Hi everyone, I'm getting a bit sick of some of my tendencies. Last night I went to the gay / lesbian venue again, and once again it looked like most folks kind of knew each other already, and so I just decided once again, I'm here to dance a bit and enjoy the atmosphere, and not to worry about whether anyone wants to talk or hang out with me, or not. Still, it does get a bit lonely after a while...in any case, I got checked out quite a bit (I was dressed heaps better this time) but the point is this: unless I abandon my irrational and extreme fear of rejection, I won't be able to get along in such places. Two examples. During the show, the truly lovely looking trans woman on the stage, was soliciting for special events, birthdays, etc to announce, getting folks on stage, etc. All just good fun. But when she gestured to me, I simply could not believe that she was doing so. My instinct was that "I must be mistaken, surely she must be gesturing to someone else". Such low self-esteem it's almost terminal! Because she could see I was a newbie, and I suspect she was actually going to be nice etc. But so self-doubting am I, that as she was making that gesture of 'come to me' I turned to see who she was making it to, because I just couldn't believe that she would want to chat with me, see what I mean? And as soon as I had turned around, she just dropped it and went on to something else, as such impromptu improvised things go, flowing from one joke or chat to another. Then, a bit later, well there was this tall lovely looking androgynous woman. I don't care if she was 'really' male or not, as I've said earlier that kind of thing doesn't matter to me, I just know I felt attracted to her. Once, she came into closer proximity to where I was standing, but I just couldn't believe that she would want me to talk to her. Later, she came and sat down on this platform next to where I was kind of dancing a bit, to take off her shoes, as her feet appeared a bit sore. Now really I could have said a number of things, even just empathized with having sore feet. But still, my tendency is to do nothing at all. To be so scared of rejection, that I end up just being alone instead. But in retrospect, I really do think she was giving me an opening to strike up some kind of conversation. So I feel annoyed with myself and I think that I need to truly be ready and willing to be 'rejected' a few times, and to not see this as such a big deal. Otherwise I will continue to be paralyzed by fear and nothing will ever happen at all. I'm getting sick of being so fearful all the time in such social situations. If I see that lovely androgynous lady again, and if she comes closer to me like that again, damn myself if I don't at least smile or at least make some kind of friendly comment. I'm getting sick of myself. It's like, how will I find out if someone really does like me, or not, if I'm unwilling to take even the slightest social risk? ---------- Post added 2nd Aug 2014 at 08:54 AM ---------- As for the 'guy' guys, well there was more than one who made eye contact with me as they walked past. I have no idea what it means. I can't believe that anyone as good-looking as some of those guys are would find me attractive, so I always just assume that they are just checking me out in a casual way. Once again, if I project this kind of self-doubt, I'm defeating myself before I've even had a chance to succeed. One guy with these lovely dark eyes actually looked right into my eyes for quite a few seconds and that was an intense experience. You won't believe this but he was one of the bartenders LOLOL so once again I have no idea what what was about. ---------- Post added 2nd Aug 2014 at 09:07 AM ---------- Ok the entire post got repeated by accident, so sorry about that. I can't fix it now. Please don't put yourself through the trouble of reading my sad tale twice in a row. :dry:
I'm not asking for much. I'm not expecting to meet the love of my life for goodness' sake, just to have a bit of a chat or a dance. But can I just learn how to flow better in social situations, meet new people, be sociable? I hope that this isn't just a case of a classic 'introvert' type finding it hard to fit in, in a situation where extroverted types predominate, both in physical numbers, and in other ways as well. But while I can't force myself to become an extrovert, god can I just stop being quite so fearful that I sometimes even lose what appear to be opportunities for just a bit of friendly social contact, offered to me by others? There was an error in my original post. About the lovely androgynous lady, I should have said, "I don't mind at all if she is a mtf trans woman, because someone's gender is not that important to me; what matters is how I feel towards a person, and I just know I felt drawn to her".
Damien, I dunno if this helps exactly, but in sure do identify with just about everything you're saying here. Presently I'm just trying to keep shedding more of this. Trying to not take too long though, I'm trying to get past that.
