Finally went to a gay venue.

I was finally freed up in terms of (ex) family obligations, and could go out on Saturday night. The place I chose is pretty famous in my city, and when I entered into the awesomely large and well-decked out dance area, there were these professional dancers on a stage at the front, doing their stuff - they were so good! The ways in which they moved...This, along with the laser lights shooting across a sort of hazy atmosphere, combined with a sea of folks dancing and otherwise making merry, made me feel like I'd just stepped into 'gay heaven'.

Anyway, as a 'new kid' who knew no-one, I determined that tonight was just going to be about dancing, I mean even back in my 'straight days' I wasn't the sort of person who would just meet a total stranger, and then 20 minutes later be shagging the hell out of them. I like to get to know someone a bit. So, I just tried not to stand out too much, found a spot where I was kind of near others who also seemed to be in it 'just for the joy of dancing', and just relaxed and got into the feel of it. I had a lot of fun, and I must admit that in general, I would say this venue was friendlier than any straight venue I have ever been to (not that I ever went to too many of those either, but I'm just saying). Anyway, I did notice I got checked out quite a few times (of course I was doing the same thing myself), and I suspect that a few times, there were some folks who wanted to sort of dance with me, but gosh I was too shy to assume that was the case, afraid on a visceral level that I might be mistaken, so I just assumed that them coming into closer proximity to me while dancing was just, some kind of coincidence. I really need to work on my confidence, I think.

Anyway all in all a very fun night. I can't wait to go back, will go much earlier this time so I can dance for longer...didn't want to stop. Oh and I had better mention how cute the bartenders were. Oh my friggin GOD. I think they hire them on purpose like that. Probably increases sales of alcohol. When I got tipsy I wanted to tell one of them how beautiful he was, but luckily I didn't. But a little more drunk and I probably would have.

I think that coming with a friend or a group of friends would be much more fun and enjoyable, but even going alone was more fun than I've had in ages. I think the more I go, the more comfortable I will get with the notion that maybe one or two of the folks who checked me out really did find me attractive, although as I said I have a lot of confidence building to do before I can meet someone's eyes in that moment.

I think I have spent too many years trying to be too 'good', not drinking a drop of alcohol, not letting loose enough. While I have no intention of becoming either loose in my morals, or of becoming one who drinks to excess, still, I think that once a week a bit of uninhibited revelry is just what this soul has been missing and it's going to do me some good. I need to just have some fun for a change. The halo can with till the next life.

 

Thank you

 

They had bears guarding the doors, and twinks pouring the drinks. It was fun to see some of the archetypal character types of the gay world, even if, as I've been told, it's unlikely I will find the love of my life in this way. I'm aware that it's basically just some good fun - but nothing wrong with that, I've decided.

aww thank youuu...

You just reminded me, that there was a straight girl - ironically we ended up speaking, because like her I was annoyed that the music had stopped (she actually kept dancing with no sound at all for a while, in a sort of 'defiance of closing time'). Anyway she told me she was out with friends of hers, and I thought "well even if I don't have any gay friends as yet, a straight girl might want to come along...possibly for the opportunity of being able to dance and essentially be left alone by guys for the entire night..."

---------- Post added 27th Jul 2014 at 01:03 PM ----------

aww thanks...yea it was fun.

 

Aww thank you *blows kiss*

---------- Post added 27th Jul 2014 at 01:50 PM ----------

I'm not the world's most attractive guy. But what I have decided is to stop sabotaging myself by assuming that just because I have such terrible self-doubt, that everyone else sees me in the same way. In my experience: do I get less attention that better looking folks? Yes, of course I do. But that doesn't mean I get no attention. I'm just saying, that you just don't know when someone is going to find you attractive in real life. Looking back over my quite limited love life, I would say that despite my unusual appearance, most of my lovers - and the guys who made 'offers' back when I was straight, which I spurned at the time - were all better looking than me (or is that just a subjective value judgement on my part??). And yet there was something about me that appealed to them! So how can you assume that no-one would want to see your body 'get it's groove on'? I'm sorry but you just don't know that for sure...

Damien

 

Ah, I see, you are lucky then, because dancing ability is easily improved...in my case, I would not have been able to do it without the gin and tonic, although next time I'm stopping at one or two. I've gotten this sort of 'delayed hangover' I always get. Next time, just one or two drinks to loosen away the inhibitions, and only water from then on.

---------- Post added 28th Jul 2014 at 10:13 AM ----------

To Storm, likethewind and Tudor, thanks for your encouragement, I will keep putting myself out there, once a week I've decided. Dancing is a healthy and safe activity, after all.

---------- Post added 28th Jul 2014 at 10:28 AM ----------

Thank you. If I could end this topic with one statement, it is that if I, Damien, with literally years and years of being inhibited and afraid of others' judgements, can learn this, so can anyone else who suffers from insecurity regarding their looks. Basically: we all come blessed with a certain level of 'good looks', or not, ok fair enough. But even so, this can still be a very subjective thing and can end up being tainted by our own harsh perceptions of ourselves, zeroing in on our 'flaws' without seeing our attractive points. So no one ought to go out *assuming* that
'no-one will ever find me attractive' because as I said, we can't control that. The reality is, some will, and some won't; that's how it is. It takes a bit of resilience to test it all out, but I've decided it's worth developing this resilience. If one person I'm drawn to doesn't like me, fine, I will move on and keep trying till I succeed. This kind of resilience, I've never had it, it's new to me, but I'm not getting any younger, I want to find someone with whom I can really connect; as far as I know I've just got this one life to live; and I want to be more easygoing about meeting people in general, and less worried about 'rejection'. If we get rejected, we can just move on.

I can hardly believe I am saying this, but I do believe it to be true, and a healthier attitude that the fear of taking risks, that i have dwelt in for so many years. And if I can do it, so can anyone else who feels insecure about their looks (from what I have read on ec I'm not the only one).

---------- Post added 28th Jul 2014 at 10:31 AM ----------

And finally: while the gay venue was a lot of fun, I am actually more excited about the 'gay meetup group' I've just joined, because really I've got more chance of meeting someone with similar interests etc there, than in a club, I mean we all know that...

 

Thank you and despite my shyness :icon_redf I will say I liked the pics of you and your lovely shoes you evidently have good taste...

---------- Post added 30th Jul 2014 at 06:05 AM ----------

Thank you, and as I said, if I can do it anyone can...seriously I feel as though my shadow, the helpful aspect of it I mean, just came in and said "right, enough of all your fear, enough of hiding yourself under a rock, it's not such a big deal to just dance, people do it every day, so f* it what anyone thinks and who cares anyway?" Hope it lasts but as long as it does I'm going with it.