Anyone else achingly lonely?

Loneliness is a basic human emotion, you shouldn't feel stupid for feeling this way. Companionship is up there with food and drink and sleep in terms of basic needs. If you didn't have those needs, that would make you a sociopath. Some people are more independent than others, but even Alexander Supertramp in the end wanted the companionship he had shunned his whole life. I am currently sitting on the bathroom floor with a case of food poisoning waiting for the next wave of nausea to take hold, and all I want is for someone to sit with me and rub my back til it passes. Companionship is so important.

It's wonderful that you're finally willing to give, that you are in a place where you could have a meaningful relationship with someone else, where you could be a good partner. That's a good thing!

How to deal with this loneliness? Start doing things. Anythings. Take on some projects, go on a trip, do something you love. Stop sitting in one place wondering where everyone else is. The more you focus on other goals, the happier you'll be, and if you open yourself up to love at the same time and take opportunities to meet and connect with people, you'll do just fine.

 

A lot of people here feel lonely, it is important to be with people you can connect with and who you can be yourself with. I think sometimes when gay people are isolated from other gay people it can be especially difficult because even if you are physically with other people, friends work colleagues etc, if they don't understand your situation it can be very difficult to really get to know them.

I have always said that one of the most important things is for gay people to be around other gay people. Even if it isn't for a relationship but just for having friends who are the same as you.

I went out to an lgbt meetup dinner last night and I felt so much more relaxed around the people there than if I had been with a group of straight people. I found it so much easier to talk to other people who are gay.

Do you have any gay friends that you can just go out for a coffee with?

If not have you tried starting a meetup group online as there could be other gay people who are just as lonely as you but who don't know that you are out there waiting to meet them.

 

I just posted about this very thing. I'm wondering why lonely people have to struggle so much and why we can't just find each other =/

 

I think someone could be a major hero by finding a way to pair up quiet, introverted people with each other for conversation, friendship or even love. Years in the closet can make a person so isolated and withdrawn, and a lot of times we put ourselves there in the first place because we ALREADY felt like we didn't feel like we fit in. So coming out is double hard.

All I can say is, be patient and don't stop trying. EC (and the rest of the world for that matter) is full of lonely people aching to be discovered. Sometimes you have to bare your soul a little more than you're comfortable with, and take a chance that you're very much afraid to take. But the payoff is huge and can be life-changing, and it CAN happen. I would never have believed it myself, and went for decades believing that I was too freakishly quirky to fit in anywhere. But there are billions of people in the world, and when you manage to stumble on someone who shares just enough of your freakish quirkiness, wonderful things can happen. Don't give up. Ever.

(&&&)

Introverts of the world, unite!
(Quietly....in your own homes....lol)

 

All the time... I'm deprived of love and have been single for years :icon_sad:

 

In reading Joe Kort's book: 10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love, an interesting insight he shares is that we all grew up, being gay (whether we "knew" it or not), imprinted with a feeling of differentness, of not fitting in. As CB indicated above, this has led to wariness and isolation.

Hetero guys are given permission to join their club, horsing around, forming groups of like-minded guys (ogling at girls, etc.), whereas gay boys were never socially sanctioned to do so. We were socially conditioned not to associate with "our" kind. We were encouraged to flee each other, we had no role models, no mentors to guide us through this "dark forest".

This sense of belonging, of being comfortable with those who are like us is crucial in forming relationships. Yes, we are few, and yet relationships and friendships happen, but they will happen only if we are comfortable enough to be vulnerable with those who are like us. All meetings, all relationships require, first and foremost a certain degree of vulnerability, and that can only happen if we feel safe enough to let our well-honed defenses down for once.

Gay bars, circuit dances and saunas are a poor substitute for finding that sense of belonging, but for a long time that is all we had. Not to say that these places are not fun, nor to say that it is impossible to find a deeper relationship in these places (I know a gay couple who met in a bar 26 years ago and are happily married). But too often these places are like fast food, temporarily satisfying but not terribly nourishing, or healthy.

There are better places to find people now, it's not by meditating or "preparing" for it, or making yourself more attractive before you set out to meet people, you need to get out there now and be seen. The community is large and diverse and you need to be a part of it.

 

Wonderfully encouraging comments, Choirboy -- thank you!

 

Hi Damien,

Add me to the "action is the key" chorus here. I'm a pretty skeptical person, but I know sitting still will get me nowhere. So I try different things — some work, some disappoint. But I guess my strength is that I keep looking — if I don't like one door, I try another. I pray you will push yourself to do the same.

I will keep you in my good thoughts...

 

I'm lonely at times it feels like physical pain. It hurts so much.


I recommened you read a book called how to connect with anyone. By http://www.amazon.co.uk/Leil-Lowndes/e/B000APOPHO/ref=ntt_athr_dp_pel_1

I didn't pay for my version I used a less legit method of downloading it. But it kinda changes the way you talk to people and I have noticed differences in my relationships. It even helped me get a job.

I recommend it to everyone

 

Yup very lonely

 

Don't ever be afraid to bare your soul here, Damien, and your thoughts are a good read. I read a saying this morning that said ""When you fall for someone's personality, everything about them becomes beautiful". No one can fall for your personality if you keep it hidden, and opening up here is a great place to start that. Fears and issues with self-esteem seem to be par for the course among us later in life types, and that may never completely go away, but it doesn't have to be the crippling thing it was for decades. Keep talking. We're listening.

 

Hi,

I just sent this to a friend; "In regards to wariness and isolation... My expectations being "out" and the reason I built my closet have been met (my fears were real) now that I am out. Generally speaking society is sick, family is sick, religion is sick. However we survive and can chose not to be sick."

There is a large gay silent majority which has withdrawn due to the limelight being on the more raucous components of gay culture. I too am at a loss to find them.

I suspect the raucous flood in and drive out the silent majority as new venues are created.

There needs to be a tightly moderated gay dating venue that results in local people meeting. That is not the goal of EC but I could see a similar/modified format work for dating.

Tom

 

I've actually been ruminating about this a bit. I was thinking of a way for people to meet up but not have to sign up. Just show up. (I know i haven't worked out the logistics yet) It would be something like an outing to a bowling alley (where most people would be terrible - wait, hear me out). When you got there, you'd get a self-selected, colored tag of some kind indicating your preference - let's say pink, blue, purple, (girls, boys, either) so nobody'd have to ask. Everything would be thoroughly orchestrated so there'd be basically, hopefully, no chance for awkwardness. There might have to be one extravert who could move things along a bit. Everyone would be asked to bring one joke to tell the group midway through the "tournament" and then dinner of veggie dogs and soy martinis. (ok. That last bit might be pushing it).
The idea is it would be all about having fun being terrible at something. There might be a prize for the lowest score and worst joke.

Just my first go at this.

 

I used to be, but it has gotten better. I still pine for connectivity, though.

Interestingly, one of the things that picked me up, was seeing this:

Mr. Magoo - "All Alone in the World"

Mr. Magoo seems like a pretty silly, and old, cartoon... but that song. By God, that song touched me, and it allowed me to see that others feel the same. How else could someone write such a song?

 

Hi,

So introverted people are going to extrovert and wear a tag?

Personally, I do not want to attend a mixed LGBT event as a dating venue. I would want a group specific to my preference. It is not just me either. In my community there are two churches one is for lesbians the other for gay nmen.

Then... How do you keep out the myriad of sexual predators looking for a hookup? These people re introverts because they have little tolerance or poor social skills.

The larger gay silent population is not introverted, they hav given up and withdrawn due to raucous sterotypes they do not relate with who swamp events.

Not easy.

Tom