Out vs. Out

Interesting question,

I have often taken the position that it is better to come to that conclusion on one's own. It is entirely possible to do so, given sufficient self-reflection, especially with regard to sexual fantasy.

My main objection to trying it out is rather simple: you're dealing with another human being, and this person should not be someone's testing ground. You're playing with someone else's feelings and these can be unpredictable.

 

I was path # 2. I have been exploring since my mid-20's, but have not been able to affirm being gay until April this year. In fact, I ignored, repressed and refused to entertain the idea of affirmation.

I'm not sure if any way is preferable. Some of it may go hand in hand. I only wish I had felt free to affirm my orientation much much earlier.

This could be an interesting conversation for us later in lifer's

 

I have no idea which is preferable, either. But add me to the #2 category.

A few years ago (right after a birthday, as a matter of fact), I realized I had to give it a try and find out for sure. I got my answer. And now that I know, I don't want to explore any more -- I want to share a relationship. If that doesn't happen, I'll build a meaningful single life -- or continue to build a meaningful single life, I suppose...

 

Don't know if one is preferable, but I'm #1. Albeit very early in the stages of #1, or soon to be #1, depending on how you define it — I've been "out to myself" for many years, and I'm thinking about coming out to some friends within the next week or so...even though I've never so much as kissed another guy, let alone done anything sexual. I'm just glad to know there are other #1's out there, it seems like #2 is the much more common path.

 

Put me in category #1.

Even as I've affirmed that I'm gay (much as greatwhale has said, I personally think that plan #2 is unfair to your potential partner - they're human, not your laboratory for experimentation) I've still not had sex with a guy - not a soul finds me attractive and I'm likely to spend the rest of my life alone, but that's irrelevant here. I identify as gay even having had no experience - simply put, my sexual fantasies do not involve women and never have. So I can be certain that I'm gay without subjecting some poor unfortunate woman (and this is in no way meaning to demean people that thought that they were straight when they married their opposite-sex partner) to my experiments and playing with her mind, thinking that the person that she loved was in any way capable of loving her the way that she deserves and needs.

 

I'm category #1...knew for a number of years before I even thought about putting myself out there...don't know if either way is better than the other...think it's got to be a personal choice

 

Hi,

I was neither of those paths...

My path was always self protection. I never had shame at being gay or needed affirmation but I saw the damage society inflicted on gay individuals and gay culture and avoided it.

I am still in protection mode... I have a very close friend who I work with. If he was gay it would be one thing, but he is straight. I know the damage of being labeled gay and me being out at work would affect HIM. It would put a friend I love in harms way and I cannot do that.

At least that is what my societal paranoia tells me. I was a teen in the 70's and do not trust society to do the "right thing" regardless of politically correct lip service.

I most likely have an exaggerated sense of this but rather safe than sorry.

Example; I wear a Nantucket woven cord bracelet which I bought for myself in a Salem MA soveigner shop. (Evidently gays where silver bracelets)



A work associate put his finger on the bracelet and said " a little effeminate, your aunt give it to you?" I simply told him where I got it and that I had bought it for myself. I finished off with "it goes great with my pearls" in a sarcastic tone.

That was from a 20 something in liberal MA. You never know.

Tom

 

This is something I've been struggling with lately. I feel like I'm leaning more toward #1 as the path I plan to take. I feel sure of my attractions to women and while it's possible actual experience could change that it seems unlikely. I am trying to steer clear of men, however, as I feel at this stage I'd be a ticking time bomb in both of our lives. I have no interest in casual sex with either gender, so "experimenting" for me would likely involve at least some level of emotional involvement, and that seems like a bad idea. I guess for now I'm just trying to feel more at ease and certain of my orientation myself before sharing with too many others. I feel like in the near future I may start sharing these feelings with those close to me even if I still am a little unsure, however. I'm starting to near the implosion point so many seem to talk about here.

 

Everyone's experience and path is different, and there is no one surefire way to deal with this, however...

Because it's a two-way street, you're also allowing them to play with yours. Having feelings of shame and inadequacy because you can't make it work with the opposite sex is not the best prelude to trying it with people you're actually attracted to. The only way it may makes sense is in a statistical/probabilistic manner, if you really have no clue you are not hetero.

Voting for option 1 in case it's not obvious :icon_wink

 

I'm in camp #1. There was never really any question that I was gay, only whether or not I could accept it. I had quite enough fantasies and attractions to men, and way too few to women, to be anything else. There was never any question of having to do it with a guy to know for sure--I knew damn well. And being really compulsively monogamous, I'd have a hard time "exploring my sexuality" with multiple partners anyhow, so things have worked out exactly the way they should have. Even better, actually.

 

Most definitely in camp no. 1. In fact I have been going through a massive period of self-reflection about this very thing in the last month of two. Like several of you have already said the honest truth is I have always known I was gay - it was just accepting it and saying it to the world which was the issue. Since outing myself to pretty much everyone 3 years ago, my life has changed hugely for the better on so many levels. My personal self-growth has been exponential now I have at last banished 'elephant in the room'. BUT have still not had sex or any form of physical intimacy with a man - even although I am now very much ready to. Do i just go on gay dating sites or apps and hook up with some-one random to experiment with what I like or don't like sexually? Or do i wait for Mr. Right? My current conclusion is that I just stay true to myself. So when I was pretending to be straight I would not just hook up with women for sex. Relationships (with both serious girlfriends that i have had) are about connections, honesty, intimacy. This is as true now that I am 'out' as it was back then.
My path will continue to be to keep seeking out ways of meeting and socialising with gay men (intelligent, thoughtful gay men) and if stuff happens it happens but through getting to know, respect and love someone - not through have random sex with them..
So yep my vote is camp no.1

 

I'm gay. No doubts. No desire to "explore". I know who I am and that's enough right now.

 

In my experience path two can just ad to the problems. That was the go to answer I got from pretty much everywhere when I began to try to clarify my sexuality. It was even suggested to me by a therapist.

The thing for me was that when you obsess/fantasize you build something up in your head that's not often realistic. That's what happened to me-it was underwhelming which continued the cycle of questioning but didn't stop the fantasies and thoughts that were regularly present.

If you're searching to explore the answers likely they're already there. I don't imagine there are many people that can truthfully say 'I tried it and found out I wasn't gay'.

Ultimately without much experience and the little being disappointing I came to the realization. Well rather opened my eyes to what was clear all along.

 

I was/am on path #2.
Looking back my "gay" tendencies started around 14 or so - caught myself staring at cute guys in the swimming pool - speedos were my obsession. I didn't consider myself gay for many years - even though I knew what I was attracted to.
After university I became more and more curious and "experimented" on a few occasions.