1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

I suffer from depression.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Damien, Jul 31, 2014.

  1. Damien

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 29, 2014
    Messages:
    1,246
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Australia.
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I have been emboldened by the honesty of certain other members here, regarding struggles with their own minds, to come out of denial - denial to myself, not to all of you - that I have a problem with depression. I'm happy admitting this now. I admitted it to myself about a week ago, and I'm now admitting it here on ec. Yes every day can be a struggle for me. Especially at present, as I can't see my usual consellor for a month or two (have to wait to get the funding for this again). The encouragement, support, and advice I've received here at ec has been life-changing. I've learned so much about myself, and this continues. And over the last week, I decided that I would disclose something else I just realized - I've got a battle just to get through each day. I'm not a useless person. I believe I have much to contribute to society, and will do so when I get the opportunity. But I suspect that being very much under-employed for the last few years, has resulted in me getting in a kind of a 'rut' personally. I lost most of my social life after I broke up with my now ex about seven years ago. I then lost most of my employment as well. I ended up being quite socially isolated.

    I have days of feeling very positive indeed. I've shared some of these here at ec too. But right now, well I'm ok, I'm just down - like many of us who struggle regularly with our own minds. But I will get through, I always do. I'm a survivor, I don't ever give up on life. I see the amazing richness and beauty of life, and I wish to partake of it more fully, too. Getting in touch with my sexuality - which ec has helped me so much with - is a huge positive for me, and from my heart, I thank everyone and anyone who has helped me with this. There is, of course, much more to do, but what an interesting journey it is. I don't feel ashamed of my sexuality right now. What is troubling me is social isolation, and my own mind. The fact that I need to battle just to do some of the ordinary things in life. I have so many dreams I wish to fulfill...yet life, despite it's amazing richness and beauty, can be difficult for me, in the sense that I have to interact with a highly competitive society, where the strong thrive, and those less 'tough' or should I say, less resilient in dealing with others, can get kind of pushed to one side. But I won't give up. Sometimes I sort of barricade myself in to a fortress of isolation to cope, but I won't ever give up totally. Although some folks who know me in real life think I have, due to my finances and personal situation. But they don't know what I dream of. They don't know that I intend to live this life more fully and richly then ever before. Lately I have made some progress with this, too...so I will say, an interesting journey, but not an easy one, that's the life I've been leading.

    Thank you for reading.
     
    #1 Damien, Jul 31, 2014
    Last edited: Jul 31, 2014
  2. likethewind

    likethewind Guest

    Hi Damien. I haven't struggled with depression, but I have faced other big health challenges over the years. I don't want to pretend to have all the answers, but one grace I've gained from having lived through difficult times is the realization that I can live through anything. And there's something very empowering about that.

    Please know I will keep you in my good thoughts and prayers.
     
    #2 likethewind, Jul 31, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 31, 2014
  3. Damien

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 29, 2014
    Messages:
    1,246
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Australia.
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thank you :slight_smile: Sorry can't say too much else for now...life is mad sometimes. I feel like a certain piece of music by Chopin - devastatingly sad yet also with a kind of ecstatic beauty. I drew the 'intense and painful, yet blissful and amazing' straw when they were handing out lives.

    ---------- Post added 1st Aug 2014 at 11:50 AM ----------

    [YOUTUBE]h1JxTDGxZ6s[/YOUTUBE]This piece of music expresses how I feel better than words can.
     
  4. likethewind

    likethewind Guest

    I love Chopin!

    You be well, Damien.
     
  5. tulipinacup

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 15, 2014
    Messages:
    571
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Philippines
    Thanks for sharing Damien. I suffer from depression too. I think accepting who you are is one thing that you should be proud of. Despite all this struggle you are dealing with, I do think you are a very strong individual. I really can't suggest you anything but I want you to know that we're on the same boat. We're always here if you need someone to talk to.
     
  6. Damien

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 29, 2014
    Messages:
    1,246
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Australia.
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thank you...:slight_smile: and I will try to take K. Gibram's sagely advice, too.
     
  7. tulipinacup

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 15, 2014
    Messages:
    571
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Philippines
    As you should:slight_smile:
     
  8. Molly1977

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 11, 2013
    Messages:
    229
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    England
    Thank you for sharing Damian. As someone who also suffers from depression I know how very hard it can be to keep going. Seeing the positive in little things and taking comfort from knowing that we all have the power to change our lives for the better prevents me from taking my own life.

