1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Wife forced me to tell the children

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Pete1970, Jul 26, 2014.

  1. Pete1970

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 30, 2013
    Messages:
    318
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Connecticut
    So the other night, me and my wife went out to dinner as we do ince a week. It went well, no fights or tension or anything.

    When we got home she went for a wlak and was gone 2 hours. I was doing some laundry downstairs and she came home like a bull in a china shop.

    Keep in mind this is 10:30 at night. She demanded right in front of the kids that i tell them what our problem has been. So i basically had no choice but to tell them. They didnt really say much about it, my son was quiet, my daughter seemed to take it better.
    She also demanded that we talk about the fuure right then at 10:30, didnt care that it would ruin the next day when we were going to visit a coolege for my son the next day or that we were going to a baseball game that he basically said was the only thing he was looking forward to all summer.

    I was so pissed that she would force me to do this when i wasnt ready and that it would ruin my son's day. And that she would do it in this manner, it would have been better if we discussed when and how we would do it instead of her being in a drunken rage.

    At least the bright side is that i dont have to keep it secret from them anymore and she has nothing to hold over my head anymore
     
  2. greatwhale

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2013
    Messages:
    6,582
    Likes Received:
    413
    Location:
    Montreal
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey Pete,

    This was a really shitty way to do what had to be done. As you said, at least it's done and it was probably the only way she could handle it and to keep things unbalanced, which I've come to the conclusion is almost a necessary path to redemption.

    I've had this kind of nonsense as well, glad to be away from it, as will you!
     
  3. Pete1970

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 30, 2013
    Messages:
    318
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Connecticut
    She also told them it was my fault that she had her affair and it was my fault that she spends alot of time away from home. It may be my fault, but did she really have to paint me out to be the bad guy and be 100% my fault?
     
  4. greatwhale

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2013
    Messages:
    6,582
    Likes Received:
    413
    Location:
    Montreal
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Infuriating! What an example of taking responsibility to set for the kids!
     
  5. likethewind

    likethewind Guest

    Wow. That's really sad to hear.

    It's understandable that a spouse would be upset/angry/depressed/etc. to find out their partner is gay. But I've heard enough stories (some online, 3 guys I've met) to know that almost every separation keeps the kids' interest first.

    I'm sorry for your experience, and I pray you can repair the damage done to your children. Sounds like it would be nearly impossible to reconcile anything with your wife at this point. I'll keep you in my good thoughts...
     
  6. Pete1970

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 30, 2013
    Messages:
    318
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Connecticut
    Sorry for these scattered posts,

    As some here know, we have been working on trying to stay together, but her actions lately make it seem like she doesnt but wants to blame me.

    She says i have to be the one to always iniatiate contact, its not her job.

    She has a secret second cell phone that she talks to 2 of her old? boyfriends. She says she needs people to talk to. She has plenty of friends to talk to she doesnt need to talk to exs'. She says its the same thing as me being on here or going to a support group. Really? Thats the same as talking to people you used to have sexual relations with? I told her i dont trust her 100% because of this and she says there is nothing she can do about it and it is my issue not to trust her. There is something she can do, try not talking to them.

    The double standards are just maddening.
     
  7. likethewind

    likethewind Guest

    Sounds very complicated. Good luck.
     
  8. scub

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 21, 2014
    Messages:
    104
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    sorry to say (and bluntly), but staying together will likely never work out. you can patch things up for a little while, but rarely will it ever work long term. why bother wasting each other lives when clearly neither of you are probably happy? or are you? when you get much older you'll likely look back and have realized that you blew away most of your life with someone you had no connection with, and constantly fighting over this. seems to complicated to be happy in the long run. just my 2 cents. GL.
     
  9. Richie.

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 17, 2013
    Messages:
    546
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Birmingham UK
    A women scorned is a scary woman IMO. They will do whatever they can to get the upper hand, she had control taken away from her, and she did the same to you. Revenge . Petty

    I think you should sit your kids down away from your wife and talk to them tell them you didn't want to shock them tell them you never didn't tell them to keep secrets but to tell them at the best possible time and to tell them this doesn't effect your relationship with them, but will enhance it in time. If you haven't already.

    We are here for you Pete. Your wife was out of order.

