1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

What is it like to be in a real relationship?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by KyleD, Aug 9, 2014.

  1. KyleD

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    1,094
    Likes Received:
    25
    Location:
    Spain
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Family only
    I am 27 years old and the only relationship I've ever experienced was when I was 18 and that was horrible because it was with the opposite sex.

    I'd like to know what is it like to be in a real relationship. Is it worth it?
     
  2. Chiroptera

    Admin Team Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 11, 2014
    Messages:
    2,504
    Likes Received:
    1,383
    Location:
    Brazil
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    It's highly overrated. Of course, i'm not saying it's bad, i'm on a relationship myself, but it isn't essential as most people say.

    As Owen says in a thread i will link below:
    Here: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/famil...king-relationship-simpler-than-you-think.html
     
  3. KyleD

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    1,094
    Likes Received:
    25
    Location:
    Spain
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Family only
    Thank you so much for the link Chiroptera! I'll benefit greatly from the advice in that thread!
     
  4. Sorceress of Az

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 23, 2014
    Messages:
    495
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Near Saint Louis, but in Illinois.
    Not sure what it's like, never been in one, hate being single though
     
  5. Being in a relationship is good...but only if it's a good relationship. And it's hard work. There's disagreements and misunderstandings and compromises and all that, which suck. But if the person is awesome enough to be with despite all of that and awesome enough to warrant giving up the single life, it's really cool.

    The problem is that not many people I've dated have been worth giving up my single lifestyle. I loved being free to only do what I wanted to do, to spend a ton of time on my passions and with my friends whenever I wanted no matter what. I didn't have to consult anyone on what to buy at the store, how much money they're spending, which of us needs the car today, etc etc etc. I could just go wherever, whenever and do whatever. And that was awesome. I was really driven to get myself together. I took any opportunity that came my way because all I had to worry about was me. Any need or want I had, whether sexual, social, emotional, monetary, etc. I just met in other ways with other people or just by myself. Now I meet many of my needs via my partner. Not all, but many.

    However, I have to consider my partner's feelings in every act of my life. And she has to consider mine. If i want to go to grad school, I have to consider that she might not want to haul our stuff across the country for me to do so. And I have to make time for her and things that she wants to do and spending time with her family (ugh) and she has to do the same for me. We have to make emotional sacrifices as well. If I'm having a bad day, she stays home with me even though she might want to be doing something else. If she's sick, I take care of her, even though I'm up to my eyeballs at work and I just want to watch tv. And we fight about stuff too. Not a lot, because we can usually reasonably compromise and talk stuff over, but we don't always agree because we're two different people with two different sets of ideas on things and two ways of understanding an issue.

    But, if you can find a person who works well with you that despite all of the crappy stuff that comes along with being in a relationship, that you're still happy and loving each other and together through all of it, then it is definitely worth it.

    Honestly though, for anyone less awesome than my partner is, I wouldn't do this. I loved being single. I just love being with her more at this point (and hopefully all points from now on).
     
    #5 thedreamwatch, Aug 9, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 9, 2014
  6. OGS

    OGS
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 1, 2014
    Messages:
    2,716
    Likes Received:
    728
    Location:
    Chicago, IL
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I think it's wonderful--once you are really ready for it. I love having someone that I trust entirely, who has seen me at my absolute worst and still wants nothing but the best for me--someone that I can tell anything to and not worry about being judged. And I love being that person for someone else. When good things happen in my life my very first thought is that I want to tell him and when bad things happen my very first thought is that I need to be with him to make it through. I honestly feel that we click together in a way I never even realized was possible let alone hoped for. It's been 16 years and in all honesty I wake every morning more in love than I was the day before. It's not all sunshine and lollipops but I can honestly say, it's not hard--I've had relationships that were hard and it was because we weren't right for each other.

    The one thing I will say is that happy people make happy relationships. And happy people can be happy whether single or in pairs. A relationship won't fix your life--instead, I tend to think that a happy relationship can be the reward for fixing your life yourself. As I have often said on this forum--build a life that people would want to share and someone awesome will want to share it with you.
     
  7. Chiroptera

    Admin Team Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 11, 2014
    Messages:
    2,504
    Likes Received:
    1,383
    Location:
    Brazil
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    You're welcome :slight_smile:

    I love that thread, it helped me a lot.
     
  8. biAnnika

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 20, 2011
    Messages:
    1,839
    Likes Received:
    8
    Location:
    Northeastern US
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    My partner and I have been in an incredible relationship for 28 years. We've not found it to be exactly "hard work"...but we are extremely compatible. If you think it's overrated, you're with the wrong person (or perhaps you are the wrong person).

    There is lots of variation out there for how important it is for you to be in a relationship, how much you're prepared to get out of a relationship, how much work you'll need to do to make it work, etc.

