Late Bloomer Embarrassment?

Well, I made a thread on the same subject. Some of the responses really helped me, but especially the answer that the more out you are, the more comfortable you are in your own sexuality, other people's disdain for a late coming out (if it materialises) just matters less. And your newfound confidence will dispel a good portion of any negativity.

 

I feel like a late bloomer , but I don't feel embarrassed just sad that I missed out on great relationships, I could of had with women. It makes me,feel so depressed that l can't be with someone I'm attracted to.:icon_sad:

 

Yes and no. I actually feel more stupid than embarrassed. Kind of like looking everywhere for your glasses and finding out they were on your head the whole time.

Not having told anyone yet, I can't recount any actual reactions but, for me/my people, I don't expect anything too terrible. If there is any disbelief, I will reply, "Do the math." - meaning: single, no kids, no relationship and still a fabulous catch. (OK, just threw that last one in for my sake).

Side story: my mother keeps pointing out people on tv, news etc, and saying, "Gay?". Not in a bad way. I think it's just an anti-alzheimer's game. I go along with it and sometimes throw in a "you can't know unless they tell you" just to keep it real.

As for taking so long, if any is impudent enough to ask, it's like that joke about the kid who didn't speak until he was 6 and then one day when his mother served mushy peas at dinner and he finally spoke. "Yuck, these are cold". His parent were overjoyed. "Why haven't spoken before now?". Kid replies, "Everything was alright up to now."

That's basically how it was for me. One day things were one way and ok, the next they were different and going to be ok.

 

I understand what you mean, but for me, I'm only embarrassed about my gender identity. There are reasons that people discover their sexuality later than the average age. For example, I had been around mean girls and boys throughout my school life that I was not attracted to, and the right girls finally came along, when I realized I was bi. I don't feel embarrassed about finding them finally. But the gender identity IMO seems like I should have known sooner because it is in our life every day pretty much, from using the restroom to picking out clothes for the day, etc. I feel like the average age for finding gender identity is younger than me. And before 2014, I didn't really know what transgender meant until I started researching it. I thought I was just some weird tomboy who wanted to go farther into masculinity than any of the others. And for just finding it out this year, when I've had signs of it my whole life, truly embarrasses me and makes me feel kinda ashamed.

 

Yes - it's tough. I had worked at my company for 8 or 9 years, was known as a married straight man with 2 kids. When I came out it was a bit of a surprise for a lot of people.

However, I didn't get any negative reactions.

I just said right up front that over time I became less and less happy with the life I was living and eventually figured out the reason. People seemed to accept that explanation and left it at that. I think most people are just happy that you're able to be honest with yourself and others about it.

It still feels a little awkward every time - I'll meet people and be talking about my husband, but then also be talking about my kids - and while gay couples do have kids, it isn't all that common. So people ask if we adopted, and I have to explain that no, we were both actually married to women before, and each have 2 children from those relationships. People might not get it, but it doesn't really matter. That's how my life unfolded, and I'm OK with that.

 

I can relate. I have only come out to those closest to me, I am married to a man currently. It was about two yrs ago I discovered my preference towards women. So about a year in I got this same feeling. The doubts that anyone will believe me. The why now's. It was so bad at one point I doubted it myself. But I finally confided in my best friend. She was very supportive. Didn't ask those questions I feared. Just said that she would love me no matter what. And said she always thought women wiuld be a better fit for me. So I decided to tell my brother and basically got a "well duh". I still have some fears about the big moments . My divorce and when I start dating women. I hace worked for a very large company for 10 yrs and everyone knows I am married to a man with two young girls.
Hopefully your thoughts of embarrassment will pass. Just remember you are not the first person that as came out late in life. As you can tell from this site. There are alot of us and we are here for you take care. There is nothing to be embarrassed about.

 

