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I did it! I told my boyfriend!!!

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by paris, Aug 18, 2014.

  1. paris

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    Some update, guys!

    My bf.
    Still full of adrenaline but hugely relieved that I finally told my boyfriend that I desire to be with a woman a lot. (!)
    I was returning home from Pride yesterday and was supposed to go by bus but plans changed and I went home by car with my bf instead. I saw that as a chance to tell him. I bought a bracelet at the Pride and put it on my hand in a way so I could read the word "PRIDE" every time I look at it. I felt I've never been that ready.

    After 10 minutes of the ride I told him there's something I need to tell him but if I did we'll probably cause an accident and kill ourselves. He answered he probably knows what I'm gonna say and asked if it's 'him or her'. It turned out he's been thinking about it a lot since I told him 10 months ago that I'm attracted to women and he thought I'm seeing someone else because he noticed how distant I've become. I told him there's no one specific yet but that I want to be with a woman badly.
    We spoke a lot.
    He noticed how tense I am during sex and thought he needs to be more active which I explained is quite the opposite of what I can stand. I told him how uncomfortable it is for me when he touches me in a sexual way and assured him it's not his fault (he was afraid he'd done something wrong).
    He thinks we still have a chance in case I'm more on the bi side of the spectrum, what he obviously hopes for, but what I'm not sure about because what I've been feeling towards women is almost overwhelming. I said everything is still so new for me and I have no idea where it's all heading now. We still need to talk much more but it is a start, right?

    Pride.
    I spent three days joining some Pride events, Pride Parade included. I have a little mixed feelings about everything.
    I did have so much fun and if someone recorded me dancing (!!)(what I don't usually do and am very unnatural at) and put it on the fb they'd surely reach 1M views in 3 hours, haha, but on the other hand I felt so totally lost.
    I know it's stupid but I felt like I don't look like a lesbian, I don't speak like a lesbian, I don't even smoke like a lesbian and I sooo felt like I don't fit in and will never do. I was watching how people meet up their friends before the parade while I knew no one and stood there alone and felt lonely. What's worse I wasn't able to speak to anyone. I really tried to fight my introvert self but it wasn't working much.
    I pushed myself to go to a gay cafe and had a beer there but that's all. I was hoping to speak to some girls but it seems to me that lesbians are more on the DL.
    Still, it was a great experience and I'm glad I went. :eusa_danc

    My mom.
    Well, things didn't work with my mom as expected.
    I was ready to tell her I'm going to Pride and I did. She didn't know what Pride is so I explained the word to her. I wasn't quite ready for her reaction to be honest. She murmured something like that's why she won't have any grandchild and that my grandma was worried and asked her if I was a lesbian once. I was taken away especially by the remark about my grandma because it was almost exactly one year from the day she passed away. I thought to ask if it was a problem if I was (lesbian) but I just rolled my eyes and said nothing.
    Then my mom asked if the "fag" thing is on Saturday what my plan for Sunday is. I felt defensive and told her not to use such a word again. We left it at that...
    Today she asked me how many "fags" :eusa_doh: joined the parade and how was it.
    To tell you the truth, I'm not sure if I outed myself or not and I somehow couldn't care less. I'm still kinda disappointed by her. :icon_sad:
     
  2. HTBO

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    Congratulations on the bf. Sorry about your mom, but maybe she will come around.
    I'm glad you enjoyed pride. Pride where I live was here this past week as well, and the parade was yesterday. I went to pride activities thur-sun and all of them by myself as well. I volunteered for the parade so I did meet some people that way. I also practiced my skills in flirting with women:slight_smile: I understand what you mean by not looking, acting, etc like a lesbian. I found the more I become involved and the more people I meet, the less I feel that way. There is no particular way to be a lesbian I don't think, just be yourself. That's one of the liberating things about accepting you are gay; you can be you and not what everyone else expects. That how I see it, they already see me as different so why bother trying to conform and just be who I want. You will feel more like a lesbian after time.
     
  3. BiPenguin

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    You are who you are and it's good that you have started to accept who you are. All the best.
     
  4. CyclingFan

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    I'm so happy for you, Paris, for having the courage to have that conversation.
     
  5. happydavid

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    Awsome congratulations for having the courage.
     
  6. Damien

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    How exactly is a lesbian 'supposed' to look, speak, act or even smoke? If you do these things a certain way, then evidently, "some lesbians look, speak and smoke like this..." like you, I mean - do you see what I mean? Forge your own identity, don't worry about social standards, not even perceived ones of the lgbt community. I can relate to the 'feeling lonely while everyone else seems to already know each other' feeling, yes that's tough, but we have to start somewhere. As you make a few connections, your circle of lgbt friends will expand, and in time, you will feel just as much 'a part' of that world as the others you see, if you want that. Don't worry about how you are 'supposed' to be, just seek out like-minded folks you get along well with, in any case. There is no stereotypical 'lesbian' or 'gay'. We are essentially all distinctly individual human beings, just like everyone else. There is no set way we are 'supposed' to be! :slight_smile:
     
    #6 Damien, Aug 18, 2014
    Last edited: Aug 18, 2014
  7. paris

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    Thank you, guys, I needed to hear that. (&&&)
     
  8. TJ

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    Congratulations on having the courage to tell your boyfriend. I'm sorry to hear your mom didn't take it as well, but that's for another time. (*hug*)
    I'm so proud that you worked up to that - that shows massive confidence in yourself, which is awesome.

    Also - We're mood buddies. :grin:
     
  9. paris

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    Mood buddies... yeah. :lol:
    Thanks, TJ, but more like massive confidence in myself it shows massive sleep deprivation because not telling him was such a burden for me that I couldn't sleep for weeks. And I know it was just the first step and more need to follow...
     
  10. Story Jinx

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    I'm also very curious about this part...
    How a lesbian is supposed to look, speak or smoke? (first time I hear that one...)

    But good that it went well with the BF!