Hi, I spent the last year exploring three online dating sites at the request of a friend who thought I was meeting people too slowly. I had zero luck finding a compatible person in a full year. Matter of fact the sites shared most of the same people. Most had lousy matching software ignoring data they asked you (age range for example). They would indicate a match but when you viewed the profile the individual clearly stated in data fields an age range you were outside of. One even matched you to yourself. I found most people were seeking specific physical attributes over all else. With that said... What about human matchmakers? Any better results? The type of matchmaker that gets to know you, interviews you in person... Are they any better? Tom
My straight dating experiences were fairly limited and I won the gay boyfriend lottery without even knowing I'd bought a ticket, so I should probably shut up and not say anything. Not my style of course! The girls I dated back in the day included: --A girl in high school who was cast opposite me in a musical, and we hit it off almost instantly (a closet lesbian, ironically) --A girl I met in a chorus I sang with --One of my sister's 8th grade teachers (suggested by my mother, and my sister observed coldly that she's either get an A or an F in English based on how our dates went) --A friend of my sister who I sang in the church choir with (and actually sang and played the organ for her first wedding....which fell apart and I ended up marrying her :bang: ) Common threads for me seem to be music and my sister :lol: ....but the real point is, do things that you truly enjoy, and allow people whom you trust to make suggestions. A person you respect and like might have a gay brother or friend or cousin who you might also respect and like. Be yourself and be open to what happens, make no judgments on anyone, but maintain your own personal integrity and boundaries so people know what to expect. Think of the kind of guy you'd like to meet and go where you think he would hang out. And look for friends, not relationships. People who are clearly looking for a relationship with Mr. Right can be a little scary to the average person!
Tom, I've found online gay dating to be discouraging but I don't think this is the first time you and I have had this discourse! In my experience, for some reason there aren't many guys on these sites (at least where I live). It makes me wonder if there aren't that many gay guys or if they are just hiding out there. As far as services go, I don't know. I have a straight female friend who used a professional in-person matchmaking service and it worked brilliantly for her. I have wondered if they would be an option for me, but I don't live near a major city which makes it harder. I am going to try to meet men by just trying to meet more people. Like Choirboy said, I think the biggest thing is just looking for friends and seeing what comes of that. People get to know me from day-to-day experiences, not an online profile version of myself. The first time I tried gay dating two years ago, I think I was chomping at the bit for Mr. Right, and that was a little off-putting. Sorry they haven't worked for you. You aren't the only one!
Hi, Biggest place for me to meet people is work, but I am not "out" at work. Couple of reasons for that; a) still in 90 days of being hired, b) I have a very close straight friend at work who is also within his 90 days of hire. Yes there are laws, but I am in no position to quibble about food on the table, roof overhead. I do not trust straight society as they are a dangerous breed. Some pretty small minded people where I work. e.g. Employer set up food pantry for working poor amongst the staff and members of staff COMPLAINED about it a) being there, b) staff would have the gall to eat from it. I did pipe up when I heard these remarks saying there were hidden hungry, working poor and that I volunteered to cook hot meals for the poor and that they would be shocked. So with small minds about poverty at work I am not risking sexuality. Not a lot of venues for me but I am open. Tom
I've a friend of mine who has invested a good deal of time and energy into developing relationships with sites like ******...3 looked promising...all backed out at crunch time, and actual date. All 3 had lied in one form or another, either by using a false picture, 2 were married, and general misinformation. I've no trust in them at all after what he's been through. The person is a stable professional, and to say he's handsome is to damn him with faint praise. I know nothing about matchmakers, but would assume like all personal services somewhat expensive. I could be wrong. Let us know what you find out.
I'd be curious too. In my former life I'd dated women I met through school/work, my work situation is vastly different at the moment so that's a relative no go. I don't have an active social life, have few friends I associate with regularly a local pub I go to on occasion and that's pretty much it which has left me to the apps/sites. At least in my area there is no shortage for people on these site but it's a very different world. Many are closeted, most are looking for one thing only and the rest it's a weed through process only to find many were leading you on or just after the one thing they never had the nerve to just come out and say in the first place. I've talked with a few who seemed like decent guys but in exchanging emails/messages it seemed we had little in common but contact ended pretty maturely. For the most part as I've mentioned elsewhere recently mostly it's ended in disappointment and frustration. While I'm fairly new to all of it I've all ready collected a number of stories of false promises, fake pictures, no shows etc. but I'm incredibly stubborn lol so I keep going. It would be nice if there was an easier avenue.
Just to chime in: A lot of us are in the same situation. I don't think there's an easy answer. I'm doing my best to meet people -- and will continue to do so. Haven't met my "crowd" yet, but not giving up, either. In any event, tomorrow I decided to hang out with some old friends. I'm not out, they're all straight -- and I love them. So I'm spending time with them because I love them -- and I plan to have a good time. I think obsessing over what I lack in life won't fix the problem -- so I'm going to spend time doing something I know I'll enjoy.
I actually knew someone who used a gay matchmaker. They were pleased, but it seemed like from what they said that they were remarkably expensive.