    But it can be extremely rewarding. My partner and I love being together, exploring new things together, enjoying old things together. We're best friends...and communicate well enough that we maintain a nice balance between doing things together and giving one another space. There's nothing we can't talk about together, and little we *don't* talk about together. It's fun and deeply rewarding to know another person this well...not to mention being known this well by somebody. But I'm sure this level of closeness would absolutely not work or be desirable for everyone.
     
  9. Weston

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 1, 2014
    Messages:
    433
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Seattle
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Words to live by. Thank-you!
     
  10. greatwhale

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2013
    Messages:
    6,582
    Likes Received:
    413
    Location:
    Montreal
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Well said! And so true about building a life that is worth sharing. There is also something to be said about healing each other in the process of building the relationship. It isn't necessary to be perfect before meeting someone, it is necessary to learn about the other while being loyal to that third entity: the relationship itself. It is a time to learn the way he expresses his love, what his preferences are, how he expresses frustration or happiness and responding to him when he needs you. And in that learning, love grows.
     
  11. skiff

    skiff Guest

    Joined:
    Jan 3, 2013
    Messages:
    2,432
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Peabody, MA - USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Hi,

    What is a relationship?

    I was with a guy 15 years. I had what is described above only for him to walk away when his closet was at risk.

    All I had was smoke and mirrors as you never truly "know" somebody. There are huge gaps in our understanding of others and we fill them in with assumptions based on our feelings for them. I never would have imagined my partner would choose his closet over me. NEVER.

    So a relationship is what you imagine it to be. Since you are building on human emotions you are building on sand.

    You need to be content alone and not derive happiness from others as they can cut it off at any time.

    Tom
     
  12. Damien

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 29, 2014
    Messages:
    1,246
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Australia.
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    If you don't mind saying, to give us achingly lonely hearts some advice, how and/or where did you meet this wonderful person? All I seem to hear is gloom, for us lbbt folk, when it comes to finding a soulmate; how difficult it is, etc. How gay venues are not the right places, apps are not good, meetups can also be problematic...where does one go? What does one do?

    ---------- Post added 11th Aug 2014 at 12:51 AM ----------

    I've been alone for all of my life. I've never let anyone who could actually love me back, get close to me. I hear what you are saying, but I'm deeply unsatisfied with my current isolation. I know there's risk involved, but I am willing to take it. But I appreciate the fair warning of what can happen.
     
  13. biAnnika

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 20, 2011
    Messages:
    1,839
    Likes Received:
    8
    Location:
    Northeastern US
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I don't mind saying, but I'm not sure how much help it will be to you. We met in college, at a summer program. We went to different universities, and the program was at yet another. We were both seeing someone else at the time (I'd had a gf for nearly 2 years and she'd had a bf for the past *six*). So we both broke off long term relationships to begin a long-distance relationship with someone we'd virtually just met...kinda inadvisable-sounding from that perspective. But it turned out to be absolutely the right choice.

    So yeah...I don't see this as a practical path for you (or anyone) to pursue...it's just what happened to us. I wasn't giving advice, so much as answering the question of "what is a real relationship like and is it worth it?" But if you want advice:

    I don't think it is *where* one goes, or even *what* one does. I think the important thing is *how* one does it. I've given this advice before, and others have posted it both in this thread and others...it's hard to hear, perhaps, but it's the real deal.

    It may sound unbearably Zen, but seek without seeking. Be open to love and happiness and sharing, but don't throw yourself desperately into it. If you like Zen, Osho says it incredibly well:

    That state of overflowing presence is attractive. Then it doesn't matter whether you're in a gay venue, or meeting someone you got to know online (though responding to an ad on Craigslist isn't "getting to know someone online"...make sure you actually get to know the person.

    The point is to first *be* the sort of person that your preferred love would like to be around. Also, recognize that "your preferred love" isn't one person...it's a kind of person that exists all over...so you don't have to go hunting for them; you just have to be *open* to them.

    I dunno how useful you find this...and I said it was hard to hear. There are other ways to get into a relationship. But if you want a "real relationship", this is the only path I've found. I felt desperately lonely from about age 10-12 on, so I'm not unfamiliar with the search. I felt unloved, unappreciated, misunderstood, and was bitter about it. Around 16 I had a quantum shift in my outlook on the world, and decided damn it, I *am* worth loving, I do have value, am worthy of appreciation...but I'm not acting like it! What I did effectively was to change my behavior *inside and out* to be the sort of person I'd want to be with...became happy being alone, basically...while remaining open to others. It was a huge transformation for me, and loneliness kind of disappeared. Three months later, my first gf found me.
     
  14. KyleD

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 4, 2013
    Messages:
    1,094
    Likes Received:
    25
    Location:
    Spain
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Family only
    After reading a lot of the advice on here I think that I have quite a bit of work to do on myself. I don't really think I'm looking for a partner but rather a savior and entering a relationship with that mindset would be destructive. I think I'm going to focus on myself for now and learn to be as happy and content with who I am before seeking out a relationship.