Not finding men my age attractive

I've had a few similar experiences.
For some reason, I look at a lot of guys my age and I literally feel like I am younger, and more immature than them.
So the main thing that's going through my head is that I still feel like I'm 22 on the inside (instead of 32).
Maybe it's the same for you and maybe magnified because you're a late bloomer (sexualitywise).

I admit that it will be difficult for you to find mutual attraction with the type of person you're attracted to - but it's not impossible. I've seen a lot of long lasting relationships out there between men with 20 or 30 year age differences. Just got to be lucky I guess.

Peace! (*hug*)

 

Hi Electra. You and I are around the same age.

I can't address your attraction to younger men, since I'm only attracted to men in my age group -- but I am not sexually attracted to many people. I do know it's possible to find someone, because I met a guy my age I was attracted to and compatible with on many levels. He was not available, so I let it go -- which was very painful.

His situation may change in time -- but in the meantime, I've been trying different outlets to meet other men. I've met some nice guys, some kind guys -- but no one I'm attracted to or would like to have a relationship with. I try to keep it all in perspective. I think it's defeatist to think "I won't be happy unless I find a relationship" -- so I'm just trying to meet people for the sake of making friends. And in all honesty, even that's a challenge. I've always been pretty picky about my friendships, so making friends can be hard. It seems natural that I should be just as particular (or more so) with a lover.

I even accept that my married friend may never be available and I may not meet another guy -- but that doesn't mean I can't be happy. As a matter of fact, I'm pretty happy most of the time. The only times I get sidetracked are when I focus on what I lack. So I need to focus on the good -- and let life take its course.

Not sure if any of that's helpful to you -- but I did want you to know you're not alone. So be well and good luck in your search. Many of us are in the same shoes...

 

Hi,

My opinion...

Too much focus on sex and too little on friendship and getting to know each other.

Example; I am shopping for an apartment and found this;

I chatted with the guy and it quickly turned to "Send me a photo". He is a 65 year old man. My guess is that his "looks" can no longer get him his hook-ups and he is preying on young men in difficult times who need a place to live. When I replied to his request for photo saying I was sorry but we were seeking different things and I simply wanted a place to live I got a reply stating I was closed minded and ignoring possibilities. I did no respond.

Only in the gay world does a landlord want to see a photo first. That is the problem with the gay world. Sex first and foremost even in apartment shopping.

What did he reply...

In bars you chat a while only for a phone to be brought out with images of his last sexual conquest.

Younger guys DO NOT do this. Sex rules with older gays.

Face it... The stable guys capable of and desiring a relationship have one or have given up and live solitary lives.

I find my "type" always attractive as long as they take care of themselves, hard part is "unstable" predatory sex seekers are very unattractive, but the older ranks of gays are loaded with them.

Tom

 

I suspected I would be interested in men somewhat younger than myself (not drastically so, though), more because of who I am than who they are. I'm the oldest child and oldest grandchild in a large extended family, and was always closer to the older members of the family because they were who I knew as a child. (My youngest aunts are just 9 and 10 years older than I am.) I'm also somewhat of a chameleon, and when I'm with older people I unconsciously act older, more mature, more stable and so on. With people a few years younger, I'm more spontaneous and goofy and open. So I did suspect that for me, and mainly for that reason, a younger person would be a better fit, and I was right (although in my case and at my age, 11 years isn't really that much younger).

Some of this is understanding yourself and what you're looking for in a friendship and a relationship. And by all means, don't ignore the friendship aspect of it, regardless of age. Sex is great! But you'll spend far more time at work, and doing mundane things together, than you will having sex. You'll do yourself a huge favor by building friendships first. I've never been terribly hung up on looks myself (probably because of spending most of my adult life feeling unattractive because of weight and shyness and that silly closet thing). An attractive mind is much more exciting and enduring than physical perfection. And really, most of us may not be models, but if we can appear somewhat confident and comfortable with ourselves, and open to others (whatever their appearance), good things can happen.