    I hope your life continues to move forward in a positive way. Molly x
     
  9. Gaysibling

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 3, 2013
    Messages:
    334
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New Zealand
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Well done. I denied my depression for many years. Around 4 years ago I finally accepted what people had been trying to tell me for a long time and I started to acknowledge and deal with it. In many ways mental health is another closet. It takes courage to come out with depression, just as it does to come out with sexuality. I wish you strength and luck for the road ahead.
     
  10. Molly1977

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 11, 2013
    Messages:
    229
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    England
    Also Damian I do htink that depression is very common within the gay community, you are definatly not alone with this.

    Molly x
     
  11. TheStormInside

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 26, 2014
    Messages:
    1,308
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    New England, US
    I'm glad you've been able to admit this to yourself, and also open up about it, Damien. Depression really does make every day a battle. But it's one you sound like you're continuing to fight, and that's great :slight_smile: . You said you have a counselor, do you discuss these feelings with them?
     
  12. user123456

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 7, 2014
    Messages:
    275
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Moravia, CZ
    Gender:
    Male
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Hey Damien, your post was quite inspiring. You must be talented for writing! You are clearly a great person, judging both from this post and from your advices you gave to me personally about my problems.

    I feel very similarly as you I think - I've been in a very bad state for the last year or so, and I see myself becoming sadder, moodier and more withdrawn, more tired every day, and when I think of the future I feel scared and don't want to go on... but then I remember how beautiful life is, what amazing memories I can return to and I find I want to be like that again, that I want to enjoy life fully, be happy and inspire others again instead of spreading bad mood around myself. I need to scare away the shadow that's haunting me inside my head and be free again!

    I wish you luck Damien, because you deserve to be happy, just like every person in the world!
     
  13. Molly1977

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 11, 2013
    Messages:
    229
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    England
    Hi Damian,

    You know the saying "do one thing every day that scares you" well maybe as you are feeling depressed you could change the saying to "Do one thing every day day that makes you happy". Little things like, always saying please and thank you, standing up strait, smiling at people and taking the time to be helpful to someone.

    Little things really do make a difference, even if you don't feel it inside by being positive on the outside it will make it easier to get through the day.

    Molly x
     
  14. bingostring

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2008
    Messages:
    2,083
    Likes Received:
    113
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Hi Damien,

    Reading between the lines, it seems like you are turning a corner.

    It is one thing to seek social isolation. Another to be isolated and realise it is not healthy.

    It is one thing to feel depression. Another to start to think creatively about how to break out of it.

    This all sounds GOOD!!

    :thumbsup:
     
  15. CyclingFan

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 1, 2014
    Messages:
    1,362
    Likes Received:
    30
    Location:
    Northern CA
    Me too. Anxiety and depression. I think my anxiety has, in the past, ramped itself up so high that it exhausts me, throwing me into deep depressive states.

    Reading this has helped me quite a lot.

    Also, Khalil Gibran is the shizznit.
     
  16. Damien

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 29, 2014
    Messages:
    1,246
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Australia.
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hi Molly,

    it's good to hear that you have found that positive knowledge within yourself, to keep yourself safe. The message you gave about seeing the little positives in every day inspires me also. Thank you for sharing that, it was beautiful.

    ---------- Post added 2nd Aug 2014 at 04:23 PM ----------

    You're right. It's the second closet I've come out of here. It was actually harder to admit than my bisexuality. Thank you for your understanding.

    ---------- Post added 2nd Aug 2014 at 04:26 PM ----------

    Thank you. And you are very insightful. Something is happening. It's not easy, but it's good. It's good to be feeling things more truly and authentically. I think Jung said that a neurotic person is someone who feels pain, but they don't know what the pain is really about - and so get tied up in complex knots about other stuff, ie they don't feel it 'authentically' or words to that effect. But I am now connecting more with the real pain I feel, and while it's not easy, I feel more alive.

    ---------- Post added 2nd Aug 2014 at 04:35 PM ----------

    Goodness this is helping me, to know I am not alone. Thank you so much for sharing that you have anxiety and depression. So do I. I get anxiety in social situations. Am trying to overcome it at present by doing a few crazy things, like going out once a week to that gay venue. Not crazy for normal folks, but crazy for an introvert like me. There's a part of myself I had suppressed - let's call it 'the shadow' - that is not as concerned with fears etc as my conscious self. That part that can just not care so much about what others think and just give something a try. I'm learning from that part of myself. He's actually not such a bad guy, although he's darker and more devilish than 'I' am. :grin: If that sounds a bit crazy well yes it is. I'm in a period of experimentation. And I'm letting it unfold. It's uncomfortable but necessary.

