hi guys, can someone offer advice or help. i recently went to a club and i felt really old. i am close to 40. many people think i am more early 30s but still i felt really old and i felt really bored too. i started exploring later in life and so the club scene is not really new to me but after trying it out for a few years sporadically what was once kinda exciting (being in an environment where at least you knew the guys were gay) is now really boring to me. the drinking, the crazy dancing, the club antics, and even the so-called "hot guys" are all kinda not exciting to me anymore. it's not like i would go clubbing every week or every weekend, but if i went once a month to a bar or a club, id see the same people there over and over again, even in major metropolitan areas. so i guess the initial excitement somewhat wore off. so now i guess i am unsure what to do. also recently i was at a jazz live music event (mixed where there were gay and straight people there). it was a "straight" event but of course you could see a sprinkle of gays there as well. but one guy i had a crush on a few years ago was there and he told me he was getting married. i was excited for him across, but i couldn't help but to think that people are moving on with their lives and making significant milestones (having kids, kids in high school, buying first home, getting married, exciting graduate school, etc.) and i seem to be in a self imposed rut. you see, it's not uncommon to be single where i am. in major cities, many people are single and older so noone thinks there's anything wrong with you. i guess it was fun for a while to revert back to my 20s that i never experienced while in my 30s but it's old now and i feel really old. i also feel scared that possibly exploring the gay life messed me up for what could have been some of the significant milestones i would have had by now (marriage, kids, etc.). yes, i know you can still have those with a guy but i have not even had a boyfriend yet. i feel stalled. the dating life just seems so much about sex and hookups and even when i have tried other non club venues to meet people (online, through friends, etc.) they just never panned out. i am getting older and the eternally young idea of living, has worn off. crushing on unavailable straight guys...waste of time. going to bars/clubs (gay or straight)....boring to me now. not sure really what to do. however, i am scared because i wonder what my future is looking like and am I now officially the "old guy" that's washed up. i feel like i present myself pretty well and that i look ok. sure my body could be better and i could lose some off my belly, but who can't. i go to the gym and that's boring too. more wishful thinking or looking at guys that are off limits. it's almost like i don't even look anymore. not sure what is happening. has anyone else experienced this. i guess when i started out to explore myself, i didn't think of what that would ultimately be like. i feel like there's no place for me. i feel like the fun and exciting "club" me is kinda no-more and there's also a fear that i wont be considered "fun" for potential dates. i guess i am in a place where my age has caught up with me and the mask of having fun that i was trying to portray has worn thin and i have no clue where to go from here. i have no real close gay friends. only people that i have dated a few times that didn't work out since i did not put out. i still keep in touch with a few of them here and there or see them around, but i never fostered any gay friends really. when i tried, no one seemed interested to be honest. ---------- Post added 25th Aug 2014 at 12:36 PM ---------- i forgot to add that i have been withdrawing lately. i hardly go out to any of the former straight events or parties i used to enjoy. i dont have many friends that i hang out with regularly although i know many people. the only thing i really do is work out and go to work. that's all. i stopped trying to introduce myself to potential guys. yes, some and many were gay but after a while of the rejection or sex requests, i just gave up on that too. i feel very alone and depressed but almost like an hollowness inside. nothing has really helped.
I never actually did "the club scene". Not that I thought I was above it or anything - it just never seemed like anything I really wanted to do. I went a couple times when friends wanted to go, but that was it. Instead, I just stayed social in other ways. I'd go to concerts and outdoor events and whatnot. I tried to stay social, and got to know more people that well, and eventually gained some friends out of it. Nothing wrong with outgrowing "the clubs". You outgrew teenage stuff, too. Lex
I think the withdrawing comment was interesting because it may be you are a bit depressed too - which can go hand in hand with this later time of life I'm afraid. Not helped by going to a club full of young bunnies. Have you thought of pushing yourself in slightly different directions. Social get togethers for people of a similar age group to yourself ? It may take some effort to find these … and making yourself go but it may be rewarding.
No harm in seeing if you felt like you "fit" there. I do know a couple older guys who still like going out to clubs. You learned you didn't, so that's that lesson learned. Lex
Like they always say, age is just a number. My uncle is 61, will be 62 in February, and does the night club/life scene in New York. He is revered for that. Hangs out with people half, even a third of his age. So if he can do it, then surely you can. There are many 40 year olds who have the virility and excitement as a 22 year old and many 22 year olds who have the same virility and excitement as an 80 year old. Don't let age define what you are .
son try being 47, single parent of a teenager and starting over as BI and limited dating experience that's over 20 years out of date. you aint that old.
