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Just nearly came out to my husband!

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Mocha, Aug 23, 2014.

  1. Mocha

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    S***!! That was not supposed to happen! This afternoon he came and sat with me and was being so lovely and loving but I felt and still feel so emotionally distant from him and that made me feel so very guilty. That he loves me to bits and I love him like a best friend. It's only since I've allowed myself (recently) to feel the attractions I have for women (if that makes sense), that I've realised this.

    Anyway... he was being suggestive of us being intimate later and I was just thinking, oh no way and wtf is wrong with me! It of course hit me like a ton of bricks, it's because I'm a lesbian! I think I haven't properly acknowledged it to myself till that moment and I was so close to just telling him. That would've been a bad idea as I'm not ready, it's gonna break his heart and we have young children to consider. Basically until next year our plan was always for me to stay home with the children until the youngest is full time school, then I would finish my masters, so it'll be a couple of years before I could financially support me and the children if we were to separate.

    Do you guys think I'm being unfair to him by not saying anything? We've never had secrets and I hate keeping secrets, but this feels like self preservation, as I have no idea how he may react when I come out. I keep thinking if I can just keep going for 2-3 years, things may change and if they don't then I will be honest. Problem is going to be containing these overwhelming feelings! So do you guys think I'm being unfair to him? Any words of wisdom would be appreciated x
     
  2. Edra

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    Simple answer yes, but nothing is simple is it. But the way it seems to me is that you are using him tell you feel you are rdy in life. But its also important to get things dune like that masters degree. The only thing I can think is put your self in his position, how would you feel. That can be a life changing choice for both better or worse. You can even entertain the idea of just telling him, and talking it out. That is what I suggest but again I wish to tread lightly on helping you make a choice. Those are my feelings on the matter.
     
  3. HTBO

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    It probably is better to tell him rather than wait for 2-3 years. I completely understand you're not being sure of his reaction, and how you will support your children, and fear of the unknown, but regardless of how long you wait, you will always have concerns, whether it be those ones or others. Now that you realize you're a lesbian, you will pull away even more than you have in the past. That's what happened to me. I was exactly like you, but after I realized I was gay, the distance grew much greater resulting in my ex-husband trying much harder to repair our relationship. When he found out he was upset primarily because he was trying so hard and I knew that it was useless. Telling him gave him his freedom, and he knew that the problem wasn't him. My rejection caused a lot of insecurity in him. I don't suggest telling your husband right away, wait until the time is right, but I also don't suggest waiting as long as you propose. You wouldn't be able to survive that long either, the stress will be too overwhelming.
     
  4. paris

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    I agree with everything HTBO said.
    I was able to keep it a secret just for around a year, and I was just questioning at first. In the end it became such a burden and the stress so unbearable that I couldn't sleep. Finally I reached the point when I felt somewhat ready, more ready than I'd ever been, so I told him. He noticed there's something wrong because I'd grown distant and was tensed during the intimate times. He suspected I'm seeing someone else and decided to win me back which made him to try even harder. It's been only a week since I told him and he still believes we can work. It'll take him some more time to really understand, I assume.
     
  5. FortunateSally

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    Seems better to get your affairs in order so you won't be caught high and dry. Some spouses react great some react angrily, as women I think it's important to make aureate have back up plans even if legality is on our side orca takes few days or weeks to have all that stuff catch up.
     
  6. I think that only you know when to tell your spouse. The reason I say this is because I tried to tell my husband a few times that I needed to leave in order to figure myself out. He was devastated and started treating the kids differently - not mean but just not his usual self. He also told me things that made me think twice. Nothing threatening, but things along the lines that made me understand that I need to be able to stand on my two feet before I bring it up to him again.

    From experience though, I do know how much of a toll holding such a secret can have. If you do decide to go along this hard road, my only advice is to stay as busy as possible and to focus on your kids.
     
