As I am still early in the process of coming out, Several people, including my therapist, have recommended that I take some time off, and get away to 'explore'. No one ever explains what they mean by explore, and it could just be that it is up to me to decide what I mean by it. So here I go. I have lined up a trip later this weekend to travel to a larger city. I have a gay friend who lives there, and he and his husband have offered to show me around the gay district. I honestly don't know what to expect, or even sure what to ask for, and for awhile I was getting nervous. It finally dawned on me that what I need is relaxation, time away. These last months have been extremely stressful, and I need rest. And to just have fun. (Which is not my specialty) As it gets closer, I am starting to feel happy about the trip, and I don't feel like I have to be pressured to do, or not do anything. I don't have to prove anything. I do want to explore the feelings that are inside, that I have hidden from all these years. I am not sure what comes naturally to me, as I have never been in this situation. Do any of you have ideas, recommendations or words of wisdom? Thank you.
Go out with your buddies and act like you have been doing it for years. Start some conversations with gay men that you meet to get more comfortable being "in" the club with them. In other words, relax and just enjoy being there, with people you know are gay. Have a drink if that will loosen you up to reduce the tension. Be friendly and open with anyone who approaches you. Just go with the flow, and you will find out what comes naturally to you.
I think you're on the right track, BeingEarnest. All of this is stressful, but it is to the end of being more authentically you. I hope you have a great time.
I think my best advice is a bit convoluted... "Don't feel pressured to enjoy yourself." If you go out with your friends, rise to the occasion, be social, but if you don't like it, that's okay too. I guess I'm trying to say, "eliminate expectations and live in the present." That might take away some of the pressure you're feeling.
To further elaborate on Bluesky224's advice, go with no expectations, but observe yourself in the moment, try to see how you react to things, and how you feel, especially.
That is all very helpful as I prepare for the trip. I had a session with my therapist today, and she added that it can be a time to be in another place, where I can be free to be openly gay, and be myself. I like that.
The exploration trip,went very well, and was surprisingly pleasant. I went into it with the idea of what would it be like to be in a different city where I could just be free to be out- to be myself in a new way. There was a real feeling of liberation, I could feel it in my walk, in my interactions with people. I had a wonderful time visiting with a friend and his husband. I have been in conversation with him by phone and email these last months, but it was so much better being together in person. They took me around town, to a variety of gay bars and restaurants. I especially liked the ones that had live music- piano bar and show tunes. I had lots of questions, and my friends helped answer as they were able. I noticed that on the second day of the trip, I was much more relaxed and able to enjoy it. I had a flirtatious conversation with a bartender, (who picked up from our conversation that I am new to all of this.) There was another friendly gentleman who came close to me, and looked like he was going to talk, but then he turned around. There was another guy, who my friends knew from another city who stopped and talked to us forms while. When he left, he gave everyone a hug, including me. It felt nice. In addition to such good times with friends, I liked the experience of being in a place with other gay men, and to see that this can be normal. I returned home from the trip a little more joyful, and hopeful. Interesting note- now that I am back home, my body immediately resumed its posture, it feels like tension in my back. Hmmm.
That sounds really great BeingEarnest! (Minus the tension coming back.) Glad you had such a great trip. Maybe it's something more of us should try.
Two of Brené Brown's 10 guideposts to wholehearted living are "cultivating play and rest: letting go of exhaustion as a status symbol" and "cultivating laughter song and dance: letting go of 'being cool'" And at least among my group of friends, they are two of the most difficult ones to embrace. But they're important and necessary. So giving yourself permission to look dumb, to not know what you're doing, to simply go have fun and not care what others think... is incredibly liberating. Dance like nobody's watching. Say hi to random people. Whatever it is that takes you a little out of your comfort zone. It sounds like you did a bunch of that sort of thing on this trip, and that's exactly what you should be doing
It sounds like you had an awesome experience BeingEarnest! I think that being with friends who are also gay helps a lot in your transition. I don't know if I would be as open as I am without support. I'd probably still be in the closet. Sad.
It sounds like a really good trip away. Would you want to spend more time down in that city or could you feel more comfortable being more visably out in your home town? Being around openly gay people helps a lot doesn't it.
Exploration part II: I had a completely free evening, so rather than feel overwhelmingly sad(as the mood was coming on) I thought - just go out. I drove to a neighboring town to a gay bar. The atmosphere was nice and friendly. I learned from my previous trip that I want to be outgoing, and be clear for myself what I do and do not want, and what I will and will not do. To be myself, and be open and friendly. It was a lot of fun. Shortly after settling down at the bar, a guy came up and talked to me. In the course of the conversation, I said I am new to all of this, just coming out. He gave me a big hug and said he is the ambassador to the gay community, and proceeded to introduce me to the other guys. Shortly after, another gay was hitting up on me. He had his hands all over me,and was whispering in my ear. - I have never had anyone come on to me- so I counted it as a new and invigorating experience. He was, however, 100% drunk! and while I was pleasant, I did not reciprocate. Still, he was nice, and it was the first time I've had a guy put his hands on me like that. After he moved on, another guy came into the bar, and we had a great conversation about the news, and the community, and places we both grew up. I enjoyed it. Driving home, I felt really happy about the evening. I am sure some of that is hormones. But it's all good.