It sounds like you are going through a really rough time and I don't quite know what to say other than that people change--that's normal and natural and nothing in itself to regret. My partner and I were big on the club scene--it's actually how I met my partner (who I have been with for 16/17 years). Like seriously six nights a week out on the town--closing a club, going out to breakfast with friends than going home just long enough to take a shower before heading to work. Seriously, into it. We had a great time--and I didn't grow out of it per se, but as time went on I developed other interests, less flashy interests to be sure but well they are my interests now. I didn't have some sort of maturity moment where I realized that my time in that lifestyle was a waste or anything. I don't regret that time in the slightest--it was amazing to be honest and I treasure the memories. We still go out clubbing, maybe a time or two a month and enjoy it, but it's not a lifestyle any more. I don't feel bad about it--I feel like I was true to who I was then and now I'm true to who I am now. The thing is, to read your post it doesn't sound like you ever really did enjoy it. It sounds like there was a sort of liberation feeling that was more about being out of the closet than being out on the scene. So I guess, I would say just learn from that--there's nothing wrong with not being into that scene, it doesn't make you boring. And it seems to me that if you never really were that into it, good for you that you have figured out that it isn't something that makes you happy. It seems like what has really made you feel boring, is that you haven't found something else so get out there and find something--take a class, join a team, grow a garden (who knows do them all and see what sticks). I know it's easier said than done but I guess it starts with just trying a bunch of new things--you tried the club scene and that's how you discovered it's not for you. Move on--no regrets. Hopefully there are some good memories and maybe you learned something about yourself. Get out there and learn the next thing.
yea the gays i know are mostly closeted down lows gays. they have social parties with other down lows and semi-out gays but i am never invited. not sure why. but i gave up on that. i tried asking some of these guys if they would introduce me to other guys and they never did. a few said what's the use because i wasn't going to do anything physical anyway so why bother. i guess they didn't want to waste anyone elses time since i wasn't going to whore myself out. i met a nice guy through work and i came out to him and i thought maybe we could be friends. he basically talked about how he liked sex and oral and started to get very graphic. i cut him off. i attended a few gay get togethers but people starting randomly hugging me and i didn't know them and i heard some people refer to each in gay talk "girl, bi&tch,...." i dont want to be around that element. overall is just to depressing to even try anymore with the gays. not sure what to do. ---------- Post added 25th Aug 2014 at 08:54 PM ---------- i also feel ashamed for it. the dancing, the prancing (well i never pranced but it rhymed and i felt like saying it), the flirting, and naughty moments (a tourid kiss here or there). but you are right, i never really enjoyed it. there were a few times i really had fun but mostly i was trying to make myself have fun. i didn't know anywhere else to meet other gay people without seriously hunting them down on a friday or saturday night. now i am a hermit gay. i guess i will try something else.
Hi offmychest, you've written me some good responses so I thought I'd try to return the favor. I get the feeling you are a cynical bastard (like me), possibly a bit of a curmudgeon. But otherwise I am having a hard time envisioning your circumstances. Are you in a city or smaller town? You describe yourself as bisexual; how does that manifest in your life? You seem to talk about dating guys and being married with kids as if those were equally possible options.
hi nerdbrain, yes i am cynical and sarcastic. it's part of my coping mechanism. i had to look up the word curmudgeon and yes, i am that too. i mean no harm as i'm as gentle as a yellow labrador puppy, but that's besides the point. let's tackle your questions. i am in a large city. gays are everywhere. i am not in small town but in a way, i am. i'm not in a racial majority so for my racial group there's just so small or so few options of out guys that feel comfortable going out as "gay". like all races of gays, there are people that "hide" or live their gay life in secret. however, when you are part of the majority race, that just means, there are more options of out gay guys. some of the minorities just have smaller base to work with because the sheer number of minorities is smaller versus the larger population and then the number of gay guys that are out, is even smaller. so if you want to date inside your race or social network with gays in your race, unfortunately, there are just not many positive social outlets to do that outside of going to clubs because guys may feel more comfortable going to a club or a secret private house party, but they are going to be less comfortable going to "gay social hour" at a gay label event during the day. for many minority groups, it's a double whammy being gay and it is heavily frowned upon. so that means that you have less guys that are out and less to pick from or you can join up with some of the majority race gay events and basically focus on dating outside your race/culture or hoping that you may run into someone like you there, but usually those guys are typically not interested in guys of their own race, so that's not an option. race is not a big deal for me and i am open to dating any race but i guess culturally, i'd feel more comfortable with someone with a shared racial background. also, its sad but you sometimes are sexually objectified based on your race and can become a "fetish" to the some of the larger racial majorities. so you are not only seen as a sexual sexpot, you're seen as a fetish. again, this is not with everyone of course but it is something that happens quite frequently. as far as talking about dating guys and also getting married and having kids with a woman, that is part of my denial that i am still struggling with. yes, i want to date guys but since i can't seem to find or date any guys that i am really clicking with, sometimes i wonder if i should go back to dating women. i did have a really successful relationship with a woman prior to exploring gaydom and it sounds a lot like the relationship you currently have with your wife. i felt secure, i felt happy with our relationship, i felt