 'see someone you like, then go and do it'. In any case I felt too intimidated by the situation, and besides, the receptionist was the only guy in the entire place I actually found appealing - he was rather cute :wink:). I had a few relationships with women, I must say none of them very satisfying, and finally, after about 25 years of denial, here I am today; for the last few months, I have 'allowed' myself same-sex attraction freely. I can't say I know for sure what my orientation is, but I know from the feeling of freedom I currently feel, that something is up with me. I feel as though, being able to love someone regardless of their gender, frees me, makes me feel whole, in a way that identifying as straight never did. So, I know I'm not straight, but whether I'm gay or just bi, well only time, and actual experience, can tell.

    So in your situation: I think you should maybe explore the feelings you have a bit. What form that exploration should take, I don't know, but in my case unbridled fantasy, and allowing myself to 'get off' on such fantasy, has certainly given me some insights...:icon_bigg Anyway, whatever you do, if you are close to your partner, you might be able to talk to her about it, maybe? Tell her about your doubts, and that the reason you want to sort it out, is out of consideration for her, and any future children you might have? Or alternatively, you could just explore it in private (so long as you don't cheat, I mean; just in fantasy alone), and find out that way.

    Hope something I've related here is of assistance!
    Damien :slight_smile:
     
    #6 Damien, Jul 23, 2014
    Last edited: Jul 23, 2014
  7. scared32

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    Damien you articulated perfectly exactly how im feeling right now. I have been strugglinv and suppressing my same sex attractions all my life.
     
  8. Damien

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    I am glad if relating my struggles has helped you in any way. That is why I shared it, because honestly some of the things I related were not easy to relate. I feel sad that so many people look down on themselves, just for being attracted to the same gender. I think it is cruel, how society makes us feel bad about it. I've got tears in my eyes as I write this. I hope you can just come to an understanding and openness, that whatever sexuality you turn out to have, whether straight, lesbian, bi or whatever, that any of these are ok, not one is better or worse than the other. I hope you can be kinder to yourself than I was, when I was your age. :frowning2:
     
    #8 Damien, Jul 23, 2014
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  9. the analyst

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    For me, the attraction to both sexes kinda always been there. I used to be in denial about being interested in girls before I identified as trans, cannot really tell why - I was raised in the family that's really tolerant about those things so technically there wasn't any external pressure on me to supress it. I guess it just seemed troublesome, as all the people I knew back then was straight I was assuming I'm just like anyone else and ignored whatever didn't fit to the picture. I was just avoiding thinking about it, but I was getting aroused at my fantasies, had admiring older girls from the school secretely and developed romantic feelings towards a female classmate. It was obvious to everyone but me back then and is now obvious to me as well. The attraction to guys always been there too but differently, at first I was just getting pleasant feelings watching them nervous, shy or scared and didn't associate it with anything sexual. When I was around 15, I started to have these sadistic crushes on guys, where lust was mixed with the desire to hurt them, which was getting me high but I didn't like the lack of control it was giving me. At this point I was strongly suppresing the idea that I might be 'transsexual for real' and something other than a straight girl so I was thinking I like guys only but I also couldn't imagine myself being in happy relationship with a guy, the passion I had for them was far too destructive and anyone suggesting that I should have a boyfriend by now or that someday I will be lovingly devoted to a man was giving me huge anxiety, I felt like trapped and humiliated by the mere thought of it. I started to define as transman somewhere in the second grade of highschool, but I was still suppressing feelings I had for women. Year ago I have fallen really hard for a girl who was my internet friend, she was the first person I ever loved romantically for real like I thought she was perfect for me, and I told my mother about her. I guess that eventually let me acknowledge I'm into women as well and to be more sure of my gender identity. As I was getting more out and comfortable about being trans, my sexual attraction toward males started to fade - by today I'm not quite sure whether I was never really into guys and only in denial about it or is it that now that I try to function in society as male I'm actually suppressing my atraction towards men. In the country where I live (Poland) it's pretty hard to be both bi and trans, once you're not 100% heteronormative in your sense of gender they start to question you all over again and psychiatrist can deny you the right to transition and stuff. Sometimes I think I'd be better off being just straight seeing that I tend to get along with females lots better than with men anyway, I had plenty of female friends during a course of my life and only one male friend, my current partner. On the other hand I wouldn't my attraction to men to vanish because I like being in relationship with him. He's been the only man I currently feel sexual attraction towards and he is trans as well, so he's only mentally masculine. Psychologically he's similar type to those men I used to have those sadistic crushes on, but I developed more warm, romantic type of feelings towards him during the course of our relationship.

    I think that wanting to sort things out with your sexual orientation before you settle down is a very responsible thing to do, but I also think that you might be overanalysing perhaps? I mean I don't think anyone is 100% gay or straight, and such things as dreams, intimate same-sex friendships and experimenting without any arousal can happen to more open-minded straight person as well. It is very possible that you experience some suppressed attraction towards males as the subject of it seems to pop up during the course of your life like unfinished matter - but since you have said you've had attraction to women and your relationships with women can be satisfactory on emotional and sexual level (while you weren't aroused while experimenting with men) I wouldn't be worrying about being gay that much, I'd rather type bisexual or bi-curious. But I don't know you so I might be wrong - it's up to you to figure that out.

    I would actually confess this to my girlfriend if I were you, after all our significant others are supposed to know us best right after ourselves, so perhaps she'd be able to help you figure yourself out.