 

Hi Electra

I’ve a feeling this is touched upon in Joe Kort’s book “10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love”. If you have not read this book it’s well worth a read and is available on Kindle.

I had a look but can’t find the exact quote but I think the point was that for older men coming to terms with being gay later in life some of them needed to recreate the sense of sexual discovery they would have gone through in adolescence. This fills in a missing experience in their lives that should have been addressed when they were young. By meeting younger guys (early 20s) both guys could both have the fun of that initial sexual awakening and exploration. Once the older guy had filled in this missing part of his life his attraction then switched back to guys of his own age with whom he would have more in common.

Hope I have paraphrased what Joe said correctly and it helps you understand what you are going through and that it is most likely temporary.

SGG

 

well there is always someone for everyone. some younger guy is actually probably saying the same thing..."i am not attracted to guys my age and only attracted to older types". however, the odds are stacked against you. with many people, age is a big factor and physical appearance is also a big factor. i think this is something that is unique to how men are wired. even with straight men, when they get divorced at 50 and want to remarry, you will see them commonly with someone that is younger than them. so the ex-wife gets the boot and he gets the hot late 20 or mid 30 year old and starts a new life with her. same thing happens with gays. when they get older they want the hotter guys that are younger. so that is why so many gay men try and stay physically fit because they know after a certain age, their stock values starts to go down. then you get the gays that are older that have just let theirselves go. they no longer care what they look like and want someone else that also doesn't care about those things anymore. you also want masculine men and that is hard to find. yes, masculine guys are out there, but the ones that are "out" and on the prowl are not always the most masculine guys. he's the bottom line. you're 50 plus, so if you want someone with a hot body and youth....do you offer the same thing? if the answer is no, then you have to adjust your reality. yes, again, there is someone for everyone but its even hard for guys that are in their 30s to get any attention because they are "old" to people in their 20s and "old" to people their own age. its really ridiculous but that is the reality of the gay "out" situation and people can argue otherwise but basically how it works. sure there are people that do not believe that way but that's pretty much how it is.

 

For what it's worth...in my experience since coming out in my mid 40s, the best encounters have been with guys older than me rather than younger.

Having a guy in his 20s show an interest is definitely flattering, but it soon becomes clear that you have very little in common. For me, the lack of maturity and life experience was a turn off.

I've found the older guys have more to talk about, more experience to share about being gay and better skills in bed. All very much appreciated by a relative newbie like me.

 

I'm just going to put it out there because I encounter this a lot on this forum. This is a great example of how fucked up one guy is. I think it is indeed very unfortunate that Skiff had this experience. It's also unfortunate I suppose that Chip encountered some people on Craigs List whose morals did not match his own. I think, however, that it is also very unfortunate that that would be used to characterize the entire community as "fucked up." I've been an active participant in the gay community for over twenty years and that certainly hasn't been my experience. Just saying...

 

Hi OGS,

I have been trying to find my niche in the gay community for a year. I am 56 and tried online dating, gay social groups and gay venues. All i find is sex based shallowness in single gay men my age. I have met great partnered gay men but simply said single men my age offer nothing but drama, shallowness and sex.

It may be generational.

I find 30 somethings emotionally more stable. I have a best friend who is 36 (straight) and my gay friends are partnered.

As i said that 65 year old is a sexual predator who i suspect relied on appearance for sex and at age 65 looks have failed him and he has found another way to prey on guys with life issues. He is stereotypical of the single gay men i encounter who are over 50 and single.

No relationship skills. I see no reason to seek them out.

Tom

 

From my experience that behaviour isn't exclusive to an older generation. I recently got a message out of the blue on a dating site from an 18 year old stating that if I wanted to hang out he'd need to tell his parents he was staying at a friends and then crash at my place...um no.

I also recently got an email from someone who I'd met a few years ago. He'd sent me a picture then which ended up being a relatively old picture. At that point he told me he was 36 them email he sent the other day stated that he's 45....that doesn't ad up at all.