sexually satisfied, i felt like i had fun with my female partner, and i felt like we had a great bond but like you, i always wondered about what it would feel like to have a deep connection and loving relationship with a guy. it wasn't even about sex, it was just about this internal longing to be loved and to love another guy and it was very important for him to be masculine. somehow it would validate me in a way that i always felt i lacked from other men/guys. i am considered to be masculine by other men (straight passable). i would see guys and think, "wow, i wish i can feel what it would feel like to date him". but date didn't mean have sex in my head. it meant something really innocent, something sweet, something old fashioned, something that would give me butterflies. i wanted him to give me his attention and it was important for me that he be the type of guy that other women would want but he wanted me. i guess it made me feel better about myself in a way if that happened. but sadly that hasn't happened. usually the guys i liked just wanted sex from me which i didn't provide so they jumped ship. i can say that i never felt like any guy was really interested in getting to know me as a person or as a friend. everything with them was "instant". i felt they wanted to get to know me as a potential sex partner. so it's just made me wonder if i made right choice or if i should have stuck to a safe relationship with my ex girlfriend and gotten married and had the life that seems really happy. right now i am not very happy at all. when i was with my girlfriend, the longing and curiosity made me very unhappy as well. so it's just been a long time being unhappy and not feeling like anything is really "right". the only thing i am confident with about guys is that i can get some to have sex with me if i wanted to have sex. there's always someone interested in that. but that is not what is of interest to me. sure sex is a part of a relationship but i want it to be with someone that i really like and that really likes me. i dont want to have sex as part of the "getting to know process". sure, i guess i may have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince but i dont want to have to have sex with all those frogs in the process. now that i am older now, it just seems really hard to feel like it will be possible for me to have that type of gay relationship i wanted. sure i could settle for someone i am not remotely attracted to (not looking for models), but i think settling out of loneliness doesn't do anyone any good. just would be nice to be excited about someone that actually wants the type of relationship i want as well and wants to take time to get to know each other. just doesn't seem possible anymore. even if my gaydar goes off, i no longer even look at the guy. it's pointless. the guys keep their poker faces and i have to be the one to approach them. just not interested in doing that anymore. not sure what will happen next for me. i am very depressed.
Hi I’m 54 and only recently started going to a gay support group and was surprised that the organisers were all older than me and seemed to get on fine with the younger members of the group. When we went to a gay bar, admittedly a quieter one, in the village after the meeting I didn’t feel at all out of place so my worry about being too old was unfounded. And if I thought 54 was too old to be involved in the gay scene I was put in my place this weekend at the Manchester Pride Parade by the oldest gay in Manchester’s Gay Village at the young age of 91 who lead the parade. I hope this gives you some encouragement not to give up. SGG
Hi there. Thanks for being so honest and so vulnerable here. It sounds like you are probably suffering with depression to some degree. That isn't going to help you to feel good about yourself or good about the prospect of finding a partner. You might want to speak to your doctor or consider counselling / therapy to address some of that. I live in Toronto, and I'm white. So that was an advantage for me. But at the same time, the larger the population, the less likely you're going to meet 'that' person. Yet he and I met anyway - and hit it off as friends first, and then started dating. And we were in our late 30s at the time. (I was 36 and he was 38.) So it IS possible to find someone who you will be compatible with - it just takes time, and a positive attitude. What about just making new friends? Join a gay club. A gay bowling league. A gay hiking club. There's an organization here called 'Out and Out' that organizes all sorts of things. See if there is something like that in your city, and go to something that interests you. If you have that interest, and everyone else who attends has the same interest, then you'll have 2 things in common right off the bat - you're both gay and have this similar interest. Work from there. This is all easier said than done - especially if you're feeling down. So take steps to deal with that.
@offmychest: Thanks for the detailed description -- I think I have a much better understanding of your situation now. I think @jim1454 has hit the nail on the head: you might want to consider getting out of the gay dating scene for awhile and aim for gay friendships. There are lots of ways to find gay groups online. You could even set up a dating profile that is clearly geared towards friendship or long-term relationships. As you've said, sex isn't the primary issue here for you (as it isn't for me). It's friendship, companionship and intimacy. Contrary to the stereotype, there are guys who aren't just looking for a hookup (in both the straight and gay worlds). One reason you may not be finding them is that you're looking in the wrong places. It also sounds like you are placing a lot of value on having a relationship in general, almost as if the relationship defines who you are -- whether it's with a potential guy or when talking about your ex-girlfriend. It sounds like you're dependent on an outside source (the relationship) for some key aspects of your identity, which doesn't seem psychologically healthy. Please take the above with a grain of salt, as I am not a psychologist and I am remote-diagnosing you based on some forum posts. Then again, having seen a lot of therapists in my day I can say that sometimes an educated and well-meaning amateur is just as good (if not better). I will also take this opportunity to make my first grammar-bitch comment: on your longer posts, please put in some paragraph breaks! Makes it much easier to read
Hi yes i am placing a lot of emphasis on a relationship. After being for a decade who wouldnt. I feel like it is important and i am lonely. Sure i will try the paragraph spacing and the day time gay groups yet again.