    I think sexual orientation can fluctuate to some extent during the course of life, at least it did for me. I've had periods where I was almost exclusively into females, and periods when I was almost exclusively into men, but I was never completely exclusively into one gender, from what I recall.
     
  10. allnewtome

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    I see a ton of similarities between you story and mine and many others I've read in my time here.

    The short version to my story.

    1: I often fantasized about guy

    2: I didn't date a ton but generally had girlfriends all through growing up and usually one or two close guy friends at a time. Which would end for one reason or another and I'd get a new best friend. These male friends almost exclusively took priority over my girlfriend.

    3: I was attracted to women-although it's still debatable whether it was attraction or simply recognizing their beauty/forming a connection with them. I was never the guy that spotted a girl across the road and got an instant hard on like most of my friends/brothers...the joke for years was that my standards were ridiculously high.

    4: I didn't recognize the attraction for men but looking back it was there. There were older guys/athletes/ celebrities etc that I idolized in a different way than my peers.

    5: i dated a girl for a few years in my early 20s and eventually married her. The excitement of the new relationship pushed aside my desires but they came back. So we married and initially that pushed away my desires but they came back.

    6: my marriage ended for a number of reason-my sexuality was never the issue. Afterwords I got drunk and hooked up with a guy-it wasn't all that I'd built it up to be so I pushed it aside again. Met a girl again but again the desires came back.

    7: this was a viscous cycle I went through for years but inevitably the desires/interest/curiosity always came back.

    That led me to a lot of inner struggle and a lot of reflection and there have been many things I've thought back to and look at differently. Sex with woman was enjoyable but our bodies are built to respond to stimulation (this is why rape victims often report reaching orgasm) it ads a level of confusion to it all but in no way is a concrete answer. The women I've loved I believe the love was true but ultimately life always felt like something was missing for me

    I believe there can be a fluidity to sexuality but if these thoughts have been consistent search long and hard for answers now because in my experience they may subside at different points in life they will come back.
     
  11. mnguy

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    I've never been with a woman and really can't imagine that for me. At a much younger age I thought I had crushes on girls in school, but eventually I realized the "crushes" were just because other guys liked them and it's what I thought I was supposed to think/say.

    I didn't know that some guys actually had crushes on other guys. Once I figured that out, I realized why I couldn't stop looking at some guys, hoped I would see them in class, got nervous if we had a chance to talk, yet wanted so much to become great friends with them.

    Although it may have seemed like I had an attraction to females when I was younger, I was merely modeling what I was taught. Had I been taught that some guys are attracted to other guys and that is perfectly natural for gay people, I doubt I'd be here on EC today. Perhaps others are here due to similar circumstances.
     
  12. PatrickUK

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    Although there is a reluctance to admit it, very few people can honestly say that they are 100% straight or gay. If we use the Kinsey scale (crude as it is to some people) most of us will be somewhere between 0 and 6. That's as true for you as it is for me - a gay man in a ten year relationship with another man.

    So, let's take a look at some of the things that are concerning you...

    First thing to point out is that you are in love and regularly make love. Reading that quote doesn't suggest to me that you are unhappy with your relationship or sex life. In fact, it sounds like you find it rather enjoyable and you are not making any excuses to not have sex.

    Many people who experience a change in their sexuality turn away from physical intimacy with their partner. It doesn't sound like you are doing that at all.

    When we are badly hurt and our emotions sink it's perfectly normal to lose interest in things that we have previously enjoyed. Our thoughts and feelings become more cloudy and we react out of character. It's not unusual at all.

    Fast forward 9 years and the reset button has been pressed. You are now in relationship with another woman who you love and hope to marry.

    Could it be that you find the muscular physique of action heroes and wrestlers attractive? In other words, you admire men who are strong and in good shape. If so, you are not alone.

    Think about any guy who works out regularly and uses weights and the chances are he will have an idealised body shape in mind that he his trying to emulate. I wouldn't mind betting that a great many of these guys have a picture of some actor/sportsman/model in mind that has attracted their attention and they are now working towards the same.

    Does that mean anything significant? Well, it demonstrates a level of attraction towards the same sex, but it doesn't necessarily mean anything more than a psychological attraction. Even so, you could take this as an example of some movement away from being 100% straight.

    So you never got aroused by men and you also say you don't sexually fantasise about men. Was it because you felt scared? Well, I doubt it, because fear would keep most men firmly away from this scenario. You tried it (possibly in reaction to the breakdown) and it didn't do anything for you. Afterwards you found another girl and you are where you are today.

    --

    I can't say for definite that you are not gay, but it just doesn't stack up for me. There are too many big holes in what you describe. It's entirely possible for you to admire and feel attraction to fit and good looking men (a psychological response) but that doesn't necessarily translate into a physical or sexual response. In fact, you've confirmed that.

    It sounds like you have built up a number of layers of confusion over the years that have led to these creeping and growing doubts.

    Okay, you may not be 100% straight... in which case you join the majority.

    What do you think?
     
  13. skiff

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    Hi,

    If indeed you are confused thinking about it endlessly and not finding an answer is causing you pain. You have two choices; 1) continue with pain, 2) take positive action to find a solution.

    That may mean talking to a gay supportive therapist.

    Nobody here can tell you the answer. A good therapist will not tell you either. You need to find the answer yourself. A good therapist simply gives you tools of self discovery.

    The fact you are here indicates this is not an idle passing thought. I would suggest you find a therapist to guide you.

    Tom