How to refer to your love interest whilst in your wife’s presence?

Hi Folks

As some of you know I came out to my wife just over a year ago, she had no idea but was very supportive and within an hour had decided that we should try and stay together in an open marriage with me having a sort of friends with benefits arrangement but not looking for a LTR. My wife thought that the “Closed Loop” arrangement with another openly gay married guy would be best because it would reduce the chance of me getting into a LTR with him. To be honest I have not found any other married gay guys in this position so I will have to perhaps look at gay couples who are occasionally looking for a third for friendship and fun. I know many of you will say that an open relationship is doomed to fail, but for now I am willing to give it my best shot since my wife is not in the least interested in looking for another partner.

I decided to give my wife a 1 year getting used to me being gay before meeting guys, and have yet to do so. I have resisted the urge to go out and have fun, even though she said she was ok with it, out of respect for my wife but have now reached a point where I have become more depressed than I previously was and I need real life gay friends and intimacy.

We have been away on holiday recently and my wife has told me that although she knows, and accepts, that I’m gay she would rather me not checkout guys in her presence. She had accused me of checking out some guys, who I didn’t check out, and missed the actual guys I was checking out because I have tried to be discreet. We even openly discussed guys she thought were gay and whether or not they she thought they would be my type, she also claimed to have noticed more gay couples, so I feel more confident that she is in a position to have a mature discussion about moving forward.

I plan this weekend to raise the subject of me going to a regular support group at the LGBT centre in Manchester to start to meet guys in a “controlled” social environment and hope this will lead to her eventual acceptance of me meeting guys socially on an individual basis as a stepping stone to a FWB arrangement. I also hope to persuade her to go to Manchester Pride at the end of next month, possibly with our gay next-door neighbours.

At the moment I want to avoid discussing with her my eventual full blown Friends-with-Benefits arrangements, even though she had previously agreed to it, but I do think I need to work out the language, i.e. what do I call my love interest – boyfriend, lover, fuckbuddy, special friend etc., and rules of engagement i.e. how much does she want to know about who does what to who etc. I have read that the 30% of open relationships that do work are based on open and honest disclosure within some sort of framework.

I would appreciate any feedback from those of you who are still married and possibly in a loose open relationship how you refer to your love interest without upsetting your wife too much as I realise this will be a very emotive subject.

Thanks in anticipation


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