Just wanted to say, I didn't mean to be dismissive of your situation or offer a canned response. Loneliness is a killer. I spent years by myself and it was miserable; perhaps that is why I am so reluctant to give up my relationship with my wife. And the paragraph spacing was just my (bad) attempt at humor -- it's been my experience that cracking the occasional joke can help alleviate the bad feelings, if only for a moment.
no offense taken. yes, i caught the joke. it was funny. yes, i know you understand. i appreciate you reaching out. i dont really think generally people here can understand what i am going through so it's ok. i have somewhat given up. i do wish you the best though in your situation and hope it turns out good for all parties involved. best of luck.
Cause dance clubs are the only place to meet people? I really don't see the problem with finding people online, you are more likely to find someone who is actually SIMILAR to you online than bumping into someone by chance. You also have the ability to go on "mini" dates with people by talking to them and feeling them out without having to actually go out and do it. Everytime I met someone online we had already been talking for weeks, and when we eventually hooked up it was never awkward or weird, we were always like friends from the start. Plenty of the guys I met I didn't really like, but the meetings weren't bad at all, they were actually kind of nice and not nerve racking.
Some thoughts that come to mind reading through your posts here: First, you might check out the Meetup website and see if there are any gay meetups in your area (not sure if you're in the US or not or if Meetup operates outside the US if you are). If you're in a big city there may be gay Meetups for game nights, hiking, book clubs, small business owners, business networking, and probably much else. Possibly some of these might interest you. Second, you might see if there is an LGBT center in your area and consider volunteering there. This is working in a good cause and can also be both an opportunity to make friends and potentially meet people who might eventually become more than friends. Third, not sure if you're either musical or religious, but if you are you might also look into a gay men's chorus and/or an LGBT friendly church. Either of these might offer opportunities for meeting people in a venue that is not associated with hooking up. Fourth, I would ask how long you and your former girlfriend dated before you had sex, and how did you come to feel it was time to do so? Actually, this is more of a rhetorical question. I don't actually want to know this information, but rather am asking you to think about what sort of mental 'roadmap' or guidelines you have in place around the question of when you feel it is appropriate to begin having sex in a relationship. Once you are clear on that point, it becomes an option to communicate that guideline to other people you might be interested in which gives them the option of deciding if they'd like to work toward that point with you. There are quite a few members on EC (mostly younger, admittedly) who I've seen indicate they want to date for some amount of time before sex takes place. So what you're describing isn't totally unheard of. But if you don't give someone a clear understanding of what your standards or guidelines are, it makes it hard (or even impossible) for them to make the choice of whether or not to go along with it. Fifth (and sort of relating to point four), I would ask for some clarification on some of what you describe above in regards to other guys and their behavior. You mention guys using 'gay talk' and 'not wanting to be around that element' and 'cutting off' a guy because he started talking about sex. While you have every right to live by whatever standard you choose, when reading these bits I had this mental picture of you essentially dismissing anyone who violated your standards in any way, instantly and without any chance of appeal. I'm inclined to think this impression is just a product of you attempting to summarize a lot of information and events for the sake of your post, rather than an accurate description of your responses to people. In which case, can you please provide some clarification on this area as I'm having a hard time visualizing the details of these situations. However, if its not, if you are actually dismissing potential friends and partners because they unknowingly speak or act (even temporarily) in a fashion you don't like, and with no intent of malice toward you, then I would suggest you should look into cutting people some more slack and possibly examining the reasons for exactly why you consider the use of 'gay talk' or mention of sexual matters to be a deal breaker. You might also try explaining (politely and in a non-confrontational way) that you prefer not to talk about those things with someone you don't know that well or the like and then seeing how they respond. Plenty of people, straight and not, will talk about sex or behave in ways in some situations that they wouldn't in others. In some cases, it may indeed represent a violation of 'polite company' to such a degree that cutting them off is deemed justified. But in others, it could just be someone with a different set of standards who is perfectly willing to modify their behavior out of respect for yours (that is a two way street to some degree, of course) if only you give them the chance to get to know you and then let them know what you do and don't like or find objectionable. My 2c worth, Todd