That being said this behaviour isn't exclusive to gay men, every single younger female that I know echos similar situations, whether it's being asked for their number by any man they flash a smile to while at work regardless of age or being asked to submit photos with resumes.

One of my favorite quotes I saw somewhere was something like "homophobia: the fear that a straight man has that a guy will treat them the same way they treat women."

 

Hi Skiff,

I really didn't mean my comment as an attack on anyone in particular although I suppose it is phrased as an attack on Chip--my apologies for that. It does however genuinely distress me the amount of bashing of the gay community that goes on here. I came out over 20 years ago and when I came out you heard a lot of blanket statements about what gay people were like--they were predators, they were only interested in sex, they didn't really feel love--all sorts of stuff. When I first encountered the community I was terrified that they would be just like that, all the things I'd been told. And they weren't (I suppose this was just my experience, but it was and is my experience) and I was so relieved. And so when people would say those things--now I knew they weren't true--and so I would tell people. I don't know if I convinced people or not--actually I do know I convinced some--but even if I didn't at least I spoke my own truth because you never knew who was out there quietly listening like I had to see if there was any hope. A lot has changed over the last 20 years. I really don't hear those sort of things much any more--part of it is that the times have changed, part of it is probably that people know I won't let such assertions go unchallenged. But at any rate I really don't encounter much in the way of blanket negative statements about gay people or the gay community.

And then I joined this forum--now I realize I am not the target demographic and that my relationship to the gay community is more established and less problematic than most. But I was genuinely surprised by the number of blanket negative statements about gay people or the gay community that I encountered. Only here I didn't have to wonder if there were people out there quietly listening to see if there was any hope--because that's what people come here to do. And so, like I did twenty years ago, when I encounter those kind of comments I speak up and say that at least for me it hasn't been true.

Skiff, I really am sorry that you've had a bad time of it--and it sounds like you have had an exceptionally bad time of it. But I honestly don't think it's reflective of the community as a whole. I've been out and about for over twenty years and I honestly haven't encountered the types of things you mention. Nor do I think that the types of things you mention are unique to the gay community. It actually reminds me a bit of how a couple of my single straight female friends talk about straight men. And when they say that all straight men are like that I quietly assure them that that's not true. But I don't feel the same urgency I do when people make those kind of comments about gay men because when a straight woman says that all straight men are pigs or whatever, people don't really literally believe her. For the most part they realize that she's encountered some bad ones but well we all know all straight men aren't like that. But when people say that about gay men--especially when gay men say it--in my experience a lot of people actually believe it. I remember myself before coming out and how I believed it.

And it breaks my heart that someone would come to this website to find out if their new gay life might be alright and that the message they would get is that the gay community is all fucked up. Again, all I can do is counter with my experience that the community has been remarkably loyal and generous and truly kind-hearted. It's just my experience but it has been important to me over the past twenty years to share that experience when I deem it relevant.

 

I bought into a lot of those stereotypes over the years--in fact, anxiety about what I imagined the gay community to be like was part of what sent me scrambling for the closet years ago (among several other things).

But even in the years before I was ready and willing to come out, I've had a lot of positive experiences that convinced me that there were a whole lot of gay men (and women) who DIDN'T fit those negative stereotypes. I have several gay co-workers, many of them in long-term relationships, and so much about them is almost ridiculously similar to most straight couples I know. There's the devoted couple who does everything together; the long-term couple whose relationship is slowly and permanently unraveling; and the couple who doesn't always get along (and one has been unfaithful), but in the end, they love each other enough to stick with it.

Since I've started coming out, I've had one who person has taken me under his wing in a very 1970's mentoring kind of way, and another who wants to include me in some get-togethers with "boring average gay people like us" because it seems to be where I would fit in. And I managed to stumble into a wonderful relationship by accident, or fate, as well.