    ---------- Post added 2nd Aug 2014 at 04:44 PM ----------

    Thanks for asking, well I have, but I have to wait for a few months to get a new round of funding to see him again - assuming our incredibly mean-spirited current government doesn't cut that service (for low-income folks) in the meantime. I am struggling though, you are right. I might even have to stump up the money to see him, although for me it's a lot for just an hour of talking with someone, to pay 145 dollars. My goodness that's more than my weekly rent. Maybe I will need to see someone else, who I can access freely from a 'community centre', but in my experience those counsellors are nowhere near as good as him. But they might still be a good sympathetic ear to talk to.

    ---------- Post added 2nd Aug 2014 at 04:51 PM ----------

    Thank you, it's very kind of you to say that...

    I feel very similarly as you I think - I've been in a very bad state for the last year or so, and I see myself becoming sadder, moodier and more withdrawn, more tired every day, and when I think of the future I feel scared and don't want to go on... but then I remember how beautiful life is, what amazing memories I can return to and I find I want to be like that again, that I want to enjoy life fully, be happy and inspire others again instead of spreading bad mood around myself. I need to scare away the shadow that's haunting me inside my head and be free again!

    I wish you luck Damien, because you deserve to be happy, just like every person in the world![/QUOTE]Looks like we are going through something similar. Yes keep reaching for what is rich and inspiring in life. Even in a difficult life, every day we can find something wonderful that makes us feel good to be alive. This feeling of inspiration can then help us weather the mental storms than can come at other times. It can literally be like that for me sometimes. Like my painful thoughts are strong winds buffeting my about. I have to remind myself that they are just thoughts, they won't last forever, I should not identify so strongly with them as 'me' or 'mine', because they arise and they pass away. But in the heat of the battle, it's hard.
     
    #16 Damien, Aug 1, 2014
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2014
  17. Damien

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 29, 2014
    Messages:
    1,246
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Australia.
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I feel I ought to clarify what I said about my 'shadow'.

    When I was a child, before high school, I was not the socially intimidated person I am today. I was happy to hang out and play with my friends, etc. Did not think about it so much, just did it, know what I mean? I was fairly carefree about it.

    From the first day of high school - uprooted from primary school, with not one person I had known being at that new school - I started getting picked on. It got worse and worse to the point where the bullying, after four years, turned me from being a happy, sociable kid, into a social wreck, who had the cruel words of his bullies going on in his head half the time. It's taken me years to learn how to 'take my own side' and love myself again. People should realize how much bullying can impact on a developing teen. If they did, schools would make more of an effort to stamp it out.

    So what happened to the part of myself who was more free and easy, not afraid to say what he felt if he liked someone, take a risk here and there, which is what I was like as a child? He went deep underground. He became part of 'the shadow', that part of myself I was not consciously identifying with on a day-to-day basis. I almost forgot he even existed. I'm still trying to relearn how to flow more easily in social situations again.
     
  18. quietman702

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 20, 2011
    Messages:
    385
    Likes Received:
    12
    Location:
    WV, USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    All but family
    Damien I'm very proud of you. Self realization such is this is very scary but the benefits far outweigh the fear getting there. As you progress on your journey it is my hope that your "shadow" will be the person you learned to become to survive a hard life... and you will revert to your childhood. Being childlike is something I want to revert to as well. Take care.
     
  19. Richie.

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 17, 2013
    Messages:
    546
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Birmingham UK
    IMHO it's really bloody hard to see you're depressed (my experience of my depression.) I did some pretty whacky stuff to justify my Illness, something's I'm ashamed of. Self harm being one. So worried people at work would judge me for calling in sick making myself sick.
    Only looking back on my darkest days I now see how depressed I was.
    I am depressed at present but not to the extent I wad back in the early naughties. I'm ok a lot of the time.

    My psychologist actually said, that the aim wasn't to get me manic high with happiness, but A balance of depression and happiness kind of like in a middle ground. So ok is the ideal I think. As long as you can experience them highs as good times and lows as bad. You're doing ok.
    But it's a fine line. It's easy to spend more time in the dark when you're unwell.
    Depression is such a nasty illness that people including the sufferer doesn't see.

    Even recently it took people worried about me, to give me the push I need to seek help.

    I don't know if you have been on anti depressants, maybe speak with your doctor. They're giving me the boost I've found hard to give myself

    Peace and love

    Richie
     
    #19 Richie., Aug 2, 2014
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2014
  20. CharlsOn

    CharlsOn Guest

    Joined:
    Mar 18, 2014
    Messages:
    188
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Germany
    Oh wow.
    Keep your dreams and goals!!
    This are indeed reasons worth to never back down!!