Hey EC. For backstory, I'm 29 and my GF is 29, and we've been dating for 6 years. I wanted a Later in Lifer perspective on the events that have just transpired. Yesterday I ended my six year relationship with my girlfriend. An argument started concerning evidence she found in my apartment that she believed showed homosexual depravity and a desire not to turn from this lifestyle. I tried to explain that the evidence found was to KEEP me from depravity, but then I realized that the trust between us was broken. We both said some things that were mean to each other and have been separately dealing with everything that happened. From my perspective, I got tired of these arguments; the ones that start with her finding a letter or a link or a text or something that always gets assumed that I'm lying and unrepentant. In our arguments, her words always made me feel horrible. I'm always wrong or willfully weak in my faith, or not really wanting to try to change. No explanation is ever satisfactory because she already made up her mind that someone who truly wants to change would do better and not write/text/seek these things. Right now I'm not sure how I feel about all of this. I'm strangely not as emotional as I thought. Although I feel sad that I can't hug her and miss calling to make sure she's alright, I'm not devastated and far from overjoyed. For those that have gone through this, how was the days and weeks after you ended things?
To answer your question from the perspective of someone who left a 23-year toxic relationship and marriage: freedom and bliss.
My guess would be that the implications or realities of yesterday have not truly set in yet. You still need to get used to life being single and without her. I'm not sure if you plan on coming out in the near future, but take a little time for yourself to consider what makes you happy and what you want to do next. To me it sounds like ending the relationship is the right decision and I have faith that with time that will become more and more apparent. Good luck!
It sounds like a hard conversation, especially in her judgement and condemnation of you. I came from a similar background, and carried that shame with me- which kept me from acknowledging the truth that I am gay until my 40's. Since coming out, and getting lots of help, the most important step has been to know that my identity is not something to be ashamed of. It is not a matter of will power and desire- I lived my whole life trying to live up to and into the image of being a heterosexual male- I am married to an extraordinary woman, she is my best friend, the mother of my child, and I have loved our life together. If it was a matter of working for it, or desire- I did that, and it did not change who I am.This is me. The beauty in this discovery has come in relief, and living in truth and honesty, more and more, an end to the numbness of feeling that kept coming up, and acceptance, for myself and from others. Being gay is not a depraved state. Having natural desires for men- if you are gay- is natural. Just as if you were straight and wanted to have the companionship and love of a woman. There is nothing wrong with that. It is good. This is true for us as well. I suffered from a lifelong sense of being unworthy- and that no matter what I did, I would not measure up. That feeling came from the fear of who I am deep inside. It came from all of the judgements I heard, witnessed and experienced towards gays and lesbians. I internalized those voices and turned them in on myself. The truth that has come with acceptance, is to know that I am worthy of love, dignity and respect in the world. And so are you.
Sounds like you are still letting it sink in. Or perhaps you had already resolved to ending this at some point in the past and just hadn't put it in motion. Her comments come from a place of anger and frustration and while things said in the heat of battle are hard to undo, my guess is that she feels at least partially sorry for some of it. Give it time to let it sink in. walking away from such a long relationship will take time. Hopefully both of you can move on to bigger and better things.
I'm sorry that this happened, but now you get the opportunity to be the bigger and better man in this situation. You get to have a nice lifestyle with an amazing boyfriend, God willing, and she gets to go make someone else's life miserable and toxic. Freedom and benevolence are in your future .
I understand that this will have carry an emotional toll for you but this is a good thing which sadly ended badly. This gives you the chance to be who you are as you know you are without having years of guilt long in the future.
Thank you guys for your kind words. I don't know if I can call my relationship toxic, but this was my first and longest relationship. I'm not sure how I bagged her or how this dating thing works, and I'm not even sure if I want to. I may not have had many dreams of our future, but the ones I had were with her. I had this expectation that I would breathe a sigh of relief, that weight would be lifted, and I would immediately begin working on the things I always wanted to. Instead, I have this MUTED feeling, like a bomb went off but the room is completely undamaged. There's nothing to fix, but that makes no sense, the bomb went off. I barely feel any change. This was my fear and feeling; that I would just be 'working for it' for the rest of my life, sort of achieving my dreams but never feeling happy because of the emotional toll; that this level of self denial is what was expected and I should be grateful to endure it. I don't consider her toxic, even if our relationship might have been. I only wish for her to find someone who can truly make her dreams come true, who can love her and make her see that she is wanted, beautiful, and a catch, just not MY catch. And I want to meet someone who can make me feel the same way.
MarthRoyIke you use a good metaphor of the "bomb going off". That muted feeling just may be shock that it really did happen and you are now free to explore your sexuality. It also may be relief after going through all the put downs and negativity. You may find that the bomb going off is a really a blessing in disguise. I look forward to hearing more of your journey. Hugs.
