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Married, a different possibility

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by globe, Jul 27, 2014.

  1. globe

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    One thing that I have been learning is that all possibilities are open, and that sometimes we think mostly in black or white and the reality many times doesn't work that way. Besides the sexual aspect, me and my wife live in harmony and enjoy the company of each other. I do not know if this could work but I am gaining the courage to tell my wife that I need sometime on my own to explore my sexual orientation. More or less an open relationship, but I do not know what would be her reaction. We live in a very conservative and small city, so I have the fear that she would tell other people about my sexual orientation. I already decided not to expose myself, so coming out directly to the community is out of question.
     
  2. Richie.

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    My wife told me we should have a break and to go off and explore my orientation, the reality it wasn't going to happen because I am gay and she is a woman, what your asking is you want to remain friends and housemates with your wife. At the age of forty.

    Another reason I came out was because I wanted my wife to be loved the way a woman should be loved and I knew that I couldn't provide that to her.
     
    #2 Richie., Jul 27, 2014
    Last edited: Jul 27, 2014
  3. Chip

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    Hi, Globe.

    I think most men in your position go through a phase similar to the one you're going thorugh... it's part of the "bargaining" stage of accepting the loss (of being straight) in a process that looks like denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance.

    Are there some who make it work long-term? Probably. Does it really work? Generally not. As Richie states, the issue is that your wife deserves someone who can really love her fully for who she is, which you can't do. And I get that it's totally scary to consider the possibility of the marriage ending, but in the long term, that's usually best, otherwise at best you sort of hold each other back, and at worst, you end up with one or the other getting jealous and things getting messy.

    I do feel like you need to tell her what's going on for you, and before you hook up with any guys... if your roles were reversed, you'd want (and deserve) the same courtesy.

    This isn't easy territory to navigate but talking about it is the best way to work through it. I also recommend Joe Kort's excellent "Ten Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love" which has almost nothing to do with finding real love, but everything to do with understanding and accepting yourself, and has a couple of chapters focused on men who are in heterosexual marriage that are well worth reading.

    In any case, I wish you the best and hope you'll continue to stick around.
     
  4. likethewind

    likethewind Guest

    A view from the other side:
    I had a relationship with a married guy. The guilt ate at me and I told him it couldn't continue. He came out to his wife, who offered him an open relationship. I had NO interest in being part of someone's open marriage. So we parted ways while we sort through our lives.

    If you're only looking for sex, I think it would work. Otherwise, there are too many emotions involved. Just my 2¢.
     
  5. Rose27

    Rose27 Guest

    Felt the same way.

    "Exploring" and moving out before you are legally divorced can have a big impact on custody of kids.
     
  6. globe

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    Really interesting, if just for sex it could work. I know some married guys who have this lifestyle and it works for them. But for more meaningful relationships things are not so easy, and to be honest I do not think it is fair to the people who date married gays expecting some sort of relationship.
     
  7. likethewind

    likethewind Guest

    Sorry, globe – I don't mean to say that my experience is typical. When we met, it was not for the intention of a relationship. But that's what happened…
     
  8. bottomsup

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    Its the breaking up and letting go, and not being young, the potentiall for mass depression as a result is high, as I would have torn everything up etc, the pain and the hurt keep me here. We both think or have accepted me to be gay, (unless she tricking me and waiting for me to change my mind, dont think she is she is not daft)
    She made ir harder by saying she is happy with just the small bit if me which is bisexual etc, we have young kids, so its busy and not much time for us. Really hard to consider this especially as I did dump her 20years ago, because I didnt want her, but couldn't face it and 14 years later we get back together and have three kids... She has suggested I go and experiment, but I tell her no, it will change things and we would not be together, so have shut the door on that. Whoops, but is for the best.
    She needs propper love, love I cant give to her, even though we do love each other.
    If thinking of experimenting in relationship , I think she has to be present, else were over anyhow. I cant cheat ever, and it has to feel right what im doing.
    Lol, the daily quandury...
     
  9. Freedomfighter9

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    I can totally relate to what your saying Globe, as when i was married to my husband for 6 years, i was the same, he suspected all the marriage but when i finally told him his first reaction was to ask me for this arrangement as you want with your wife....
    and though throughout the marriage; i definitely considered coming out to him fully (thus confirming his suspicions) and then asking him for an open marriage too.

    In the end as Richie says ; i knew he deserved to be with a straight woman who could give him a full relationship and not an arrangement where he was not completely fulfilled on every level.
    An in addition i knew i did not want to be shared between a marriage i did not belong in and a part time lover i wanted to be with fully.:eusa_naug
    I knew i would not and could not be happy with that.
    I know whats in your heart all to well; like me because you still have love and care for your spouse, ur hoping that even though its not in a romantic way you will be able to find love elsewhere and keep yourself tucked away from judgemental eyes of society.

    And yes you can do that, if she agrees, but i can put my hand on my heart and tell you if indeed you are truly gay;then you will never be satisfied with this arrangement, not forever anyway. Temporarily maybe, but if you fall in love on your travels, or she does, then someone will end up getting hurt in the crossfire.:icon_sad:

    Trust me i had no intention whatsoever of ever coming out to the world either, i swore blind id deny myself my entire life....and well for the most part i did. coz coming out at 30 was just such a waste of 30 years....but the solace was that once i did i came out completely, thn freed my husband to find someone who could love him fully, and released myself from a closeted miserable life.

    You deserved to be loved completely and fully in its entirety, having it part time through fear of ridicule will not any sort of life:eusa_naug
     
  10. skiff

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    Hey Chip,

    Is there something beyond "bargaining" the loss of straight?

    I would guess +80% of us knew lifelong we we were gay at some level, did not identify with stereotypical (minority) gay behavior, believed that the gay minority was all the gay scene offered and opted out, ending up married and hoping it would work.

    The failure of this opting out and being forced to acknowledge the alternative failed, creating a void. Opted out of gay scene, alternative hetero failed resulting in; "what the f$&k now?" sort of void.

    Is it bargaining or possibly a lack of options (not seeing them) in moving forward?

    I quit the gay scene after not finding stable guys (my bad luck) and after a long hiatus in marriage once again finding in the public gay venues only sex seekers, or unstable guys. It is as if the majority of stable gay men have withdrawn from the gay scene (or are partnered).

    I am not challenging that bargaining exists but why people find themselves bargaining vary greatly. Is clearly identifying why you went wrong more important than the bargaining itself?

    As for me... I am still running into bad luck in public gay venues and privately guys have no clue I am gay. This is a frustrating void. I have no clue how to proceed which leaves me bargaining that even though bars, online dating and gay venues fail me, I go back to them.

    Possibly a thread on the nature of bargaining and it's causes would be useful.

    Tom