Of course it helps that you relate and empathize, and thank you for replying! The way I see it, I'm not getting any younger here. While I still have a bit of youthfulness in me, I had better hurry up and learn how to get over this. We could make a pact if you like. If I succeed in overcoming my fear next time, and at least test the waters next time I get the kind of chances I did last time, maybe you could agree to do so as well...no obligation of course just that I feel like I'm going to have to do what I did, when I had to overcome my fear of diving from a height into the deep end of a swimming pool, many years ago: I felt the fear in my body, and basically stopped thinking for a moment and jumped over the damn edge. And fell, got tingles through my entire body, went deep underwater for a few moments, then came back up again still alive and in one piece. After that, I wasn't afraid anymore, instead I loved diving. So I am going to have to stop thinking, relax, and just casually and with whatever confidence I can muster in the moment, learn how to at least take an opportunity when it seems like someone is actually making an effort to give me a chance. If I'm wrong, then the world will most likely not end. If I had of casually empathized with the woman's sore feet when she had sat down right near me, the worst that could have happened, is she would have possibly just ignored me. But she could have also engaged in a few moments of conversation. After all I'm pretty sure that folks can pick up on the fact that I'm quite gentle, there's certainly nothing intimidating about me, as far as I know. Anyway I've now discovered that trans women can be very alluring indeed; it was amazing to see last night, how although if one looks closely, yes, they were born with a male body, but in spirit, appearance and manner they are female...and this is another wonderful dimension of this exciting new world I'm discovering. I'm still recalling that androgynous woman this morning. This is one advantage of being bisexual, among all the disadvantages...I can feel drawn to either a male, or a female, because it is the person I feel attracted to; their gender is no limitation. ---------- Post added 2nd Aug 2014 at 03:04 PM ---------- Ah, I just realized why her feet might have been sore...because some women's shoes are designed for beauty rather than comfort; no wonder the poor dear had sore feet!
Although the folks there seem to often know each other, in many cases, and being the odd one out who is alone much of the time is very difficult for me, I'm still going back next week...because I like a few things about this place. The show was amazing. The guys doing actual acrobatic feats on the stage in costumes. The people: I pick up that lgbt folk are in general more accepting, I mean I did not feel put down even once while there, whereas in the past, in a straight club (have not been to one since I was a youngster), the mood was quite scary by comparison...also the folks there seem less pretentious, there is something humble about many of them. I actually like the lgbt world! I like the festive atmosphere, the way that when guys were up on stage before the show in full drag etc, that every act got applauded and supported. The one intimidating thing, was the beauty of some of the guys. It's true what is said, there were so many tall dark and handsome types there, my god. I actually could not help smiling at a few when they made eye contact. Even just out of shy embarrassment. Nothing happened but I'm still crazy enough to put myself in that situation again. Mind you there were lots of mere mortals like myself there, as well. We can't all look like greek gods. One guy in the smoking area, he didn't have a lighter so he leaned over and I lit my cig by touching it to his. I've never done that before LOL. Yea I will go back, it's crazy that someone as introverted as me is trying this, but I hope to learn how to relax more. But I still know that, I need to get to the lgbt meetup groups as well, because I will certainly find them much easier in terms of actually getting to talk with someone. Ok if you've read this far thank you. lol. I really don't know what's gotten into me lately.
So nice to hear that you are enjoying your initial forays into the gay scene. I will say I was actually pretty introverted myself and it was the gay scene that brought me out of it. One thing I will point out is that the whole thing where everyone seems to already know each other cuts both ways--I know it seems like that will make it hard to get to know anyone but it also means that if you can figure out how to get to know someone it may very well be the entry into knowing a whole group of people. That's how it worked for me. I remember my first time at a gay bar was after Pride, I didn't know anyone and wasn't even sure enough about the whole thing to order a drink (I had a Coke). I summoned up the courage to tell someone that it was my first time in a gay bar ever and people just sort of started introducing me around. I was probably introduced to at least a hundred people that afternoon--several of whom I am still friends with 20 years later. I know the bar/club scene isn't for everyone but I have to say I found it to be a remarkably accepting and loyal community. One other thing--don't get too wrapped up in sorting out levels of attractiveness. In my experience everyone is looking for different things and the way you draw the league lines (i.e. who's out of your league) will be totally different than how someone else will draw those lines. You never know, some of the people you couldn't believe would be attracted to you may feel exactly the same way about you.
WOW! Way to go Damien, so glad that you "dove into the deep end" and are going back again. Kind of like going from 5 mph to 100 in a few seconds isn't it? I too have self esteem issues and when someone shows interest in me I think "this must be a mistake, he's interested in me". Do you ever wonder if our fear gets misinterpreted by the other person and pushes people away during these occasions? As OGS said "don't get too wrapped up in sorting out levels of attractiveness" as this has been one of the biggest pitfalls in my self esteem. I seem to compare myself to others to an unhealthy point. Thanks for your posts, you've given me a lot to ponder on. Hugs
Pact it is, Damien! I'm moving to an apartment downtown next weekend, exactly to put myself in more situations where I can be social. I'll be about 15 minutes walk from the gay district, so I should have some time to figure out if there's something there for me.
