Coming out after a straight marriage

The reactions of spouses can be all across the board, from immediate rejection and divorce, to denial and clinging. My wife and I had some very difficult patches, partly due to the situation and partly due to her own emotional makeup and the way we've interacted for the past 20 years.

For me, I did start to realize that part of her reactions had a whole to do with the roles we had established for ourselves early on in our relationship. I was very focused on having a family and came from one with strong and somewhat domineering women and deferential men. I was playing out the roles I'd seen as a child and allowed myself to be put at the mercy of her moods. Since I came out to her and found myself getting more and more frustrated by her denial, I've become more aggressive about standing up for myself, and surprisingly, it has actually improved our relationship.

We had planned on taking our girls to a movie the other night. The girls decided to stay home so we went together and had a genuinely pleasant, friendly evening. We've had some awkwardly open discussions about my boyfriend (some of which have made me cringe a little!). And when she found out yesterday that she now has a full time job, I hugged her (pointing out that it was purely "as friends"!) and she actually cried. Probably the first genuine hug we've shared in years.

Obviously it's not all perfect and not all positive. There are days when I feel like I'm crawling the walls staying with her, even though I know it's definitely temporary until things are better settled. And everyone's experiences will be different and will depend on the person you are and the person you're married to. But a negative reaction isn't guaranteed, and if your spouse has any amount of compassion and love for you, there's a chance that something positive can come out of it.

 

Great video thanks for sharing.