  7. Appley

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    I haven't been on this forum in a while but if you look at my old posts you'll see I'm in the same position. Married children etc, realised I was a lesbian 18m ago, told my husband fairly soon afterwards. I've had masses of therapy, now he's in therapy too. I'm 37 now; we're still together and both love earch other very much although now in a platonic marriage. Would be happy to chat. (Also in the uk)
     
  8. Mocha

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    Thank you everyone for your responses, it has given me much food for thought. I'm sure I'm not being fair to him by not telling him right now when I know and it may seem selfish, but in honesty, by holding back, it is not really for me, it's for my kids. I know with 100% certainty that if we split they'd want to be with me primarily and while I'm still a stay at home mum, they couldn't have that. Unless of course my husband is open to us living platonically until our youngest is in school. It's that unknown factor that is the worrying thing and the reason I feel I need to hold back, at least for now.

    ---------- Post added 24th Aug 2014 at 03:30 PM ----------

    Hi Appley, amazing how many of us are in such similar situations. Would love to chat sometime - I'm not out to anyone in real life so it's definitely hard not to have someone to talk to, especially when having a bad day. I'll be online again later, probs after 8pm uk time if you're around then? Though I have actually no idea how to chat on here lol, but will surely figure it out! :slight_smile:
     
  9. Maddie89

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    It may not be as bad As you think. He might just go into denial, or even support you. My husband guessed that I was a lesbian one day, and he supported me since. He may be in denial about how serious it is to me, but he let me experiment, to figure out if these feelings were true. No, he wasn't involved lol .

    I recommend you read Living Two Lives by Joanne Fleisher. I'm reading it right now and it's exactly what you and I need.
     
    #9 Maddie89, Aug 25, 2014
    Last edited: Aug 25, 2014
  10. Penpal

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    You will know when you are ready to tell him. It's so complicated when children are involved and as a mother myself I know that you will be putting them first. The only problem with your theory is that you won't be yourself and the people around you will notice you aren't happy. That's when people start asking questions and the pressure increases.
    It was slightly different for me because I think I am Bi and that really is very confusing. With you you seem certain of your sexuality so to me it seems like it will all come out in the end. It's just a matter of when you are ready. I understand you wanting to wait and it is important to know where you stand with the children but you and your husband deserve a chance to be happy. I'm going through a divorce at the moment and I have 2 children. If you want to message me anytime I will be happy to talk to you.
    I don't think you should be judged, it's such a tough situation, just remember that your husband needs to live a life too. I think you know that though but the fear is massive. My husband guessed in the end. He was supportive to start with but unfortunately it didn't last. Things have got horrible but I have read a lot of positive stories on here. My marriage had problems before I developed feelings for a female friend. I never pursued her and have been faithful to my husband who I've been with for 19 years. However after I told him he found someone else and left. Clearly not as loyal :-/
     
  11. waterfall

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    Mocha: This may not help you but I'll give it a try. All my married life I have had to have some sort of reference to females to be turned on. Does that make sense? Lesbian porn, pictures of naked women. After awhile if we watched porn, I didn't even pretend-- I would just tell him to fast forward through the boring stuff i.e.: heterosexual sex. I also made references to female celebrities like " WOW she's hot! " SO when I finally came out to him he was not at all surprised and it made it very easy. This was a long process and believe me- I didn't even realize I was gay until I became emotionally involved with a woman. Before that I thought it was a fettish? Or at least that's how I rationalized it. Now I realize I just love women. Always have, always will. My point is-- maybe you could start planting the seeds? You know him, so you know how he would react to this. rather than just dropping the bomb with no warning? Everyone is different but it worked for me and I didn't even plan it….
     
  12. doglover44

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    Im in the same thing when my wife wants to get intamite I am turned off instantly I feel like I am ment to be with a guy I feel like after 3 years of marriage I am I have been denying my self What do I do
     
  13. Mocha

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    Thanks for your responses everyone! It's great to hear similar stories or how others have navigated this hard path and given me lots to think about xx