I think that sometimes we have to be careful to avoid making too many negative assumptions, even when we've had a lot of negative experiences. That can be a huge struggle, especially after several really bad situations. There's a huge temptation to become cynical and bitter after those experiences, which shuts us down even further and makes us more visible to the very cynical and bitter people we want to avoid. If we make a real effort to be open, kind, trusting and real people (with a good dose of common sense thrown in the mix), with no judgments or assumptions about the gay community being good OR bad, I think there's a better chance of connecting with like minds. Assuming that all gays are horndog predators is what straight people have done to us for years. If we think of ourselves that way too, then there wouldn't be much hope.

 

Hi,

So in short the guys I meet who after a few minutes whip out their phone to show me images of their last sexual conquest, or turned the conversation to how kinky I was, or cancelled the second date because I did not put out on the first date, and of course the landlord who wanted a photo are all imaginary and the good guys I have never met which you speak of are the real deal?

How many single gay guys in their 50's you see operating out there? You tied into the partnered community where relationship skills exist maybe?

My partnered gay friends have nobody to introduce me too either as they feel the singles they know are not stable.

In online dating there is a question; "longest relationship?" And guys routinely report months to a year. How do you get to be 50 and not have a relationship beyond a year? I work in decades...

Society may change but the gays who grew up in the 60's and 70's who are still single primarily have deep wounds.

Tom

 

I don't think anyone's saying that the experiences you've had aren't real--just that they aren't the only experiences to be had out there. As to the question about whether all my friends are coupled, I would say about half and half. For having been together as long as we have my partner and I are still pretty active in the "scene"--not as much as we once were but still out there. Fifties is only a year or so older than my partner so we know a fair number--again, both coupled and single. I would agree that if someone is in their fifties and has been out for quite some time and has never had a substantial relationship there is probably a reason--I would say that of straight people as well, to be honest. I have friends who are just not the relationship kind--it certainly does not make them bad people and most of them are really wonderful friends but, yes, anyone looking for a long term relationship with them would be disappointed.

 

Who do you think those guys prey upon? They say anything to get off to anybody.

My experience.

Tom

 

And again not mine--these guys in my experience (and I've seen them operate) are very upfront about what they want and don't want--no dick pics, no pretending they want more than they do, the closest they come to "preying upon" anyone is buying them a drink. Again, sorry your experience has been different...

 

Soon after I came out in my early twenties, I went hunting for a place to live. I went to visit one house owned by a gay guy in his late forties. He explained that I would have mo own room and my own bathroom. Then he said he'd discount the rent X% if I took my clothes off when I was home, and Y% if I had sex with him regularly. Creepy? I dunno. It wasn't my thing, certainly, but I can't say as I was creeped out by it. He told me where he stood, and I politely declined.

Back to the original question. If you had asked me what I was attracted to at age fourteen (before I realized I was gay), I probably would have drawn a picture of something porn-worthy. Large breasts, shapely hips, insatiable...but for me only. And when I realized I was gay, my gay fantasy lover followed the same template. Muscular, tall, masculine, well-hung, great hair, early 20s, etc. But five years later, I was in a great relationship. With a short round bald guy. What happened? Lowered expectations? Decided I'd never get a hottie so I grabbed whoever was available? No - I fell in love. I met guys, got to know them, and eventually clicked with one. And when I found the personality attractive, I found the package that personality came in attractive as well. I don't have a thing for short round bald guys - just ones that I have feelings for.

Mind you, I don't think there's anything wrong with the current set-up as it stands. There's nothing wrong with only being attracted to younger guys, and nothing wrong with focusing your attention on them for the time being. You of course might find the guys you're interested in aren't that interested in you. That's totally fine - they're no more "shallow" for passing over a guy in his forties than you are for doing the same. My only sugestion is that you keep your options open. It's great that you met this guy twice. You gave it a shot, but it didn't pan out. If you mert another guy who seems nice, give it another go. See what happens.

Lex