    Peace x

    ---------- Post added 26th Jul 2014 at 04:14 PM ----------

    I agree with scub but that's my personal experience
     
  10. Rose27

    Rose27 Guest

    Pete- My ex did the same. It hurts. Still does. It's partly about taking back the power she feels she has lost. If you don't have a lawyer get one. Quietly. Be polite to her. Even if your angry don't say or do anything she can use against you. If you have not moved out don't until your lawyer advises it. Helps w/custody. Be strong. Your kids will be ok. So will you. (*hug*)
     
  11. looking for me

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2014
    Messages:
    3,791
    Likes Received:
    869
    Location:
    on the Rock, Newfoundland and Labrador
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Bub, you need to get out. her affair is reason enough for divorce, unless you have been playing away from home too. so you went out to dinner then she went out alone and came home drunk? that would be a real problem for me on top of the forced coming out.

    your kids seem pretty grown so they should be ok after awhile, you would know better about them than I, obviously. have a chat with them singly or together and see how they really feel and really listen to them.

    my case has some similarities in that she blames me for everything, she's the one who took the overdose, but its my fault. etc. i feel for you, i really do. now that everything is out in the open, you need to chart a course for you and your kids. she's an adult and can chart her own with the kids. you BOTH need to keep the kids as the priority, as i am sure you know.

    all the best
     
  12. Rose27

    Rose27 Guest

    Pete- Too late to edit my post. I'm sorry if I came off as cold. I understand what you are going thru. Your priority is your kids and your sanity. Which she will test. As looking for me stated if you have not cheated her affair is enough to file for divorce. Many lawyers have a free 30 minute consult. Find one you feel comfortable with that matches your values and what you want. I'm not saying rush out to file for divorce but you want to be prepared for whatever comes up. Then you are not doing it all in a fear based panic-rush. Been there.
    Keep posting. Take care.
     
  13. Choirboy

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 21, 2013
    Messages:
    1,672
    Likes Received:
    427
    Location:
    Wisconsin
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Rotten that she forced you to tell them, but I have to tell you, it's been easier for me with them knowing. I told the oldest the day after I told my wife (and she was pissed as hell that I did it), and the youngest several months later under different circumstances, but having them both knowing has lessened a lot of the stress at home. We're to the point where we compare notes on which guys we think are hotter on TV shows, which is fun albeit really, really strange on some levels! It also defuses some of my wife's occasional wrath, because there really aren't a lot of secrets anymore.

    Latest one is that the rumor mill is hitting overtime in our neighborhood (and our small town) that I'm gay, and there are additional strange stories that I'm kicking my wife out and emptying the bank account. She mentioned one rumor a few weeks ago and asked how she should respond, and I said "Tell 'em! Fight rumors with the truth. I'm ready for this to be public anyhow." And surprisingly enough, she has. It's wonderful having fewer and fewer people to filter this from (if any).

    Be strong, Pete. Bullies melt if you fight back. You can do it.
     
  14. CameronBayArea

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 10, 2014
    Messages:
    83
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    SF Bay Area
    Gender:
    Male
    Out Status:
    A few people
    My wife made some bad decisions which played a pivotal role in the unraveling of our marriage. She felt these decisions were justified because of my sexuality (not because of my actions).

    When I'd finally had enough of her antics, and it was time to tell our kids (11, 13, 17) that we were separating, my wife was eager to blame me. In her eyes, my sexuality had totally undermined our marriage. I didn't see it that way. Sure, it was an issue, but I wanted to work things out and stay monogamously married. My wife's actions, on the other hand, were totally destructive.

    Fighting about fault could easily have turned nasty. Had that happened, the kids would have been stuck in the middle. Not only would they have lost the family they had, but the bitterness could easily have made for a lifetime of acrimony between my wife and I, which would've forever affected them. So, for my kids' sake, I stepped up and took full responsibility for everything. I actually didn't even given my wife a chance to blame me. I told the kids on my own.

    That was 3.5 years ago.

    Well, guess what? Now my ex and I have an excellent relationship...while the kids have no respect for her - not because the full extent of her decisions ever came out - but because my wife hasn't been able to hide who she really is.

    She tried dogging me to make herself look better but that totally backfired. She turned the kids off by doing it. She looked especially bad because I did the opposite. I would only say positive things about her and encouraged the kids to do the same. Basically, I tried to model positive, loving and supportive behavior whereas my wife showed herself to be shallow, selfish and mean.

    When we moved apart, my wife individually lobbied each of the kids to stay with her. That was the last straw for them. As proof of their disgust, they all chose to live with me, full-time.

    I didn't think about this at the time, but in retrospect, my decision to take all the blame empowered me to leave shame behind. I stood tall and did the right thing for my kids and family. I'm proud of what I did and that's carried through in how my kids see me. It's turned out to be way more important to them than my sexuality.

