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Took me long enough

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by whatdoIneed, Aug 24, 2014.

  1. whatdoIneed

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    Hello all

    Im new here. Im a 46 year old guy. In the last few months, I've "opened my eyes" and realized I'm 99.9% sure I'm gay. (More on the reason for the slight hesitance below). Actually, other than talking to my therapist about it, identifying myself as gay when I registered for this site was the first time I have said it "publicly."
    I have never had a girlfriend (or boyfriend) or really even dated. I always told myself it was largely because of an extremely dysfunctional family- my parents haven't even slept in the same room for more than 25 years, and frankly, how they had me is beyond my comprehension- so no real "modeling" of romantic relationships. Plus, my mother is jealous even of my friends says repeatedly how she needs me to be available to her, calls me two or three times a night and expects me to be there, etc. Me going anywhere thats a distance is a major crisis. Obviously, any kind of relationship is going to be a problem- so I always told myself thats why I didn't date or even try to.
    Recently though, I've realized I've been dishonest with myself for years. The trigger was someone trying to set me up with someone (female) and me being really uncomfortable. Then I realized I had ALWAYS felt that way when someone tried. Then I got honest with myself. I notice good looking guys more than girls. In HS I noticed shirtless guys at sports practice rather than girls in athletic outfits. I wondered what guys looked like shirtless rather than what girls looked like in bikinis or what have you. I realized that while the family stuff has affected things, the reason I have not dated girls is that I'm gay.
    My one slight hesitation is that since I've never had ANY type of romantic relationship, I'm kinda just assuming that girls would not interest me- but from what i just said above, the reality is... I'm attached to guys.
    I have not come out except in therapy and here. Not sure how my parents would react, but no point to come out to them for the foreseeable future. Until I am able to actually have my own life, datings not going to work no matter WHO I date, so why add that drama. Thats a bit of an excuse, I suppose- but why bother until dating is even somewhat of an option? (Plus, once I come out, my mom will see even platonic guy friends as a threat). I figure I gotta get myself fully comfortable with being gay first too.
    Anyway- thats enough of the story for now. I have a lot of things to work on, obviously- accepting my sexuality is just part of it. The good news is Im not married, have no kids, etc, so I don't have that issue to deal with. The other side of the delay is at some point, I won't just be looking for my first romantic relationship in my later 40s- I'll be entering the gay community for the first time, and will have to look for the best way to do that.
    Thanks everyone for "listening"
     
  2. Damien

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    Welcome,
    well I can relate to a few things. I should have 'known' I wasn't straight dozens of times through my life, but only this year - I'm 45 now - did I finally 'allow' myself to fantasize uninhibitedly about guys. So don't think you are alone in 'coming out later in life', there are quite a few of us even here, as I recall. Also, I'm not totally sure either. I suspect I'm actually gay, but right now I don't know what to think. One more thing, just thought I would say, it does not sound like your mother gives you much emotional freedom. At your age you ought to be able to do, and go, where you please. I think she is being controlling and manipulative, and maybe you need to stand up to her, a bit more. Claim your life as your own; it's your life to live, not hers. Anyway I wish you well on this journey. Buckle up and get ready for the ride along the rollercoaster. (Or maybe that's just me; maybe your journey will be smooth sailing.) :slight_smile:
     
    #2 Damien, Aug 24, 2014
    Last edited: Aug 24, 2014
  3. Molly1977

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    Hello and welcome,

    I can relate to the family issues, I have allowed my mum to control my life and sometimes it has been easier to let her do this so I don't have to think about my own issues and sexuality. I do think you need to break away from your mum a bit more by constantly jumping to what she wants every time she calls you she will just carry on putting more pressure on you to look after her. My parents also had a terrible relationship and my mum has needed me to look after her. She put me on a guilt trip and put me down any time she thinks I am managing OK on my own.

    46 is not old and as you say you don't have children or an ex wife getting in your way, you just have your mum but it is up to you to be a bit more independent of your mum. As long as she sees you are on your own she will think that you are just there to look after her. Start thinking about yourself and try not answering the phone or just go out with some friends for a drink and not tell her. the more you are independent the less control she will have over you.

    I do understand how difficult it is to be independent of your mum as I was in the same situation as you but it is up to you to sort this out and not let your mum control you. You are in a good situation with no wife or children so you do have the opportunity to make the life that is right for you.

    Keep posting here as there are lots of people who will be able to give you lots of advice.

    Molly x
     
  4. paris

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    Hello, whatdoIneed (*hug*) Well, my parents have a terrible relationship and I have an unhealthy relationship with my mum as well; she's very attached to me. It's prevented me from having my own life for years because I always worried to leave her alone just with my dad... I kinda work as a bumper between them when at home. Finally I realized I deserve to live the life I want and I'm not responsible for my mom's happiness. I don't say it's easy but I've started to make changes in my life and even though it's somewhat scary it makes me feel good about myself. We can do it!
     
