This is a weird question, how can I figure out if I truly like men? Some background info, I am married to a man, we have a great marriage except the sex part, he enjoys himself, im really not interested, I never have orgasms when we have sex, I dont care either, cause I self pleasure if I need to. I dont like the penis, the look of it soft grosses me out, hard dont care doesnt turn me on, but I like men, I liked him when we were dating , I wanted kids all planned, yet he has always had issues with me being not affectionate. I just dont feel urges to kiss or touch him ever, I have sex thinking ok he needs it but never cause I want it, is it possible I just admire a mans beauty but im not attractedto men but think I am, i have never really thought of it till i started having feelings for this girl. I think hugh jackman is super hot, I dont understand myself or my sexuality, I say im bisexual but I think im a lesbian although I want to be straight, I think I love my husband as a best friend ,partner, co parent but not the way I love this woman. But how do I know for sure if im a lesbian if I still find some men attractive, I could fall for them too if I like there personality, wouldnt enjoy touching the penis though, I hate giving head. I think im pansexual sometimes or asexual but then I have great orgasms whrn I self pleasure, im instantly turned on when I see a vagina but never wanted to date women .its like im happy in this friendship marriage, self pleasure to get off. Am I weird?
Scared32- You are NOT weird. Sexuality can be complicated. Have you considered going to a Therapist who specializes in LGBT issues?
Hi - I'm afraid I don't have any specific advice...I just wanted you to know you are not alone. I have been thinking the same sorts of questions along my journey to self-discovery. I don't think they are weird questions. I think they are honest questions in your quest to know yourself better. Not always an easy road, but I think it's great that you are trying to figure out these things about yourself. I'm glad you are seeking out counseling. Best of luck to you! Hang in there.
You sound exactly like I did, and no you are not weird. I was in a friendship marriage, sex because I felt guilty and no affection, no romantic feelings, didn't want to be touched and then I met my trigger crush and it was wow. Didn't know those feelings existed and that I was capable of feeling them. Since I came out to myself I have changed, I know I'm gay and I like women only. No interest in men, but this came after a lot of self reflection and thinking. Being gay can be so much more than a sexual attraction, but it's an emotional as well. I have experienced much deeper feelings and can be very romantic when I think about it (never happened with my husband). There is nothing wrong with you other than you may be discovering you prefer women. I wanted be straight, I wished I had not realized that I wasn't and now I would never go back. To know who I am and to live an authentic life with the freedom to love who I want and be who I want is priceless.
Thanks HTBO, I think you are right, but its a scary realisation that I feel sucks that I didnt know before or chose to ignore, now I feel trapped and its like im purposefully staying in denial cause im scared to accept it and change, I dont want to hurt my husband, I dont have the financial means to leave, im starting college in september and I plan to go to university after. I love this woman so much I never thought It was possible to have such a connection to someone.
I understand about not knowing before, but I came to conclude I wasn't ready. It happened for me the same as you, a woman. Completely unexpected and overwhelming. If you look the the sexual and romantic orientation section you will see a post 'This has never happened before' Under this post are people with similar situations as yours of people who are in heterosexual relationships and realized they were lesbians once after they developed strong crushes on another woman. It might help you to read through theses posts.
So you ask two questions: how can I figure out if I truly like men? Well, one approach is to marry one (one you like) and live with him, having regular sex...then see after a while whether you enjoy the sex, find his penis exciting, find yourself moved to express affection (through kisses or random touches), etc. (which are the indicators that you do in fact like men); or whether you find yourself more often getting off to masturbation while fantasizing about women's bodies (which would be an indicator that you could be a lesbian, especially if you don't have many of the signs of liking men, as described above). And: Am I weird? Don't think of it as "weird" so much as "queer". You certainly don't sound straight. I think you *like* the idea of being pansexual or bisexual, and I think you dislike the *idea* of being a lesbian. But what you write does not indicate pansexuality or bisexuality...just recognizing that guys are attractive doesn't equate with being attracted to guys, if that distinction makes sense (recognize: straight women can look at other women and think "damn, she's attractive" without actually being attracted to them or wanting to have sex with them). Oh, but wait...you also say "its like im happy in this friendship marriage, self pleasure to get off." Then why the interest in the other questions? If you're happy, then it's easy: keep doing what makes you happy! But if you find you actually *aren't* all that happy in your current marriage, I'll give you the advice I give so many here. Don't obsess on whether you're straight, gay, bisexual, pansexual, or whatever. Instead, focus on who you actually want to have sex with...not who is attractive, but who would you enjoy making love to (and that entails the physical reality of body parts and everything)? I know my first paragraph was a little flip...it was to make a point...you already have the answers to your real questions. But I do totally get that you want to be sure before even considering anything as radical as leaving your husband. Unfortunately, I see only three possibilities: (1) Tell him what you're going through, and ask for permission to experiment with a woman; (2) Don't tell him what you're going through, but just find a way to experiment with a woman without telling him (I don't condone this option, but it's a possibility); (3) Divorce him (with or without telling him the real reason why), and proceed with a life that makes sense to you. I fear that unless you have really amazing communication patterns established with your husband and a lot of comfort talking with him about difficult topics and feelings, none of these options will be appealing. I strongly echo the recommendation that you talk to a therapist...particularly one who specializes in LGBT issues. They could help you think through these options (possibly come up with others) and work out an approach for moving forward. Best wishes, hon, and keep talking to us! *hugs*
Thanks so much, I know you are all right, im just scared to admit it, im living in major denial, Im scared if I admit it I will want to leave. I wish I could be with her but I cant, this is terrible to say but I secretly hope he finds someone better and more affectionate and leaves me, so I dont have to be the one who does.
I used to think the same thing, i kept hoping he would leave me. I knew I couldn't give him what he needed, but in the end, I was the one who had to leave. But, I want to tell you his reaction, and maybe you will find this encouraging. First of all, he already suspected so it wasn't a great surprise. After a couple of days he said that he was relieved because he knew he wasn't the problem. He always thought there was something wrong with him and that's why I couldn't love him the way he wanted me to. Not only did I free myself by coming out to him, but I also gave him his freedom to find someone that will provide everything I couldn't.