Liars in the gay world!!?? OMG (ha, ha, ha) The destruction of trust in the teen years has had a profound affect on the individual and gay culture. How we interact with society and each other is all tied to trust issues. Dating; No shows, yup. Sexual predators, yup. Liars, yup. Along with the guys who open with "How kinky are you?", yup. I am not naive, this happens in the straight world too. It is a matter of ratios. 100% failure to meet a decent person on gay dating sites or in gay bars in over a year speaks volumes. Tom
Do you ever think that maybe there is something you are putting out there that is drawing these sort of results? I mean, at least here, you do seem rather negative about the whole venture. I understand how it would make someone bitter but, well I just kind of wonder... I mean I've met a lot of great guys in gay bars--never tried dating sites but... Anyway, it just seems like you paint gay guys with a pretty broad brush and I do sometimes wonder when reading your posts if that might have something to do with the results you are having. Obviously I don't know anything about you other than what you post here so I may be way off base...
Hi, Negative view? Yes, but it is based in my experience. I know some great gay guys but they are partnered. Keep in mind my age group... At age 56 it appears anybody capable of finding and maintaining a relationship has a partner. On some of the dating sites they ask "longest relationship?" And I routinely saw 50 year old gays reporting "under a year". My history is very different. To me dating somebody for less than year is not a "relationship". To me it says "limited relationship skills". Could I be projecting negativity? Sure. But I have sat in bars, had nice chat with the guy beside me, only for them to whip out their phone to show me pictures of the last hot guy who serviced them in the bathroom. Why the heck they think their last conquest matters to me is beyond me. Unless it is "look this great looking guy found me worthy". Yeah, I have had a slew of bad experiences in gay venues. All my good experiences occurred outside gay venues. Nobody wishes I had better experiences than me.
Hi Skiff, don't give up. So I tried a very popular bright coloured app, actually got lucky with one guy, in the end it wasn't working for him, but after a few months we caught up again, you can all guess the app in question and most people the question is are you up for it, usually with my reply thanks but you aren't my type. I did start chatting to another guy and well after a few months I think he was getting itchy for some play time and thought I was going to give up, well we had a play but we are still chatting 7 months later, the 2nd guy isn't relationship material but always nice to have someone you can share your experiences with and or your photos. So I tried another online website, I won't mention it here; the premise is hooking up for sex but I have met a few very nice guys; none that have turned into relationship but you could say I have a few friends with benefits pity they don't all live close enough. But from this website 2 guys suggested another gay mens group, one was primetimers, who are active in the US, you just need to check your local area, and their is another Australian only one. It depends on your region. The last 2 groups are friendship groups so don't go looking for sex straight up but you might be able to develop a friendship that might lead to something else. Also remember I moved to another part of the country so I had to start from scratch which kind of helps in a way, I did have a few friends less than 4 which I catch up with only about once a month and I took up a sport which grows your group of friends, the group of 4, only 1 knows I am gay but it isn't discussed, and the sport group well I have no plans to tell them I am gay any time soon, and I am happy to have a stress free friendship with that group.
Hi, Prime timers in my area are in their late 70-80's. I attended one event (pot luck). Being over 20 years younger I was the center of attention (unwanted). Then to my luck another elderly guy showed up with a 40 year old in tow. He became the center of attention and I was unburdened of the role. After a bit he was looking at me with that "help me" look but there was nothing I could do. I later learned the guy who brought him had flown him over from Ireland. That one event I had my fill of lonely elderly gays with walkers, canes and hearing aids. Thanks for the suggestion though.
See I don't think it's behaviour that's exclusive to gay men at all. I think it's it the behaviour of many men in general it just seems to get amplified in certain gay circles. When I was 100 % closeted I chalked up any behaviour I found rude or offensive to 'what do I expect', but since I've come around on my outlook in most situations I don't see how I could've give off any sort of a negative vibe. A few quick examples. 1: the first guy I actually went on a date with: we talked for hours over coffee actually being there til close. Continued the conversation when he drove me home and discussed going out again. I heard nothing for days and when I contacted him I was told he was put off by the fact that I didn't put out. 2: I met another guy from a small site who lives about a block away from me. We chatted exchanged emails/texts for a bit and pictures before we agreed to meet. When meeting him it became apparent his picture had to have been ten years old. He'd completely lied about his age/weight/hair etc etc not exactly a good starting point. 3: another guy I met and went out. I explained by newly 'out' situation and he was awesome. Literally said the right thing every step of the way and was very attractive. We talked on the phone I went over for a drink. Some stuff happened but I drew a line and he continued to say every right thing. We kept talking a few times away usually via text and then I received a message from him on the dating site clearly he'd lost track of my online persona as he said me the exact same message copy and pasted that I'd first gotten from him. And the list goes on. I am sure there are great guys out there (because I like to think I am lol) even in the online world.
I forgot... I dislike the connotation of "silver" anything, or "daddy" anything. I do have friends in their mid-later 30's and we are friends with none of that unhealthy stuff. We are just friends. I realize from them age does not matter after some point as long as it is healthy/equals. But guys who seek out paternal roles with youth for sex... Not me.
Each area will be different, this group seems to be in the 60s and 70s, one had a cane and I am sure 2 or more had hearing aids, but for me it was a starting point. Once you get your head around those 2 words then its worth taking another look, more than you realized were married and only later in life discovered another side of themselves that they decided to explore. Set your limits on who can contact you. Yeah I had a meeting like that, although it was quicker, I hadn't even finished my coffee and he said I guess I wasn't interested. Guys tend to lie about 3 things, age, weight and name. That is what you need to keep telling yourself, people are out there a lot are not going to be your type and or your interests will be different.
