I feel as if I am on the brink of falling off of a cliff and I am terrified of the free fall. I am so scared of all of the unknowns, of feeling alone and of making a mistake. I don't want to move forward but I can't continue to stagnate here knowing what I ultimately want. What I ultimately need. I feel guilty for every feeling I have now, either way. My significant other deserves someone who wants to kiss him, someone who will long for him in a way that every person wants to desired. I thought that eventually we would get there, that I would get there. Point blank, I yearn to be with a woman. Staying is nearly unbearable but leaving seems just as daunting. :bang:
I completely understand where you are. My recent awakening is rather badly timed--being a wife of 20 years and a mother of three. I don't know how to make the change that seems rather necessary for all. For those of you who've gone through this--how long did it take to have that conversation and how did you manage your domestic life in the meantime? I'm trying to continue as usual, but it's really impossible for me to ignore the fact that so much has changed. He's probably aware that something has happened, but my guess is that he has no idea what.
I understand too, in fact I could've easily written the same words. I've been married 11 years and have 4 children and like you guys am finding it ever so hard to deal with the yearnings I have to be with a woman. I'm just trying to work on accepting who I am and allowing myself to feel the desires I have for women instead of just ignoring them. Not sure what I'm going to do then, but just trying to take things one step at a time, which is hard when my desires are sometimes so strong.
(*hug*) I think many of us here have felt like they are on the brink of a cliff. If you can, try to reframe your thoughts to a less scary metaphor. For example, when I catch myself thinking of the cliff metaphor, I reframe being authentic about who I am as climbing a mountain. Is it always easy? No? Is it scary sometimes? Yes. But when climbing a mountain, you can take it one step at a time. You get there little bit by little bit. And the view from the top will be amazing.
I had a female friend who recently came out aged 34. She married her best friend to please everyone. She finally came out in January and she's got a girlfriend and making a new life for herself.
It's scary, jump we will catch you! Hardest bravest step you can make it's a massive step. After that it's little steps but each step gets you closer to where you want to be.
You will not act until the pain of doing nothing exceeds your fear of acting... You have a choice... You have the power... You will learn this truth when you act.
There is a wonderful thread under Sexual and Romantic Orientation called " This has NEVER happened before" It is quite a few pages but most of the posts are intelligent and thoughtful and have been more help to me than you can imagine! Just a thought…if you haven't followed that thread- it's a great place to go to help answer the questions you have! (&&&)
I'm curious to know how others have managed to do this as well. If you figure it out, let me know! I can tell you my some of my experience. I have labeled myself as "bisexual" since I was in my early teens but through my early 20's did I realize that I am only sexually attracted to females. When I met my SO I made it clear how I felt. I told him that I was not bisexual as in 50/50 that at best it was 75/25 and even then I knew I was "stretching" the truth. I have never had any long term relationship with a woman but I have been with a woman. I have throughout my life fallen for straight girls though, it must be a curse. I grew up in a small town and I knew of only one lesbian my age. I fell for my straight best friend and loved her throughout highschool. I guess finding relationships with men has been easier for me and honestly, my SO and I get along fairly well, aside for the fact that I'm pretty much a closeted lesbian living a heterosexual lie. I'm glad to know that I'm not alone and as you said, we can only take it one day at a time. Lately though I just feel like everyday is "Groundhogs Day"! I still feel the exact same way as the day before. I just keep asking myself what am I waiting for? I will always find an excuse... Wait until after graduation, Wait until my career is under way, wait until the little one starts school... You're right though, the desire is just so strong. I do want to put it out there that I desire a woman for more than sexual satisfaction. Of course I want to feel her body, her skin, her lips against mine but I also want us to be able to connect on a romantic and sensual level that I've never been able to with men. It's just so difficult to describe. ---------- Post added 11th Aug 2014 at 11:40 AM ---------- Thank you so much for your kind words! I love the analogy too! So much of who we are is shaped by how we think. This shouldn't be scary, it should be beautiful and freeing. I guess a baby step could be trying to reframe how I view my journey
I have to agree with Richie. It's a massive step, and for me it was the most difficult. After you get through this, then it does eventually get easier, there are still difficult days but it's important to remember that coming out is a process, not a single event so there will always bumps along the way. Telling your SO is the biggest bump. NoNightingale, I agree with Waterfall. The thread she suggested will answer your questions. It's not that I don't want to answer it, but I have many posts on the suggested thread and most, if not all of the posts I made I put a lot of thought into, and I don't think I could adequately sum up everything I've written there in here.
Thank you, Richie! It took me all day to write this post. Although I live with these feelings everyday, it still seems so complicated when it could be so easy. I tend to over analyze and worry too much. I hope to find strength in those who have done this before me! <3 ---------- Post added 11th Aug 2014 at 05:25 PM ---------- Well, I have told my SO... More or less... But to be completely honest, I say things in passing and mostly elude to the fact that I'm gay, not bisexual. Our communication skills together are horrible and our relationship has been going downhill for other reasons as well. He even brings up my sexuality during arguments he says he can't be in a relationship with a lesbian. You're right, I need to TELL him point blank how I feel.
WorldWalker--I know what you mean about sexual desire and intimacy. It's taken me a long time to figure out what's missing/wrong (up to this point in my life) in both areas. The sexual desire is a whole new experience for me (I didn't experience anything like this as a teenager) but the desire for emotional intimacy is probably even greater. I don't circulate in groups where I'm likely to meet someone (I think . . . ) but one of the reasons I feel like being upfront with my spouse has some urgency is that I'm worried that something might happen. This is not a thought that had seriously entered my mind until recently, when I came to understand what I really want and need. HTBO and Waterfall: I will check out the thread you mentioned, "This has NEVER happened before." Thanks!
(*hug*) I spent a lot of time wondering what was "missing/wrong" in those areas with me as well. I have come to realize that there is nothing "wrong" with me at all. There is something wrong with the choice I've been making to try and make a straight relationship work. You spoke about feeling a sense of urgency and I can relate to that as well. I was lucky enough to have this talk with my Dad, about me leaving my SO, before he passed away this past May. He was pretty sick at the time and I didn't want to worry him too much but I HAD to speak to him about everything and he was completely understanding. Then, leaving wasn't my priority though, taking care of my Dad, raising my Daughter and making it through my Nursing classes were priority. Anyway, I watched my Dad slowly deteriorate and with his illness then his death, I have been left with a sense of urgency. With an *intense desire* to ensure that when it comes my time to lay on my death bed, I want to know that I made those choices that made me happy. Not the choices that seem logical or easy. I don't want to settle anymore. All day I can find reasons to stay here. I'm comfortable, we enjoy the same things, he is a good Father, I will have to leave my home, etc. Although I have these reasons that "make sense" they don't FEEL like the right things for me.
I'm in a similar situation. Married with a child. Practically sexless marriage. I was bisexual before but never seemed to be able to let go of my fear of being with a woman even though I longed for it. My experiences with men have always been sort of as an outsider peering down from the ceiling. I desperately want to be with another woman but I haven't worked in 4 years, I have a young child, and I didn't finish my bachelors degree. I'm going back to school in a month but still... that will take at least 2 years to finish. Am I just going to wait that long to come out? It's unfair to my husband but i feel like my only other choices would be to live in poverty with my child somewhere else or give up custody. It's frightening. Since I finally came to terms with it all and embraced it I can't even look at men anymore in that way; it sickens me. I feel like so much of my heterosexuality was wrapped up more in the performance of femininity and feeling like my worth was tied to how many men I attracted. It had absolutely nothing to do with my own longings and feelings. It's going to be hard to leave the comfort of a heterosexual life. It sees objectively so much easier.