  5. Yossarian

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    How you have been living for 46 years is not that unusual for gay men who were born 46 years ago into that environment. What is unusual is your mother's dependance and predation upon you, which has been giving you an excuse to rationalize your behavior. Now that you have identified yourself as "gay", whatever that may end up meaning to you, you are now free to pursue a real life for yourself, and not as a support vehicle for your mother; that is your father's role, not yours.

    Start going out to environments and situations where other gay men hang out. Try to identify gay support social groups or community services. Use this as a starting point to meet other gay men, even if you have to start with gay bars to find them. The internet may also be a starting point for you. It is going to feel a bit uncomfortable until you get used to meeting gay men you don't already know, but you won't have to sit down and "come out" to them; they will assume that you are out simply by your presence at these events and locations. Once you have established a network of friends and possibly a relationship, then you can officially "come out" to your parents if you want to. Meanwhile, get an answering machine for your house phone, and start using the "Ignore" button on your cell phone when your mother calls and you have better things to do. You have trained her to be dependent on you; now you need to train her not to be.
     
  6. Jim1454

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    Hi and welcome to EC. You've come to the right place!

    I would tend to echo what others have said. The relationship with your mother seems more problematic than your orientation. Many of us figured this out later in life - so don't beat yourself up over that.

    I assume your therapist is helping you deal with this and with your mother? I hope so.
     
  7. greatwhale

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    Hey whatdoIneed, welcome to EC!

    There is a critical element in your story that you need to deal with, before you do anything else. You need to deal with your mother.

    You may or may not consciously realize this (but I think you do); your mother's control over you is affecting your ability to form your own relationships.

    There are two books I would strongly recommend for you:

    1) Joe Kort's 10 Smart Things Gay Men can do to Find Real Love and especially Chapter 5, it is eye-opening.

    2) Robert Bly's Iron John (which Kort refers to).

    In essence, there are appropriate mother-son relationships and there are unhealthy ones; where the mother gets her emotional needs met by her son. This could be related to dissatisfaction with the man she is married to, or a number of other things, but when the son takes on that role, it is bad for every one.

    This is something she is probably unaware of, but you must become aware of this if you are to live and to form relationships freely and become who you are.

    The first thing Kort suggests is that you need to have a talk with her and end these nightly phone calls (for starters)...but read the book first if you can, and get counseling to deal with this if you can. Your mother could also use this kind of analysis, if only to get it to a conscious level, but this will be her problem to deal with, not yours.
     
  8. CoyoteCalling

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    I can also relate to your family issues, although my situation involves multiple family members and is quite a bit different than yours. I agree with the other posters that it's the first issue you need to address.

    If you're not already familiar with the concept, you should google "enmeshment" or "enmeshed family systems." You've been in this situation for a long time, and it will be difficult to ignore it when your mother acts hurt when you try to break free. It's manipulative behavior and you need to realize that it's not healthy for either you or her.
     
  9. likethewind

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    Hi whatdoIneed. Welcome to the board.

    Add me to list of guys who took a long time to come to terms with his sexuality. In my case, it was not family issues, but health issues that kept me preoccupied for many years. Once the health issues subsided about 3 years ago (I was almost exactly your age), I was very surprised to find the sexual issues surfaced with a vengeance. I suppose I thought the desire would diminish as I aged. That wasn't true; as a matter of fact, it seemed the thoughts were more powerful than ever.

    A lot has happened since then. I've come to a point where I fully accept myself, but have not come out to my family or old friends. That may change in time — but if it does change, it will be on my own terms — not someone else's idea of what being gay means. In other words, I'm still finding my way.

    So I wish you the best on your journey...
     
  10. whatdoIneed

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    Thanks for the supper everyone. Actually, intellectually, i fully understand that my mother is not emotionally well, is manipulative, and that it is NOT a healthy relationship. Really, its also a codependency situation because he has some alcohol issues and because of all the dysfunction. Oddly, initially I was going to be a psychologist... that didn't work out (was able to get a masters, but could not continue on to a PhD) so I UNDERSTAND that part of the problem. That actually IS the focus of therapy- the gay stuff just came up in the process. Im working on finding a way to deal with my mother more effectively- she simply will not "hear" that the calls are unhealthy, so i need to react better. Actually my user name ("what do I need") is the question I'm learning to ask myself.

    As to my sexuality- its something I'm learning to be comfortable with.. I'm actually getting pretty good with that.. Im not sure Im ready to pursue a relationship, but also realize reaching out into the community like this is my best first step. There's lots to figure out in my life- this is part of it and reaching out can only help.
     
  11. greatwhale

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    You are so right, it is indeed possible to understand what is going on, but, when it applies to ourselves and our emotions, we are vulnerable, no matter how well we "understand" the situation.

    You no doubt fear the consequences of reducing your contact with her, you don't want to be responsible for her reverting to alcoholism. Perchance you also feel a certain responsibility for her, perhaps even a certain pride or privilege in taking on that role?

    Again, until you resolve this, any relationship of your own choosing will be impossible.
     
  12. sagebrush

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    Welcome, whatdoIneed. Best wishes on your new journey. Thanks for joining us.