I'm 45! I know that how old one feels is a relative thing, but for me, your age is still quite 'young' so I don't see you as a 'late bloomer'. Yet, I know what you are getting at; there are many folks who are able to accept it in some sense, much earlier than ourselves. If I feel embarrassed it is because I hid it from myself, so yes, I can relate, actually. It occurred to me that deep down, I have always known about my sexuality. Things I have been getting in touch with, with the aid of talking about here on ec, well looking back, I wonder why I was not able to see them so clearly before. I have felt attraction to (certain) guys through my life. I have always looked longingly at some female clothing, not the dresses etc, but the tops, which I have always found more appealing than the mostly utterly boring offerings available for men. I actually just bought two recently. One is a black top which I might possibly get away with even in public, as it's basically a black shirt, but anyone looking closely will notice that it was designed for a woman. I've always felt a bit androgynous, not really identifying either as male or female - although recently, I've been connecting with a sort of 'female side' as well. So yes I do know what you mean...why did it take me so long? And how would I explain this to others? If they even ask, I will have to tell them about my denial, I think. That it was kind of always this way, but that I denied it even to myself. Although another part of me, wants to say that it's really none of their business, and that I don't owe them an 'explanation' at all. I will love who I want, I will wear whatever clothes I like, and I don't have to justify this to anyone at all, really. (I'm in one of my more 'stridently pro-lgbt phases, at present. My shame has temporarily disappeared. Who knows, maybe it's gone for good.) Part of me feels like, to hell with the straight world and it's lack of acceptance of me. They never seemed to accept me anyway. I never fitted in even when I thought I was straight. So now that I know I'm not, I feel like just leaving it all behind. Not just for romantic or sexual love, but even just for friendship, I increasingly wish for the company of other lgbt folk. I don't want to be 'normal', and as I said I'm not sure I need to give them (straight folks) any explanation at all. They can just deal with it.

Sorry if I sound a bit full-on. It's just where I'm at right now. I just think, power to all of us, and to hell with anyone who judges us. We - I mean the lgbt community as a whole - we are different, we deviate from the norm, and I think that's awesome. (I'm sorry I can't be more helpful...)

 

I agree with Damien. A part of me feels embarrassed about not knowing or telling before. And it makes me feel like I have to justify or, at least, explain my denial. How I was blind to the signs and didn't want to consider it either. It will be pretty embarrassing as it is possible that people knew before I did myself... That could be awkward: how can others know you better? But most people have blind spots, so I guess this was mine.

Yet another part of me thinks: f***k them! Being raised so strictly Christian and homophobic has been such a large part of my denial. Why give them the chance to hurt me again? If/when I come out, it will not be pretty. It might be better than I imagine (I generally imagine the most negative scenario) but it will still be all about being celibate and sinful etc. I'm sure they (parents) will be dissapointed and will not accept that I do intend to find a partner.

So still very much on the fence on coming out and everything that comes with it.

 

Hello,

I don't think age matters so much when you are in the process of coming out if you are coming out at a time that is right for you. Everyone is different with different experiences and backgrounds. I have a tendency for beating myself up over the fact that I'm 36 and have never had a relationship but maybe I need to remember that before now I wasn't ready for a relationship.

Have you been ready for a relationship before now but just been able to find anyone or was there another reason you left it until later in life to come out? I dont think you should feel embarased or ashamed of things that happened in the past but just look forward to a more positive future.

Molly x

 

@The storm inside
I don't think I'll find anyone , anytime soon but thanks for the encouragement .
I don't think your old you still have time .

 

embarrassed about coming out at this age...... no. i did what i had to do to get me here, i live with my decisions, i really have no choice do i? but knowing what i know now, i think i would be embarrassed not to move forward as a Bi sexual person at this point.

 

For myself, my sexuality has been extremely complicated. I label myself as bisexual because I have feelings for both sexes but it changes a lot. I could be in a relationship with either sex and all of a sudden want to be with opposite of that sex.

I sometimes feel like an idiot when I think that I'm married with kids...but to be honest, sexuality is really freaking confusing. Especially when you have had feelings for the opposite sex in the past. I don't think you should be too hard on yourself.

 

I don't feel embarrassed but feel sad for waiting so long and maybe missing so much.

 

Like Really, I felt more stupid than anything. Especially looking back and seeing the signs were all there, many of them. How could I not have realized this when I did everything I could to avoid sex with my husband at the time? These questions constantly plagued me, and eventually I had to accept that I wasn't ready before. I'm not sure why I wasn't ready, but I wasn't. No one really questioned why I realized so late. I told them that I realize I had always known on some level, but was in such deep denial that I had no idea until recently. Most people so far have accepted what I tell them, now whether they question it when I'm not there I don't know, but around me they have been very accepting.

 

I too feel stupid and sad.

 

Embarrassed is the perfect word to describe it. Not so much that it took so long though, more that I let myself internalize all the stuff that made it take so long.

I think it helps that I tend to accept that things can't happen any sooner than it is discovered that there is a thing to do. Kicking myself for not seeing it sooner is something I do, but it doesn't last very long.

 

I'm not embarrassed — but I don't like spending time thinking about things I can't change. All that energy can be used for better purposes — like figuring out what I want to do at this point! Trust me: that's a big enough issue for right now.

Maybe I'll feel different next week, but I'm at peace with where I am right now...