    It might seem counter-intuitive, but accepting full responsibility for the demise of my marriage was one of the best decisions I've ever made. That said, I have no idea if doing the same would make sense for anyone else. Every situation is different.
     
  15. Damien

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 29, 2014
    Messages:
    1,246
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Australia.
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I really feel for you, Pete. This is one of those challenging times in life. But like the soldiers in the trenches, who had to endure constant danger, wet feet, rats and so many things, what they had in spades was friendship - they had each other, and that would see them through. So I hope that we at ec, and also any men you can meet in real life, can give you the lift you need, to get through this challenging time. I know it's not easy. Hope your kids are managing ok, by the way. I fully understand not wanting to dump things on them, I was the same. Over and over I would ask my ex to please not bring up difficult topics in front of the kids. That's why I say, I do know how you feel. It's hard. But with the strength of community, we can all get through such challenging times, just like soldiers in the trenches, this battle (for your natural rights) is not yours alone... others can relate.

    Damien. (*hug*)
     
  16. GayDadStr8Marig

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 2014
    Messages:
    513
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Wisconsin
    Pete, what a horrible thing your wife decided to do to your kids. They deserve to be treated with respect for their feelings about how to get this kind of information about their parents. Dropping a bombshell on them in the middle of the night -- the night before a college scouting trip no less -- is just cruel to the kids, not to mention you. Well, stepping back, your son will soon be off to college so "kid" isn't the best term for him; the way she handled the disclosure as forcing you into some kind of "shameful confession" damages his young adulthood sensibilities about how to trust his parents and how to treat people respectfully.

    Regarding her take that you caused her to have an affair... how exactly can you as the gay husband cause her to do something with another man? Unless someone is physically and mentally incapacitated and induced into performing a sex act with someone, then there's that "little" element of free will that trumps the "why" behind the decision. The "why" she chose to have slept (sleeps?) with someone else while trying to latch onto your marriage is irrelevant .... that was her decision in reaction to learning she's married to a gay man.

    In some ways though I envy your position now in that your kids no and there's nothing left to hide. My kids' mom does not believe they need to know and that they're too young to understand right now (almost 9 and 11, sighs... eyes rolling). I'd much rather at least have some basic discussion about how there are different types of families and not everyone has a mom and dad at home. They already have friends with a divorced parent or with blended families from divorce or adoption. The only thing they haven't experienced yet are parents from the gay side of the rainbow.

    Well, it's just a matter of time before they start questioning things. They've certainly heard enough "discussion" from her about me being gay, hiding it from her and myself, and now having a boyfriend. And they've witnessed how she gets accusatory with me and then promptly tells me to lose my "attitude" (which is almost always just answering whatever charged question she comes up with with facts as unemotional as I can manage).

    Oh well, the divorce is done. Six weeks to the move-out.

    Keep faith in yourself, stay strong and just be the best dad you can for your kids.

    -Richard
     
  17. Jim1454

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 13, 2007
    Messages:
    7,284
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Toronto
    I don't know how much your wife has really been 'working' on staying together. I'd guess not at all. I can't imagine continuing to live with someone like that. The toxic environment isn't going to be healthy for your kids. I'm convinced that kids are better off with happy, well-adjusted parents that live apart than miserable unhappy parents that still live together.

    So, as has already been mentioned, quietly get in touch with a lawyer and understand what your options are. Take their advice.

    But I would certainly be on a path to leave - gay or not.
     
  18. Pete1970

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 30, 2013
    Messages:
    318
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Connecticut
    Thanks everyone for the support and advice.

    I have tried to be understanding and respectfull to her, i guess it was too much to expect a little of the same from her.
     
  19. Damien

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 29, 2014
    Messages:
    1,246
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Australia.
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    By remaining like that you actually stay 'in your power'. I'm not a follower of his in particular, but I like what the Dalai Lama says, that compassion is a sign of strength, not of weakness. So if someone is treating us badly, yes we ought to stand up for ourselves, and be assertive, but we don't need to repay them with what they give to us. If we remain true to our principles, even in the midst of such difficulty, well there's alot to be respected in that, and to my mind I feel 'protected' by that. So, I respect you for this. :slight_smile:
     
  20. quietman702

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 20, 2011
    Messages:
    385
    Likes Received:
    12
    Location:
    WV, USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    All but family
    Pete I'm astounded at your wife's antics! I'm proud of you for "trying to be understanding and respectfull" to her in light of it all. I wish you all the best and am humbled by your example.